that’s me! well here’s my first post on 43things… not quite sure what to say or where to start but here goes…
I’m 22 and I think the agoraphobia started when I left school at 16. I was meant to go onto college (high school) a few months after leaving but just couldn’t face it. Think it was to do with being in a whole new environment, with all those new people the same age, judging me, I just couldn’t face them. I had bad acne at the time too which made me feel awful about myself. I felt quite depressed and I’m naturally shy too so that didn’t help either :)
Also at that time when I was out and about I’d be so self conscious, especially over my terrible skin/how I looked, I noticed panic attacks would come on, especially out shopping in those busy shops – and I just had to get out of them! suppose that’s social anxiety disorder. Guess the two go hand in hand really!
Anyway, I’ve stayed at home for months at a stretch and I think the longest I’ve stayed in, (not that I’m counting) was probably 9months maybe it was a year… I had myalgia from taking roaccutane to clear my skin and I’d got Labyrinthitis from a head injury and was dizzy all the time that I considered it best if I stay in til it cleared up, which took over a year to clear up!
I remember quite vividly my first experience of going out after that time, May last summer, everything was so unreal, alien and big! But I made it though. Well I had to, as I’d bought a new camera that was waiting for pickup at the delivery office – would have been returned if I hadn’t gone that day (I’m hoping to be a pro photographer one day, so getting my pro camera is what drove me out).
Right now I’m off out, (when I really need to) once or twice every two weeks or so. I’m starting to feel much better about going out now, but still get so nervous – especially when getting ready, (I make excuses to myself to stay in instead, takes me ages to get ready and then I say “oh it’s too late now, I can go tomorrow instead, I’ll have more time then” and sometimes I look in the mirror and after seeing myself, just can’t bare to go outside).
However, I’m beginning to feel that (as I’m getting older perhaps) my perceptions on things are changing a little, I’ve grown new ambitions and have things to hope for. And that’s what I’m holding on to and reminding myself, driving me to overcome this thing. Sorry this post has been a long one, but I hope my journey will encourage you too… best finish this entry for today though! :)
