become stronger in body and mind

I only managed about 5 minutes.

And that was after spending 15 minutes avoiding, finding other things to do, distracting myself, etc.

Definitely need to practice more.

my mind.

Feels good.

I was going to write that ‘I am finally emerging from the fog that my mind has been in for soooo long now’, but I’m not sure if I am emerging or just poking my head through to have a quick look around – before darting back down into the fog.

I have decided to apply for jobs in other places, as many other places as it takes. Since making this decision mid-week, I have taken a few positive steps: I did apply for one full time job here (temp), and I decided NOT to apply for a part time one, even though I really like the workplace and colleagues. And I feel guilty about not applying for the part time one, I really do. BUT I have decided not to apply for it, and I have multiple reasons for that decision.

The first one is that it doesn’t fit with my priorities. If it were even 2 months earlier, I would have applied for it, mistakenly thinking that it would be a step in the right direction. But I have learned a few things about how the world works since then, and though I am really disappointed by what i learned, it does make the pieces of the puzzle fit together much better.

I learned that there is no loyalty here. I can show loyalty if I like and it might be generally appreciated, but it will not be rewarded. Therefore I should only do things for this employer that will benefit me in one of the following ways: financially, socially (living in a preferred town where my friends are), and/or building my resume so I can shift my career in a direction I want to go.

Second reason: In the place where I am now (and have been for a year), I don’t have a life. Several acquaintances, but no friends. No one to go do stuff with, except a roommate who I actually need more space away from… Two “ex-whatever” guys who I’m better off without, but that I keep running into. And it’s a really gossipy place, which makes me feel even more inclined to just stay home. This is not good for me. It’s a beautiful town, but it’s not for me.

And the other town, where I’d prefer to live, is a gloomy, ugly town 100km away, but I have no creepy exes there, and lots of supportive friendly people that I used to know in high school, along with a couple mentors and some new people. It’s probably gossipy too, but at least there are some people around whom I feel comfortable, like I can just relax and be ‘me’.

Third reason: I would make less money than I currently do, and the benefits for my resume are only mediocre. I’d rather be somewhere else, working and making progress either in my personal life, on repaying my debts and moving forward in my career.

Also applying for jobs in the far North! Brrrr… Winter adventure :-)

SO glad I am not stuck in this inertia anymore, because that SUCKED.

All I really need to do is ask certain people for references. Then I will be ready to apply for other jobs.

But I am reluctant to ask. WTF is wrong with me…

1 week later: I did it, asked for the references. So relieved to have that done!

13. Do You Think You’re Strong?

I would be really curious to know the answer to this one. I love strong people. They have this power to change their life and to create incredible things. What “strong” means to you? It’s a question of force? Or endurance? Of speed? Or intelligence?

It reminded me of this goal. And also twigged something I have been pondering over, mostly subconsciously, for the last few weeks.

A lot of people perceive me as a strong person. Sometimes I get the sense that people are intimidated by me, but I have no idea what that’s about. (It’s not everyone all the time, just sometimes, with some people.)

I don’t look to lead, in fact I generally prefer not to, unless absolutely no-one else will step up and something is getting urgent. I’m not interested in bossing people around, but I have opinions (you don’t need to share my opinions though). But I also do not crave approval. I’m fairly aloof sometimes. Not easily influenced (unless it’s something that doesn’t matter to me, then yeah, whatever!)

I don’t know if any of this equates to strength though. Independence, maybe. Not strength in the way the guy was describing it above.

I think if the power to change one’s life was an indication of strength then, no I guess my strength has been seriously diminished in the past couple years. Compared to strength I have had in the past.

But I have exhibited a new kind of courage this past year. I’m working on some internal changes, but it’s slow going.

- and actually enjoyed it. (Would have enjoyed it more if I hadn’t been wearing jeans and I’d had my ipod.)

So maybe when I get paid I will sign up for a gym membership.

I helped my friend out today by being her yoga student for a teaching evaluation she was getting. In the feedback, the supervisor told my friend “you have to modify differently, she is uber-flexible, but weak” (meaning me).

I thought that was amusing, but true. Especially my arms – strong as cooked spaghetti!

I also learned that I am nearly double-jointed, so I have to learn not to lock my elbows or knees. I hadn’t realized I do that, so I will have to become more aware of it.

It was actually an interesting process. My yoga positions were being ‘criticised’ by two people, but I got some useful feedback out of it. There were a couple other things I became aware of too.

I already knew I was ‘weak’ though, ha ha!