be me

I was just made to feel guilty about it.

I am Charlie. I am smart, funny, sarcastic, more than a tiny bit flatulent, a lousy cook, a porn afficianado, and a gifted person in so many ways.

Whoever I am, those are my terms, and they are not negotiable.

Bipolar, that is.

Saw a shrink who disagreed with the diagnosis of ADD, and instead said I was Bipolar II- hypomanic-depressive. The more I learn about Bipolar disorder, the more I can accept that a hypomania can resemble ADD- impulsivity, inattentive, irritable, making rash decisions with money, sex, booze, etc.

Being me- maintaining and honoring my uniqueness- is important to me. But what if “me” is just an accident of neuro-chemistry? I wonder if i wouldn’t have been better off being an asskissing, social climbing dullard? Certainly life would be easier if nothing else. Asskissers get promotions and raises. Individualists get passed over for partner- who wants to partner with individualists?

All of which is why criminal defense is perfect for me. Criminal defense attorneys are all, to a one, weird. We don’t play well with others, nor do we even want to. We are not interested in working 90 hour weeks, and we all love to see our name in the paper, even if we don’t want to talk to the press.

I’m not sure about this diagnosis, and my psychiatrist even said that some of the things I was talking about were personality traits- no meds for that. I’ll try the meds she is suggesting, combined with some behavior modification, and therapy. All I know is that being me has cost me- my job, my marriage, whatever. I will not always be in my current office, and I will remarry someday. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again.

Since Hunnybunny & I separated (she will always be Hunnybunny to me), I am generally better behaved and less outrageous.

Makes you wonder….

Who am I? What am I?

I am freakishly smart, and not ashamed to say it. I am capable of both profound wisdom and equally profound goofiness. My sense of humor runs from fart jokes to Shakespeare. I can tell you who played third for the Mets in 1986 (Ray Knight) but not when garbage day is (Monday?). I can do physics calculations easily, but don’t ask me to balance my checkbook.

If you want to be my friend, you must not be one of the sheep who simply graze with the rest of the flock all day. You must stand out. Be bold. Be daring. Be different.

Be you. Like me.

After trying so hard, for so long to be something I’m not, I have to get back to basics. You can change a behavior, but it’s harder to change a personality. I’m whip smart, sardonic, and- yes- a little perverse at times. I’m also sentimental, sweet, and loyal to the end. On the whole, I think it all balances out.

Sorry, world- you’re going to have to deal with me as I am.