overcome borderline personality disorder

i think i’m going to have to tackle this by breaking it down a bit. break dowwn each of the behaviours that particularly affect me then try to tackle them one at a time. to be hones i don’t see me going through some kind of personality transformation that’s going result in me not being bpd. i reckon the best i can do is handle those most destructive behaviours a bit better. but it has to be one thing at a time. for now i’m going to try and concentrate on the anger part – not only is that really negative to me but has impact on others too, so i think i need to try and control that a bit too. to be hones i think i’ve went through a kind of natural progression with bpd. i think the fact that i recognised it in myself is testamont to that. also, since beginning of the year, well before i knew about the bpd i managed to radically improve my relationship with my mum, which had previously been terrible and really upsetting. i still haven’t argued with her this year, and i’m able to handle my dad and my brother for that matter a lot better, as in i don’t rise to them at all (reckon they’re both bpd too). all the internal turmoil though, the self hatred and grief and suicidal thoughts etc that has almost seemed to get worse – but i reckon that’s down to me having been totally straight for the past few years – i’m having to face it rather than just numb it. anyway, i’m going to leave this goal as a kind of top level thing and concentrate breaking it down a bit and trying to make some changes that way.

is anybody (if anybody with bpd is reading this) making progress with this goal? just wondering how others might be approaching it and if so with what kind of progress?

started family counselling today for my daughter and i. think what came out of it was the on/off nature of my marriage was undoubtedly having a really bad effect on my daughter – something i’m aware of anyway. so i suppose i just need to concentrate on making this seperation work – i mean accept that seperation is better for us all and stick to it – damage limitation i suppose. the constant getting back together though – i suppose i always wanted or actually thought my h was just somebody he was not. i suppose we both have responsibility for that. i think this idealisation thing with bpd no doubt had it’s part to play, but also he was never truthful to me – i am only now beginning to realise the extent of the lies that made my relationship – so the whole thing feels like a bit of a farce – like it was never what i thought it was or wanted it to be. that’s why i kept going back – as i longed for that which i thought it could be. despite the lies and deceit i was always willing/wanting to trust again – believe he was the wonderful guy i was in love with. i think now though it is getting harder to kid myself on like that. i still think he is basically a good guy – just does stupid things that impact others more than him i suppose. i am still hurt and angry – but i can see that we could all be happier apart, for the reality of our togetherness is quite something different to this fantasy that i had created for us.

anyway my priority now is like i say to try and be more consistant in regards to that. i would say more stable but i know the future holds lots of chaos to come which for the moment is totally outwith my control. i need to though be strong in my commitment to stay apart from him. how can that be so difficult to achieve?

i wanted to come back to this. there have been many periods of my life which have been spent in a haze of some substance or other. during all of these episodes i have suffered the most terrible come downs – more so than that of anyone else i was participating with. what i began to notice though as i began to wean myself off drugs and drink – that when i did indulge the comedowns became even worse – much worse. i know at the time i couldn’t figure this out. i remember thinking that it seemed a bit topsy turvy – i would have thought that when getting out my head on a much more frequent level that i should have been more messed up – but it didn’t work that way. i remember i had cut down to taking e every other month or so – i allowed myself this indulgence as i had seen it like i was out of that scene of getting nutted all weekend and getting drunk through the week. anyway the aftermath of one of these ‘rare’ indulgences had me almost pulling my hair out – i felt i was going absolutely mad and i knew i just couldn’t survive feeling that way. i had to get out that day and try something. i went to a centre in the city i stay – it wasn’t really well suited to my problems – it dealt really with heroin users and i suppose it was hard even for me to understand how they could have been of help – as i was obviously not ‘addicted’ in a physical sense. anyway – i also spent time searching the book store for some help – ended up with this positive thinking book and for a time i managed to put that stuff into practice. i also went to the docs at that time to arrange to see a psychologist but unless you were threatening suicide (which i wasn’t about to tell the doc if i was) the waiting list was around a year. anyway point is that the less substances i was taking the more down i was feeling????

so now i find i don’t take anything – and yet the downers have an intensity greater than any of the drug/booze aftermaths. so i’m just starting to put this together. now i am thinking that what i was putting down to ‘come downs’ was actually really only the state of my emotional life that i was trying to escape from through the drink/drugs. i honestly never went for that kind of explanation before. i really felt that i indulged in any substance to because it made me feel good. so now i’m starting to believe no i indulged in it because for a short time it gave me a short reprieve from the way i was actually feeling. the come downs were just the short sharp shocks into the reality of those emotions again.

