get over depression

(the one I have a harder time getting along with), told me today that she was talking with some acquaintances over coffee, the subject of teaching came up, and my roommate commented that she thought I must be a good teacher because I am able to make connections between student comments /interests and finding new ways to present lessons.

That was nice of her to say/ think. I hope it’s true, but who knows. I know that no one can be good at something ALL THE TIME.

I guess the weird thing for me is that I ENJOY my job, though it has its challenges for sure, I mostly feel like I am doing a good job (usually I find that we humans mainly enjoy things we are competent at, not the ones we are incompetent at). Sometimes I feel incompetent at work, because I’m a sub, and I sometimes don’t have the specialized/ technical knowledge needed for some of the upper level courses. [But even then, if something comes up I will read the textbook with the kids and have a go at solving the problem. If we still can’t get anywhere, I tell them to save it for their teacher and move on to the next problem!]

But I still only work part time, and I’m getting bummed about that. Too much free time is boring, when you’re the only one who’s free. And when you’re not making money.

I am a thinker and when I get depressed I just sit around and dwell on stuff.

So for me, the key to expanding my world (getting out of the spiral-thinking pattern) is to exercise – and also to socialize, but if someone tries to force me to socialize when I am in introverted-thinker mode, it turns ugly real fast.

Getting out to exercise is an effective intermediate step!

It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.
—Confucius

Yes, I am frustrated because things are going very slowly for me since I graduated with my latest degree. BUT it’s not because I am a horrible person, it’s just really hard to get a teaching job these days, when everything is being cut back.

So I am going to focus on the good things.

I get positive feedback, moral support and friendly comments from coworkers on a regular basis. I get more appreciation from students (i.e. “Yay, you’re our sub!”) than complaints.

Even though there is a lot of competition for work right now, I feel that the personal connections I’ve made in the past year and the (mostly) good job I have been doing have helped. [Even while technically following ‘the rules’ for calling people to work, if a workplace likes me they will give me the choicer options for work, and that has been pretty sweet.]

The future still does look pretty shaky, but what I really need is the CONFIDENCE to promote myself and the CONFIDENCE to make a choice: push for the I’ll-probably-get-it 1 year contract, or wait and hope for a possible but I-likely-won’t-get-it part time permanent position (less immediate income, but more long term security).

Yep, confidence.

If my last post is any clear indication, things are looking up! Not that I will get a job necessarily, but it’s a good sign that my problem-solving brain is re-emerging, and THAT is something that will help me start feeling like me again, rather than feeling defeated/ incompetent/ overwhelmed/ lost, as I have been.

3 priorities re: kicking depression.
1) Progress in career (which will lead to #2)
2) Clearing debt (student loan)
3) Progress in relationship

No.2 is underway, feeling moderately good about it.

No.1 barely begun, and hard to predict but there are a few more steps I can be making in the next little while.

No.3 is the one I have really been procrastinating on. To the point of self-sabotage. _Sigh

I mean, overall happy. With a good group of people around, doing fun & random things often. (Not just the occasional island of fun, surrounded y a sea of blah-ness.)

This year has been very lonely. Before that I was at UBC, which was stressful, busy, I was broke, and the future was looking bleak. Before that I was in Japan for 3 years, which was extremely alienating, to the point of damaging my soul. Aaaand before Japan, it was 2004 – my last year of my undergrad. That was a fun year, actually. Had awesome roommates, went out a lot. Ahhh, that’s what life should be like. And the year before, 2002-2003 in Vietnam, that was really fun too.

Damn, the fun stuff was 7-8 years ago. That’s actually really really sad! No wonder I’m depressed.

I can tell it’s Spring, cause I keep getting grinned at, waved at and hit on by men. Where the heck do they all come from?

;-)

(who I spend a lot of time with, since he’s not working due to a broken foot, and I only work on-call) is trying to inspire me to do stuff.

I think so far we have come up with the idea that I need to commit to something, and that will at least give me a sense of direction – a jumping-off point for doing other things.

However, I can’t just commit to some random thing. I have to find something significant enough to sustain my interest. I’m beginning to think about art projects I could do. I also have the idea of foster parenting in the back of my mind, but that’s a HUUUUUGE commitment, and I think I need to start out slower than that.

Also, one of the major issues I’ve been having related to depression, is that I don’t have enough control over my situation (work) at present, and that ups my general stress level.

which gets a bit expensive, considering I often feed my 2 roommates.

On the other hand, cooking is the only creative thing I’ve been doing lately, and it’s nice to be able to make a whole batch of cookies but not have to eat all 24 of them myself!!

I’m able to see a few potential bright spots on the horizon, am considering a couple of other new priorities as well. One conflicts a little with other priorities (repay student loans) because it will require a moderate amount of money, but I think it will be like a mini-reward.

And I’m less inclined (but still do it somewhat) to interpret comments (that are probably neutral or even positive) in a negative way.

Still more work to do, but it’s progress I hope.

and no mental energy to deal with the mindf*ck that is my increasingly non-existent relationship, I have decided that I need to focus on health.

Essentially when I get depressed, I get trapped in a spiral of thinking too much and doing very little. My thought processes are not creative or useful at these times, they are just negative and confusing. So – think less, do more!

Hence my new overarching goal: take my health more seriously