Stop second guessing myself, decide what I really want and make it happen

Well I have been at the non profit job now about 9 1/2 months. It is rewarding, but the most emotional and demanding job I have ever had. I don’t feel I can continue my personal goals (taking classes, hobbies, etc.) while working at this job. I had volunteered with the organization for 5 years before being hired full time. I enjoy it and still feel passionate about it, but it’s draining me. I would rather go back to volunteering for them, not working here. :-( I have an opportunity (possibly) to go back to my old job…I am considering it!

So I have always written short stories since I can remember, I had notebook after notebook filled in my childhood, teens, etc. I slacked big time in my early twenties til now. I still write down ideas, but haven’t finished anything for years. I have been thinking about this a lot the past few months. I decided to look up a publisher that I was interested in and actually was interested in a first chapter I sent them about 7 years ago (yea, I dropped the ball big time on that one…) and they are actually looking for submissions until June 1st!? Can I write a short story by then??? I don’t know, but I bet I can try. :-)

I won’t rush, I will just write. If I finish it, I’ll submit, if not, I’ll keep working on it until it’s done and submit next year. Sounds like a plan!!!

Seems like I have been quiet for awhile, not just absent from here, but sort of floating around.

Being sick for what seems like months (oh it has BEEN months) has not helped. Any ounce of energy I have is spent on catching up with normal day to day life; calling friends, catching up with mom, etc. I really think something at work (yes the new job I have only worked at for 6 months now) is making me sick, or I’m at least allergic to something there! I see an allergist today, so that might shed some light on things. Work is a long story. I like the job, it’s not my dream job by a long shot, but I still see it as I did when I first started, a stepping stone. Being close to home and having my classes paid for are HUGE perks. So I’m trying to stick it out and hope the allergist helps me.

I have felt better the past few days. Finally had a good weekend (not sick) and wonderful weather! I am hopeful the limbo stage/state is beginning to fade. I guess the winter in life is turning to spring and uplifting me (weather and in an uplifting life way!).

I think I have grown during this limbo stage, or at the very least it has made me think about my future more and who I am. I think I had put that on hold, or I had felt confident about who I was for awhile and things were good, but I have to sort of rethink that every once in awhile and re-evaluate it and make sure I’m STILL on the right path…I’m trying to answer that question (Am I on the right path) now, this spring. I think feeling healthier and being able to breath without pain will make me feel a lot better and I won’t be SO focused on ‘who am i, what am i doing, etc.’ Sickness has a way of making me second guess myself.

I need to ramble more often, here and in my journal!

Well the class I wanted was canceled last week and I had to choose another one. So I did and it starts tonight! I week sooner than the other class, but I have my books, my book bag, new pens…I’m set. :-) Looking forward to getting back into the school routine!

I started taking some basic college classes in the fall of 2005. I kept taking classes until Fall 2007. Health and family issues have been my excuses. I can push myself more. I know I can. I’m ready to start taking them again. Even with work getting crazy and having to go back to five days a week instead of four, I have been reviewing my class options.

I’m praying I can handle this. I want the outcome that is for sure; I want to teach. Simple as that. I have never had a better feeling in my gut than when I talk about teaching or hear a teacher talk about their job. Of course I wish I would have figured this out 10 years ago, but I didn’t. I can only move forward from this day on. I do have to move though, I have to decide on one or two classes, what exact class or classes and I have to submit the apps. I’m never going to fulfill this if I don’t move; even baby steps, so what if it takes me 10 years to get a 4 year degree while working full time?!

Seems like every time I think about this something (some obstacle) pops up. I have to just do it. I have to reorganize my time and look at each obstacle in a different way; as a stepping stone, as some sort of benefit.

Working an extra day is extra money…That will pay for the class(es). Sometimes (for me personally) it takes an obstacle to motivate. Sometimes you have to be forced into something, even if it’s something wonderful and what you want to do.