At times I think about death and its impact on us all. When we’re going to lose someone dear to us, or what we’re going to do after we lose someone dear to us. It has always bothered me.
For years and years, I was afraid of death, until I lost someone. And then I didn’t fear death anymore, I only feared losing someone again. And it takes such a long while to adjust after losing someone dear to you, at times one might feel that they’re just not entirely right anymore, and sadly, many are not the same at all. In fact, I believe there is a change after we lose someone that meant the world to us, hopefully not a change noticeable by someone else, but that change is always a constant from the moment someone leaves.
I’ve decided that there are so many reasons left to live for, and I really don’t want to die! There’s so much to accomplish, and there’s no room for illness or car accidents, or terror or disaster. I want to do everything I can to feel exactly as my mother did. Though she died a slow and terrible death, she was somehow able to feel her life was so complete. And I’m happy that she was able to stop worrying for my sister and I.
But I’m not there yet!! And I want to stop worrying about what could possibly happen next, or who, or what I’m going to lose unexpectedly. There’s just so much that can happen to us in our lifetimes, and I’ve gotten to that point where I feel it’s possible to be struck with death by anything. So I suppose the real goal is not to worry? Or not to worry about this in particular?
The real underlying bit is all the same though—I just want to be happy.