so now i’m here with nothing really to take the edge of those emotions. i don’t take any sort of meds for depression or anything else. the thing is though i’m now realising that these are the emotions that i need to work through – not to dull. somehow i am going to have to work through these emotions – this grief – before i am able to resolve anything.

so ok here i am – getting some counselling although not specific to bpd, going to mass/praying, writing here and occassionally in my journal, reading – no miracle cures but some small steps i hope that will in some ways make some positive differences. i don’t have the resources to get the psychoanalysis or other specific bpd treatments but i am willing to try and use the resources i do have.

like the counsellor yeaterday – he had no idea what bpd was – and although both he and i recognise then that he is not of specific use to focus on that – the guy is an experienced addiction and anger/stress management counsellor. he also has his own story of survival. anyway i think he has something to offer – you know if i can make some small steps in those directions which he does have experience in. the thing is i am never going to find the miracle cure that i’d like. i’d like just to talk to the right person who would , by just speaking to them, make everything ok. reality is though that any sort of progress is a lot more pragmatic than that – and requires a lot more effort, practice, motivation.

anyway – i just wanted to babble about that a bit.

last week i went to see my parish priest, who gave me the number of a catholic counselling service which provides counselling at reduced and sometimes free rates. i have an appointment to see a guy today. at least i feel i am on track again to make some small steps towards recovery. my appointment with my daughter at the family counselling service is wed this week so hopefully we can make some progress there too.

the reason i went to see the priest was not really about counselling – that is just something that came up. rather i wanted to make confession in order that i can start taking communion at mass. a year ago, almost exactly, i went to see the same priest about getting the kids baptised, my son was just a few weeks old, but none of the other kids had been baptised. i had wanted them baptised as because my kids went to the local catholic nursery i had decided to send them to the catholic school, for which they will need to be baptised in order to make communion etc. anyway, both my husband and i are catholic although neither of us had went to mass for years. when i spoke to the priest he spoke to me about the commitment etc of bringing the kids up catholic, meaning going to mass. also was an issue that my husband and i were not married in the chapel so neither of us would be able to take communion. i never told the priest at the time that i had spereated from my h – mainly ‘cos the kids were there and i knew i would just break down if i mentioned it. also for my eldest daughter it was not so simple – she was going to have to take instruction in order to be baptised. anyway he told me to go away and think about things – which at the time is exactly what i did. this was way prior to me knowing anything about bpd, but i did go and reflect on my life. i thought about how i allowed myself to be so easily influenced in everything – literally i believed anything. since i was about 12 – actually way before then – i would just go along with what anybody suggested – wich led me quickly and deeply into many drug/alcohol/solvent abusing behaviours. funny enough not sex – never had a lot to do with guys in that way then – think they were all too frightned of me to dare approach that! anyway, i got to thinking about my life since being a teenager, just thinking about what now appear to me as complete bullshit philosophies – which were only ever preached by those who were the converted. i thought about the conversations i used to have with my first serious boyfriend , whom i moved in with after only seeing him for one month. how i thought it was absurd for people to think about getting married before living together, how stupid that would be, how you had to try living together beforehand – how in any case there was no need or point of marriage. but what did i actually get out of that. ok so i got to leave my parents house which was a nightmare for me to live in. but after 3 years or so – what did i have – absolutely nothing – no commitment , no friendship – nothing but left feeling hurt , lonely and alone. the same guy convinced be of how harmless it was smoking hash 24/7. i can still see myself professing to anybody willing to listen about the benefits of it, and actually the benefits of making all drugs legal. needless to say i spent the next 5 years in a total haze, dropping out of uni twice and being totally unable to function without being stoned. that was shit – i see it so claearly now. i’m not saying that nobody should smoke hash – that is entirely up to them – but i can say that for 5 years or more i did absolutely nothing constructive but live in a stoned haze which made me so lazy that i couldn’t be bothered to do anything – and where my ambition amounted to lying in a hammock in the carribean smoking a spliff. again the same guy convinced me (very easily) that it was perfectly ok to defraud the government – in fact my right – after all more money goes unclaimed than that which is defrauded so it is my duty. funny he was a middle class guy studying to be a social worker. that led me to a life of such fraud – leading me to where i am today with a possible prison sentence luming. i know at this point it may seem i am shifting the blame – i don’t mean to – i was simply observing how i so willingly adopted these approaches to life that in retrospect led to nothing positive. after that there was the whole e phase – god that whole scene – so diverse but all absolutely religious in the belief that ecstacy had no harmul effects – well after years of hammering that i don’t think they could say the same thing if they saw inside my head. sex, abortion, debt, drink whatever – i allowed myself to believe it was all fine, yet returning home that day from the priest i could evaluate where it had in fact led me. i know following religion can just be another instance of me taking on beliefs – but this time i am thinking well surely following the basic principles as set out in the 10 commandments – surely that can only be good for me. so i have been trying for the past year to follow that doctrine more. being able to take communion i see is offering me a little bit more support in the right direction. having bpd and all the chaos that means – i feel like having a healthy doctrine to follow gives me just something else to help guide my decisions – not that it always does – far from it – but it is something i am aiming for. anyway need to leave now for the counselling.

