control my drinking

i have a calendar on the wall that my aunt made (she makes one every year as xmas presents). i’ve never ever used them before, but this time i tacked it up and started figuring things out.

one of the things i’ve started to mark down is when i get drunk. (because let’s face it – there is no such thing as only 1 or 2 drinks… binge or nothing!)

i just write “booze” or “b” on that day, with no actual goal or punishment or anything.

i’ve found that noticing is half the battle. there it is, on the wall, for all to see (ie: my partner as well). three to four times a week is a lot more than i’ve been admitting to myself (all along, i’ve been insisting that i’ve been getting better at this!)...

so yeah, i’ve automatically started to plan ahead and decide in advance when i’m gonna go buy a bottle of wine (or two). also, i find myself saying: hey look, i’ve gone two days! let’s try three next week.

it’s low pressure. it’s good. no rules, but still happening.

this weekend was a celebration of a job change for me. i social-drank and that was awesome… i also drank at home with movies and books, but i somehow felt that it was “okay”.

i think the only way it will be “okay” is if i stop now that the weekend is over. goal: no private drinking this week.

wish me luck!

pro’s for quitting:
- takes away the need to always make a decision whenever a possible drinking situations arises… saying NO is way easier to do than having to deliberate every single time
- best solution for people with addictions (which i had/have)
- best for my body
- best for my pocketbook

BUT in the end, why do i still only want to reduce?

a lot has to do with how i drink.
i am a PRIVATE DRINKER. that means that i do a lot of drinking alone, and avoid social situations and my partner in favour of a bottle of wine and a movie. there are many reasons why i got into this habit, but it has become quite damaging to my health, my relationship, my friendships, and my life in general.

i want to stop drinking at home alone. i want to stop needing booze to relax, to enjoy a film, to deal with any of my emotions.

going out and having only one or two drinks is easy for me, because then i just want to leave early, go home, and cuddle up with more booze and a good tv show.

anyways. i want to switch my habits. i want to drink socially, as most normal people do… i think the average for a canadian woman is supposed to be 2 drinks 4 times a week. that seems so manageable, if only i could quit my private habits!

so that is what i am working on, and have been working on for the past year or so.

hope this makes sense!

i’ll be brief on this one…
- alcohol abuse for 15 years
- diagnosed with alcohol addiction last year when i finally went for help
- still struggling with it all
- quitting is what i SHOULD do… reduction is definitely harder and less desirable in the long run, but i don’t need to tell you how hard quitting completely is when you just aren’t ready

so yes. reduction. big time. hard.

BUT getting easier! it’s been about a year since i made the first few steps towards facing my problems. it’s painful, hard, and takes a lot of falling down and getting back up.

that said, it gets easier and easier to make the better choice these days. still not all the way to “normal drinker” but on the road.

high fives and hugs to the rest of you trying this too!