be a better parent

Stress is the root of all my poor parenting moments. (Hmm, I made a typo: “poop parenting.” Freudian? ;-)

All parents know that kids increase stress. My wife and I never had a single argument in over four years until the kids came along. Then, in our first month with twin infants, the constant demands and sleep-deprivation changed all that fast. Kids require constant problem-solving and can’t be put on hold like other demands. They are always changing and making our previous solutions obsolete. They require oodles of patience as we have to repeat the same lesson over and over and over before they internalize it… But the fact is, we choose to be parents and so we choose the stress. We can’t remove the stress so we must learn how to defuse it.

For me, sleep helps with stress, as does regular exercise and eating right (mostly a low-carb, low-GI diet). Along with these and just as important is staying organized. When I allow enough time for things, I can usually save time with more creative responses to the kids behavior rather than spiraling into a power-struggle. Most of all, I almost never raise my voice with the kids (other than an attention-getting “hey!”) when I’m not stressed.

When I’m not stressed, I explain things better and discipline more appropriately. Most of all, I show the kids more attention and love.

It’s official: stress is the #1 enemy of this parent!

I still haven’t been getting enough sleep, but I’ve certainly been getting more for the past week than I was before…and it’s really increased my patience and creativity with the monsters my darling little girls. ;-)

Here’s a virtual cheer for myself! :D

Yesterday morning I absolutely lost it. The kids woke me up and immediately started hurling demands at me. I lost it to them and to my wife…not a good start to the day.

The worst part was that it really wasn’t anyone else’s fault but my own. The kids were acting like 5-year-olds because…uh…they are! My wife was frustrated with me because I was being an unreasonable grump. I’ve been going to bed late for too many nights in a row and it finally all caught up with me.

Last night I went to bed “early” (11pm) and it made such a difference today. I think I’ll just stick with trying to get to bed at a reasonable time as my “parenting improvement plan” and take it from there. Being “mindful” and “proactive” isn’t even possible for me without enough zzzzzzzzzzzzz….....

I’ve chosen three steps to start with:

1. Be mindful
2. Be proactive
3. Get more sleep

Being mindful in this case means being aware of everyone’s state of mind and ability to cope with a given situation. I want to teach responsibility and also be reasonable with the kids and with myself. If they’re under stress, they’re going to act out. If I’m under stress, I may “lose it” as well. When we’re all operating pretty well, it’s a good time for lessons and discipline. When we’re not, it’s time to be more flexible and open to negotiation. Being mindful also means being present, in the room both physically and mentally with the kids. This can be difficult but should be helped by the next step…

Being proactive for me involves planning ahead for the big routine events (meals, bath, and bedtime) as well as planning fun activities and outings to keep the kids engaged. Some of my need for this is because I don’t like being surprised by requests, especially at late times when I’m forced to say, “no.” If I’m ready with either my own plan, or by asking the kids what they want to do before it’s too late to say “yes” to them, then I don’t get surprised into stressful situations. (“Stressful” either due to conflict or capitulation.)

The third step (Get more sleep) may seem out of place, but I find that I succumb to stress and irrationality much more easily when I haven’t slept enough. There’s also a vicious cycle at work here. All three of these steps can reinforce each other—and ignoring one undermines the other.

It looks like this will be the core leading to a better life for me, my kids, and my wife overall.