May Bootcamp 2011: spring into action

Its been very bad lately.

—Yesterday, went to bank, walked for the first time in a couple of days because I’ve just been dizzy and needing to lay down all week, mailed beading out. Did some laundry.
—Looked some more at this strange guy’s video’s. I can’t get paid $30 for this (covers what, movie ticket and travel?), its not worth it if I bring myself to do this. for a nanosecond I thought, Oh this could be funny, I could be this cute, fat Elvira making rye comments about Ryan Reynolds green lantern. Just thought the guy was pushy; bitching about New Jersey girls trying to haggle him for more money, and creepy with hesitating sending me his youtube channel (even though I asked in email, voicemail and a billion times while talking to him… if HE’S serious, fucking send your geekfest), and saying he’ll leave me alone for a minute to have a look. (He didn’t know where the hell I was to even get online to look at his videos). Yeah, I’m like the NJ girls, I want more money too.
—While walking, I came across an odd flyer on a pole offering cash for diabetic test strips with a 908 area code. Turns out its for a consignment company that sells stuff on Ebay. To post flyers for test strips and lancets only demonstrates how desparate things are getting around here. Cash4Gold was bad enough (didn’t do that either).

—Today so far, paid bills and called social security. Also called DOT about our street lamp being yanked out of its base for no apparent reason.

“Wisdom consists not so much in knowing what to do in the ultimate as knowing what to do next.”
- Herbert Hoover

My head still doesn’t feel right. Gonna see what I can declutter and crap today. I’ll make a list.

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
- Confucius

—Two years ago my cousin said, you can get a job as a cashier! So I’ve looked for one, haven’t gotten one. Now she says she won’t help me unless I reapply for SSI again. Now she says you can’t get a job because you’re too sick, and you’re fainting today is an example of that. I told her I believe my being on SSI for so many years has been a detriment to my job search as well. She says she doesn’t know about that. (Gee, all she has to do is ask a person in HR… If you do a search and see that a person has literally been off the map for 20 years are you going to call them in for an interview? Not likely.)

—Yes I fainted on the subway this morning in Astoria. Went to visit someone I hadn’t seen in about four years and who suggested I apply to the company he works at (which I did, and it turns likely I won’t be called for an interview there either).
I haven’t been on the subway for two years because I’ve feared this very thing would happen while I’m alone commuting, so I take a bus or cab to go around the city. But I have to find a way to live, to exist, otherwise what the fuck am I doing? So on the subway I went. Got to Queens okay, was even very early (tried calculating all my stopping and resting time, train runs, etc). Either from walking around too much or something, I felt myself blacking out at his apartment and sat awhile. Pushed myself as we went to the station (because I’m not going to stay forever) looked pale and unfocused as the train came, asked a woman if I could have her seat and promptly passed out. Came to, drank some water which helped a bit but lost it again. Had my arm wrapped around this arm rail thing in case I pitched forward and fell out of my seat. Explained to L this is why no one wants to bother with me because I’m no fun, and he said that wasn’t true. (People are not beating down my door for anything). Took a cab from Union Square home. Been in bed all day since then, and my head still feels whoozy. The last time I was in the subway I was with M, healthier, and nothing happened.
Not going to an ER becasue I still owe money from 2009 the last time I was in an ER for fainting and had to get juiced up with fluids, magnesium and potassium, and my iron had drop considreably. (That day I had spent all day in a clinic having tests run and went to Gilda’s that night).

—I am not going to stop looking for a job. Just because I’m sick shouldn’t bar me from making whatever money I want to fucking make and having a life.

“Wherever you go, go with all your heart.”
- Confucius

—Nothing. Another week and still nothing. I almost don’t see what the point is of doing this anymore. Sending resumes by email or applying on websites just seems like its too easy to ignore. I. HATE. THIS. Filled out the application for the construction company too.

—I feel completely defeated. So disgusted with everything, I started decluttering again tonight. Better than sitting and crying all night.

“The soul must pick work too or we learn later how much we hate our work, causing us to lead lives of quiet desperation.”
- Henry David Thoreau

—So far a.m.: Have sent two responses from BackPage ads (should I chronicle this here? its like….GAAAAH!). One is photographing 3-hour tour people at Chelsea Piers, the other, audio sales at the Met. Someone had suggested the construction company they work at, which will be an hour and a half online application process (which, right now, with no sleep, my head is not there to function, and I’m wigging out because I’m completely wiped out). I really needed a full time job a month or two ago, if not way further back in time!!!!

—One of the red-tail eggs hatched in Washinton Square Park, seems to be around 8:30-9am http://www.livestream.com/nytnestcam

—Applied for another house cleaning service.

—Spent the last couple of days banging around my resume, again, and Todd helped a lot! Thanks for giving it the ones over and sending notes, Todd. Still keeping a one long (though not as long as before), and one regular size.
—Still combing BackPage for ads which are getting fewer, and Time Out NY for websites in their ads and blurbs. A friend on facebook suggested trying his company.
—Things are just really dire, and am completely freaking out.

—Legs felt great Monday for walk and stairs, today, not so much. Starting to feel heavy and stiff again.

—b/s 140 with food and pasta! Found out Friday my last blood test at the doc’s office had gone from 8.2 to 7.1. He’d like it below 7.

—Called Dino Hill; GT for another appointment.

—Gilda’s was frustrating Monday. Timeframe ending there in June for three of us, what?