live my life

You praised me for my openness, you said I was so raw as to be naked. It’s true – perhaps in this age of the memory hole and always on info machine, it might not be wise to be so exposed. After all, the next person to google me might be a client, or an employer, or (gasp) my mother!

However, I know of no other way to live. I will not edit or censor myself. I will not lose my pluck. I will not let the bastards win.

I am looking for a job, in the traditional sense, no more of this solo stuff. I can’t handle the gnawing insecurity, the sense of dread that follows from not know when I’m going to have another client.

It’s hard to live life when you’re not sure if you can make the rent.

It allowed me to refocus and drive my energies into work stuff, on behalf of people who have actually not screwed me. On the whole, I am in a happier, more productive place than I was before. I am living on my terms, where there are no closets, no restraints, no obstacles.

I nearly lost it after one disatrous work week. This is real life, without a net.

I stumbled, but stayed on the tightrope.

A couple clients tried to screw me out of some money. One I got tough with, the other, more serious one, I am about to get tough with. Money problems are so acute sometimes, that they blind you to the important things. This was that kind of week.

I fell back into some old self-destructive habits when it felt like all hope was lost. I am taking this weekend to recharge. Come back Monday morning with a vengeance and work my cases, get new clients, and return to living my life!

I have my ups and downs. I am on my own, living on my own terms, and finding the peace and joy (and terror) of living my life.

I have spent so much of my life either pleasing (or my often, deliberately displeasing) someone else, that I could not please myself. I have lived a life of fear and shame.

No more. I am my own man, whatever that means. I want to be healthy and happy. I want to speak my truth, without fear or shame. I will focus on myself for a while, because focusing on the needs of others has gotten me nowhere thus far.

And I will emerge anew.

Limited by fear, limited by money, limited by a lot of things. Always answering to someone else, always in someone’s shadow.

Not anymore, world, not anymore. Gonna live my life.