live passionately

I have recently been swrling in a drain of self-pity and doubt, a PoorMeSyndrome for sure. How ridiculous! We have such a limited time on this earth and I seem to keep forgetting that happiness is what I decide it is, essentially. When I gripe about not having everything as I expect it I need to remember that things could how I wouldn’t expect it, if that makes sense. Life is unpredictable, and if everything were mapped out for me, wouldn’t that be boring??? So what things haven’t happened like it has for everyone else—that’s what makes me different! (Thanks God!)

I’ve fallen into a stupid ridiculous unabashed crush…that cannot be returned. However, it doesn’t matter-this crush has shaken me awake and I want to jump back into life again! it hurts when a crush isn’t returned, but that tingling warm wonderful lightheaded feeling cannot be replaced with anything else. I don’t just want to climb mountains I want to move them. I don’t just want to dance to one song I want to teach the world to dance all the day long. Instead of crying over my unrequited love, I’m grabbing this passionate moment and screaming my way through the entire ride, doing everything my heart intends me to do. So, I thank this crush anonnymously for the inspirational boost I’d needed.

Okay, I just got a hankering for living somewhere else for the summer and I’ve been totally inspired, if I can financially do it that is. I have been playing with the idea of someday moving to Reno, NV but what better way to know than to stay there a while? I need to take summer courses, so why not take a few at UNR? I need a job, so why not apply at, say, the REI there? I’d be near Tahoe, near San Fran and my friends there, somewhat close to friends in SLC…all I need is a place to stay! That’s the financial burden right there. And if I can’t bring my cat, where would she go? I can’t board her all summer, poor thing—she’s too old and too attached to me. Anyway, just a really fun yet kinda scary thought! Wish me luck!!!

Normally I’m the one who touts the belief that every moment shall not be wasted and the other night I totally blew it! I was having magnificent wine with friends at my favortie wine bar when the topic of Valentine’s Day came up. These friends, both male, are tragically romantic, just wanted an Isolde to their Tristan. In mid romantic flux (when I was closest to vometing) I stated…Valentine’s Day is a hoax; I don’t believe in it or romance anymore.

You’d have thought I’d deflated their god. Retracking my statement wasn’t possible with these two, whom I obviously irked a bit. And what’s more, at the time I didn’t want to retract my statement. For years I’d been doted upon on Valentine’s Day and yet I cannot for the life of me recall a single event. I’m not sure if it’s the political side of me taking over, demanding that love not be enforced by the monetary institutions of our nations, or it could have been….

That I missed romance enough that I didn’t want to think about it.

My mother died a few years ago—I think about her periodically, but I don’t expect her to come back, I don’t wane for her existence, I accept that she’s gone and move on. I think the same has happened for me and romance.

I’ve been on enough dates…enough BAD HORRIBLE EXHAUSTINGLY HUMOROUS dates that I’ve started to believe that romance and romantic love do not exist…at least, for me. Is this living passionately??? Aren’t my friends, stupid as they seem to me right now, living passionately whilst I am “fearlessly” hiding behind non-emotion??? I’m perterbed with myself—I have decided that one of my goals should be, most certainly, to find my Tristan, to find my romantic desire again. I think the fear of rejection is the greatest dragon when searching for my knight in shining armor, so this will take a while.

is spending time with my nephews. Just a few hours with those boys and I feel so differently. I forget every worry, and see every amazing thing I normally wouldn’t, and cannot stop smiling after our wrestling matches and hiding games and snacking fests. Want to live passionately? Get down on the ground and play with kids.

The winter chill is spilling all around us; grass is no longer bespeckeled with dew but instead with ice from the morning watering. By five in the evening it’s dark enough that I feel like it’s time for bed—my nephews are confused thinking it’s dinner time, since they are accustomed to eating when it gets dark. Trees around my neighborhood are bare, streets lined with their leaves, and the sunsets are chilly and golden over Red Rock.

I love this time of year, when Vegas has its only evidence of seasons. But it’s this time of year, and the changes all around, that make me ponder why I live here at all. It isn’t to say that I don’t like a nice summer—lounging at the beach or swimming at the pool wouldn’t be the same somewhere that it doesn’t heat up at least a bit during summertime. However, the feel of a warm sweater against my skin and a beanie covering my curly hair feels like home to me. I can’t even imagine struggling through the heat of August right now, wearing next to nothing and still sweating profusly.

This is the time of year where I wish I lived anywhere but here, doing anything but this. Perhaps it’s the lack of sun or the loneliness of the holidays, but I find myself daydreaming about an exotic locale…with snow. I see myself in a cabin in Jackson Hole preparing for backcountry boarding or a happening bar in Mammoth after a long day on the slopes or in the Swiss Alps sipping mulled wine to ward away the chill. And I wonder how my life came to be this way, trapped by the one accomplishment I am most proud of—my house.

It’s not to say that without my house that I certainly would be found in any of the above destinations. Instead, it’s a scapegoat, something to blame with hopeful obvious understanding. I name this Lazy Blame—when we are too frightened or poor or lazy to accomplish what we want, we find some lame excuse to cover our reasons not to do it. So here I am Lazy Blaming my house that I’m not off snowboarding (when the truth is that it’s mostly that I’m not that good and that I’m afraid to go alone), and I’m Lazy Blaming my friends for not mountain biking with me for my lack of peddling this summer, and I’m Lazy Blaming every bill I currently have for the reason why I haven’t been abroad in a year.

