Learn to trust again, and trust wisely

I went to a reiki session on Sunday to help me unblock my chi…okay, I have gone off the deep end! In theory, the idea is to get a deeper meditation of sorts to confront the subconcious fears/ angers that keep the real work from happening. I am either deluded or desperate or perhaps both but I feel better (but lighter in the wallet) and ready to get over this damn trust issue! Why can’t everyone just be honest and treat each other well so we don’t have these bizarre psychosis???

Whilst working at one of my part time jobs, a ran into a couple that looked stunningly familiar. When the male of the two caught my eye, we both stammered for a moment, frowned in concentration, and said almost simultaneously…”you look familiar.” And so we discovered our connection—he was and is friends with my last ex.

It was great to see him and his ex, but the volcano that started to erupt in me when speaking of my ex…who has since married the girl he dated before me and had a baby with her…and so I realize I have serious trust and forgiveness issues, still unresolved from years ago. How do you forgive someone who stole thousands of dollars and promised to pay it back but not? How do you forgive someone who basically wasted two years of your life? How do you forgive someone who refused to treat me the way I should be treated? How do I forgive myself for letting him?

And more importantly, how do I move on so I can trust again?

I’m still looking for a miracle cream that allows for trusting again, but if anti-cellulite creams don’t work I imagine Trust Cream won’t either. I think my prob-and many others’-is that for a long time I had no “filters”. I let anyone and everyone in because life is a party and the more the merrier. But then I didn’t send away people who were too self-centered to allow for my opinions or who took advantage of my kindnesses and generosity…as a result, I have built a moat AND my grew filters that are now completely clogged. Rarely does anyone make it through, and even then I give them the suspicious eye! And don’t get me started on dating—by the fifth date, if he’s still around, I feel accusatory, KNOWING that he’ll leave me or cheat on me or hurt me sooner or later, it’s just predicting when. Sigh! This sucks. I vote to end it now! =0)

I’ve recently realized that this goal seemed to be the easiest, but instead is ranked now as one of the hardest. I freak out every so often (quietly and to myself) because I have lost so many people for one reason or another that I can’t seem to let my wall down, and in the rare case that I do, it is seriously terrifying. I suppose I expect eveyone to let me down, so I automatically don’t invest in them and don’t take our relationship seriously, thus I occasionally come off as insencere (how the hell do you spell that?) and flakey. I am at heart not flakey, but by flaking out on people I distance myself from them, don’t invest in them, thus creating a moat to protect my castle. Okay, so now that I’ve identified it…hopefully it will get better?