just a thought though – i haven’t abused drink and drugs for a few years now although i have other destructive habits, but was thinking today that during that time of not abusing substances i have actually felt more pain and distress. then i suppose that would make sense if you accept the idea that you indulge in that sort of abuse to numb the pain. i never really went for that before but i have been thinking of it more recently due to this observation. anyway i’ll come back to that later need to go for now.

i had another bpd outburst today with my teenage daughter. it has ended up me sending her to my mother’s to stay – i just feel unable to cope. my daughter definately has some bpd behaviours – i just can’t deal with that at the moment. we have an appointment next week with a family clinic that has a collection of psychologists, social workers etc. i feel on the verge of just telling them that i believe i am bpd and her with some behaviours. however – i am terrified they will use that label to remove my kids from me. i don’t have any problems with the younger kids – i am not a perfect mum – but i am pretty patient with them and they are happy and well looked after. i know though the relationship with my teenager is detrimental to me and her. i will talk with the people at the family clinic if it is better for her to stay permanantly at my mothers.

i just don’t know where to go with this bpd. for the past week or so i have been thinking that i just need to accept myself for now the way i am as nothing is going to change over night. it seems so hopless. like i say i am terrified to tell the doctor or social workers about it in case they take my kids off me – that would be devastating for the kids – and bpd or not the little ones are undoubtedly better off with me – their lives are no different than any other kids their age. i have tried to get private therapy but it is so expensive and here in uk there just isn’t the same awareness about bpd. i have this self help book that i have started but always seem too tired or preoccupied with my own misery to keep up with it. like i say it just seems so helpless. when i feel like this i always search frantically on the internet for some other help but then end up reading stuff that just reaffirms how hopeless the situation is, how bad a mother i probably am and the horrendous effects i am likely to have on my kids. by all accounts i should come with a health warning. yet despite the rages i can have – despite the insults i can hurl and the hurt i can cause to others in those moments – which i can in no way excuse, i also know this. i am not as bad a person as a lot of so called ‘normal’ people i have met. i suppose we need to live somehow with the hand that has been dealt us. i will need to try harder somehow.

have just got so depressed again. don’t understand hpw i let this creep up on me then – wham – it really knocks me out. feel totally unable to cope with the everyday things. the house, the kids – even getting ready, getting fed properly…
i can’t stand beig like this. i feel so down and sad and pissed off at myself. don’t know how long it will last or what it will take to lift myself up from this and get some motivation back. most of all feel like a complete failure as a mum.

really feel i’ve set myself back a bit with this. think i let physical illness pull my mood down – you know just got put back with my simple everyday routines that i really need to make me feel better. stuff lots of people seem to do no problem. just got behind on cleaning, cooking, walking , exercise – that sort of stuff. amazing how letting the simple things like that go really affect my headspace. i’d say over three weeks i’ve managed to get myself really low again. then my reolve to deal with stuff just isn’t as strong – i start getting more irritated with my daughter and go back to the more controlling parenting methods. same with my h – start letting him get to me and losing my temper – all the same old reactions.

i also had to pack in my therapy – it is just so expensive – i simply can’t afford it just now. i do have a couple of self help books though that i could have been getting on with and haven’t. hopefully i’ll find some more motivation to pick that up.

for now i’ve decided to try and lift my depression a bit so trying to get started on some depression cbt exercises. i’ll see how it goes.

i’m feeling pretty down – negative feelings all kind of creeping up on me. can’t feel motivated really. thinking about packing in my cbt mainly ‘cos it’s expensive. i reckon i should give it another 4 weeks then try to do the self help stuff as in an Angry HEart. I had been trying that but just don’t find the time to get though it or rather prefer spending my time doing other stuff like lazing about. got annoyed at my daughter today too. i’ve been trying not to let her cheek get to me but this morning i just couldn’t shrug it off the way i have been. just getting fed up being called an idiot and crap mother. after putting up with her shouting and screaming i ended up just putting her out the door physically in order that she get the school bus on time. managed to just catch the neighbours too as they go on their merry way. i feel really down though. i have been just putting up with her crap in the mornings and by the time she has been ready to go to school she has came round a bit and has left with a kiss goodbye. it is hard though to feel warmly to someone when they’re giving you all sorts of crap and then just turn round like everything is ok. i suppose it’s my karma catching up with me. i was thinking today that if her behaviour just goes on like this then when she is 18 i will make her leave. i feel crap for thinking like that and i worry too as i don’t think by 18 she’ll be nearly ready to leave the house but the thought of this sort of relationship just going on and on. i suppose it’s the bpd as well creeping up on me making me lose perspective. i think the past couple of weeks i’ve been feeling pretty ill physically – it seems to have affected my mood too and optimism quite badly. i keep writing here just so i am doing one other small thing towards keeping on top of this.