Certainly, this needs to end. Between Lazy Blaming and pure fear of failure, I have abruptly ended my “live life to the fullest” mantra. I’d blame it on the purchase of my house since on that date did my lust for life cease, but then this would be the circle I’m trying to avoid. I know I need a way out, but there isn’t a pleasant one that I can see from here. I’ve taken a second job and am contemplating a third, all to make ends meet or to buy necessary items for said house. I have to make a plan so that in the chill of the winter months I will no longer be hiding out on the couch watching television, but instead gearing up in a remote location.

If life is short-and it certainly feels that way already at 31-then why am I wasting my days away claiming I’m tired or poor or scared? When I die, I don’t want my tombstone to read ALWAYS PLAYED IT SAFE. I need to have that passion, that drive, that need for tasting life every second of every day. How do I find it?

This week, I am on the search for my desire. If anyone happens to see it, please let me know.

Every day I used to wake up practically jumping out of bed for joy of being alive and couldn’t wait to attack the world…well, attack maybe isn’t the right word, but hopefully you know what I mean. My students are freaked out about my energy in the morning, actually, and lately I feel like I’m dragging myself through the day, then end up sitting in front of the TV (which I never used to or rarely did) and not even caring about what I’m watching. I’ve lost a desire for food (which is a big deal normally for me) and am not excited about anything it seems. I’m happy sitting at home talking to the wall.

So where did I go? I’m the one who runs circles around people begging them to join in the circle-running. I want everyone to feel the passion for life I feel…or at least felt. So how do I find ME again?

Maybe it’s finances (or lack thereof). Maybe it’s my love life (or lack thereof). I feel like I need to shaken awake. AK!

I literally just ended a texting “conversation” with a friend of mine, T. He’s hysterical because he’s much like me-although we are both in our 30s, it hasn’t occurred to either of us that we should be behaving differently ultimately-we just dress better and drive nicer cars now.

In truth, the things that drive us are what make us happy, and to deny ourselves that would be to imprison ourselves in anguish and to not live passionately. T has a serious passion for bikes and snowboarding. Late last night he apparently was digging up an empty lot to make jumps-he claims (at least to the cops who questioned him) that it’s something to “keep the neighborhood kids outta trouble” but I think it’s more to keep HIM out of trouble! The cops thought it odd that an adult functioning male be making piles of dirt, understandably so in this mafia-based city. But that’s the beauty of T-he has a job where he gets paid oodles more than anyone I know and he considers it “playing.” He didn’t listen when people said, “Don a tie, son, and find yourself a desk if you are to be a REAL man.” He followed his heart. He snowboards three days a week during winter when I’m lucky to get three days a season. He bikes every cool afternoon he can because, well, he can. So where does that leave him?

Digging up empty lots to make jumps so he can play.

We laughed about it and I admitted that most people who know me think I’m nuts for coaching boys soccer, for traveling alone, for blogging, for speding the early morning summer hours gardening, for wanting to give up my comfortable life to live abroad for a year. Yes, we don’t do things conventionally, but sometimes conventional isn’t passionate. Conventional, many times, is the easy way out, the path that’s well marked and well lit and you don’t have to worry or risk or think for yourself and will always be supported by others on the same path. Aside from the minimal creature comforts that money provides, I find conventionalism an early death. What makes living so intriguing is NOT knowing what’s going to happen, is putting myself in new positions where I am outside my comfort zone. You learn so much more about the world and about yourself this way. And you feel alive!

...that living passionately does not necessarily mean partying all the time. Let me explain…I live in a 24hour town that encourages “night life.” As a teacher, we have the blessing of Spring Break as well, and it’s easy to see the night life as a way to enjoy the break. Normally, I’m out every night carrying on and dancing and having a great time without causing a roucus. However, last night I realized it’s all changed. Since I bought my house, all I’ve wanted is, well, my house. Instead of dancing and meeting new people last night, I wanted to be gardening (yes, at night) and cleaning my house and watching a movie on my couch. Does this mean I am not living passionately I questioned myself at 3 am when I finally dragged my friend home. No, I answered, instead living passionately could perhaps also be noted as living PURPOSEFULLY. Gardening is purposeful to me. Having dinner with my nephews instead of drinks with a friend is purposeful. Keep in mind, though, that I still like getting my groove on, but the change is me: I have more ways to live passionately now than before. And it’s a good change.

Stop whining and just do it, just follow your heart. That’s my advice to those cynics still on the fence about taking that vacation or buying that desired object. For two weeks I wondered whether I should spend the money to visit my friends in Salt Lake City for another hedonistic (well, almost) weekend snowboarding and listening to music. Suddenly, the overwhelming urge to just go and shut up about the concerns. As I purchased the ticket online, I never had a doubt—it seemed, well, right.

And it certainy was. Anything to get up on the slopes, anything to feel the sun on my face and hear my board whooshing over powder, live music after a great ride with beer in hand. Some call it irresponsible. My family gets annoyed with me because here I am 30 years old and still living the life of my early 20s (only with more money and better choices in friends…and music…and clothes). I don’t have the responsibilities most of my friends and family have and oftentimes they become frustrated with me that I can just decide on a Tuesday that I’m flying out of state 3 days later to board for two days and share a bed with a male friend—platonically thank you very much. Crazy as it is, it’s my life, and I couldn’t have it any other way.

Perhaps those wo poopoo my life are actually jealous of the freedom it affords me. Truthfully, I see how we lose ourselves in our children, but that is certainly not a reason not to live passionately. When your kids are two, live life like a two year old. Enjoy the moments of childhood all over again, and enjoy the love your children provide. And if you are childless, enjoy the freedom you have been blessed with. Every life we are given is beautiful, so live each life passionately.