I started cutting myself the end of my sophomore year.. all ii can remember about that first time ii did it was that ii was really frustrated. I had just gotten into a HUGE fight with my family again [dad, stepmom, brother, 2 sisters] and was really upset. Everytime we fight they always seem to find something wrong with me, and kinda shove the fact that ii really am failing horribly at school, friends and life in general just made me upset and shooken up. But honestly who wouldnt be?? I ran down into my basement just trying to get away and there was my sister’s metal math compass,, ii dont know what ii was thinking!! But ii just grabbed it and ran to the bathroom and just sat there,, cutting. Ever since then ii cant stop. I thought ii was going to be ok cause ii didnt even think about cutting until a few months after my first situation, but sure enough, ii got into a fight with my brother about my school grades and off ii went. Into my room,, with the same compass. That was the last time ii used the compass,, as sick as it sounds ive found knives to be much better. :[ I cant stop and ii really need help!! My sister’s friend has asked about some bruises on my fingers [ii cut them and slammed them in my door]
ii told her ii got them stuck in a mousetrap because ii knew she’d believe it! People know me as the class clown, the always happy Lindsay! :D! Lindsay,, the person would never think about touching a knife unless she’s attempting to cook. I havent just lied to my sister’s friend,, but also to my fiance the other day,, he saw the scratches on my arm and ii just said my dogs jumped up on me. I hate lying to him, cause ii can talk to him about anything anytime! Anything except this,, sad thing is he didnt even notice ii was lying :[ some part of me smiles at that! I hate it cause it means that ii can easily get away with hurting myself,, and ii dont want to! I dont really want to tell my friends or family,, cause ii know that would just mean that ii really am a crazy, psycho failure at life :[ I know ii might have to eventually, but ii really dont know how they’d take it,, or what they would do!! Knowing them i’d be sent immediantly to cedar springs or something,, and ii really cant handle that. I’m not crazy, i’m just in trouble and need someone to be there for me and help me through this, someone who wont think i’m some psychotic teen who just wants to kill themself! I really need help. Please ii need someone to help me :[