oh man – i’m really starting to feel like someone’s out to test me here. got a phone call last night saying my h was in police station having failed a breath test and been done for speeding – and he had my 2 younger girls aged 4 & 5 with him in the police station.

feeling pretty down about this. i’ve had numerous arguments with him about drink driving. i told him last time that it just wasn’t on anymore – that it was a breaking point for me. just worried that that is just ‘another one’ sort of. anyway i feel strongly about it. the thing is though he had said a while ago that he had stopped drinking as it was really becoming a problem. feel like this is just another instance of him pulling th wool over my eyes.

i suppose i need to sit down and work things out properly. actually by the time i got to police station they said he was in fact ok – he says he only had one beer so when they took him to the station after failing the initial test he was ok.

doesn’t really change anything though. still that mindset. he knows he is going to pick up the kids but still goes to the pub beforehand. i need to work this out properly.

on the positive side i did manage to keep pretty cool about it. i knew i had to give him the benefit of the doubt until i at least got to the station. i did phone his mum to tell her though on the insistance of my mum – i wish i hadn’t did that – and that was kind of impulsive.

the other thing is we were not really meant to start living together until i try to work things out a bit here. i had said after christmas. annyway he has kind of crept back into the house – both of us getting comfortable i suppose. i just wonder though if it would be best to really give us more time apart – i just kind of feel i am trying to deal with enough of my own shit without dealing with him – it just seems like one thing after another it’s starting to get in the way of me working on me i think.

anyway – this is one i defiantely need to work out. this is where i have been doing really shit. i should be doing these cbt exercises which help me work out my thoughts such as this but i just never seem to get round to actually doing it. i need to start applying myself more here.

god wot a trying week. had my brother go off on one at me for no good reason…well saying he is my brother. is true though – he wasn’t brought up in the same household with no effect at all. got me thinking about our upbringing. wondering why my sister seems so controlled. guess we all held different positions iin the family, different status’s and had differing effects on each other. had things go over in my head. got to feeling really angry thinking about it all thinking about some of the shit he gave me blah blah. he definately has some borderline behaviour i.e. the raging. with a little bit of insight though it is easier for me to deal with that shit. was a point not so long ago when one of his outbursts like that would have created ww3.

then same night i end up having an argument with my h. well he was pissed off at me over something but was something i wasn’t prepared to budge on. i didn’t want it to create animosity between us but well he obviously didn’t want to let it go sulking for ages after. i kept trying to bring him out his mood but it was only leading to an argument. it never exploded though – which is probably a first for me – having an argument that doesn’t escalate full blast. i was able to feel my anger and knew where it would go if i let it – somehow managed to bring it back. also managed to call it quits before we were shouting and was also aware of the kids and was aware that i wasn’t going to be arguing in front of them – another first. felt annoyed that my h was going down the road he was – considering i am trying to deal with this – but once i took some time to think realised that the world doesn’t stop and revolve around me just cos i find out i’m bpd. also realised that although i felt he had been escalating things cos of his reluctance to come out of his mood – that hey if he wants to be in a mood that is up to him – i don’t and shouldn’t have control over that. also made me read the chapter on anger in my cbt book so something positive came of it. actually i’m glad it happened – we had a disagreement that never went out of control and i learned a lot from that. it’s not like arguments are just not going to happen anymore but i do need to know how to deal with them better – so yeah some progress was made.

my teenage daughter is off on a big night out tonight – this was her reward for behaving 50% of the time – i’m totally chuffed about that. yeah her tantrums are still going strong but as i said before they are becoming less frequent and less disturbing cos i’m not joining in. the fact that she is off out tonight is testimont to the progress we have both made there. i’m feeling great for that.

now need to get my finger out get the house cleaned etc – i’ve been totally off my feet this week with illness so have let things go to pot there. so need to try and get things sorted out.

interesting and trying week. i think i did ok although i am still thinking really negatively and twisted – i wish my ways of thinking would be better but i suppose small steps.