Stop feeling so lonely.

I opened my eyes and my heart and I have found what I didn’t think I was allowed to have. I never feel lonely anymore. It’s a great relief

I have actually done really well with this for a while now. I still have moments but they are nothing like they where after losing my brother. I guess acceptance is just taking time. But I fell as if I continue as I am I will be comftorable marking this as done sooner than later! YAY!

If you quit hoping that you’d
find someone else who’d get you
and now you don’t give a fuck
you’re in luck
you’re in luck
You’re pretty head is hurting
The bank machine’s not working
Or if the traffic is stuck
you’re in luck
you’re in luck

I know the way to your heart
To your heart
You’re in luck
I know the way to your heart
You’re in luck
You’re in luck

You hold the world and drop it
Got holes in all your pockets
You’ve got a half-empty cup
You’re in luck
You’re in luck
My mouth is full of wishes
My arms are long and selfish
If you don’t want to hang up
You’re in luck
You’re in luck

I know the way to your heart
To your heart
You’re in luck
I know the way to your heart
You’re in luck
You’re in luck

You’re in luck…

I just don’t feel that I am getting anywhere with this.

It’s so hard to not feel alone when in the past month 2 of your friends have became engaged and you still have no one! Seriously! How can be happy for them when I know my loneliness will come thru in my voice when I am talking to them about their great news. And how the hell do you even find someone. I am facing another birthday alone. I am just so tired of it being me.

Wow ok so last night I was feeling pretty alone. I let my mind just take over. It all started when for some reason I started thinking about flowers. I have no clue what got me thinking about flowers. And then I just started feeling really alone. For some reason my mind would just not stop. Before I knew it I was laying in bed crying. I just wanted someone to wrap their arms around me and make it go away. But there was no one there. And that thought just kept me going. I had been doing so well for a few weeks now and then last night happened. I cried until I fell asleep. I hate those nights.

I have been really good with this lately. I am not sure why exactally. I do know I have told myself once or twice to stop it and not to even let my mind go there. And well, thats worked. I’m not feeling as lonely and I’m getting there.

So I know that I will spend another holiday dateless. No one to sneak a kiss under the miseltoe with. No one to ring in the new year with. And my birthday is in February on the crapiest day of the year for singles. Yes I celebrate my birthday on Feb. 14, St. Valientines Day. I suppose there is time in the next 2 months for a ossible date this year. But I am not holding my breath. It would be nice to have someone special in my life and not just on holidays and birthdays. I just think I see my desire for a relations is even stronger around the times. I am so busy that a lot of the time I do not think of being single. I guess for the most part I am just use to it. I really only begin to think and get bothered by the fact when I have free time on my hands. Maybe that is why I stay so busy as a side distraction. I would not even know how to really meet someone. For me work is out of the question. With my full time job I am the only one in the entire building that is not married. My secon job is in retail I work only with other females. While we do get male shoppers they are usually in there buying for a specail other (it’s a card store). There have been one or two nice looking kind gentleman come in and need help buying a card for their mom or finding a gift for a sister. This one a few weeks ago well I tried to smile a lil extra look him in the eyes. But I am not even sure he noticed that I just might be flirting with him. I don’t have a lot of time for groups, classes, and even in volunteering at my sons school and with his sports the opportunity has yet to arise. I pass a gentleman in the store and half smile back because I think there is no way they are smiling at me. I guess I need a better lesson in flirting and picking up on flirting. Maybe if I was better at that I would not be standing under the misletoe alone.

So last night the lonely feeling set it again. I sat on the couch to watch a lil tv and the all of the sudden I just felt like I was in this giant box alone. I had no one to watch TV with. No one to call and talk to. No one to compliment my new haircut. I just felt empty for a long time thinking about this. Somedays I do not even think about the fact that I really have no close or special in my life. Then other days I think of all of the things I do alone and it really weighs on me. I am in my late 20’s I know people say that I have so much life ahead of me. But you see my father passed away young at 45 and my brother passed away at 38. So who is to say that anyone has a whole lot of life infront of them. I would just like to be able to spend time with someone. To eat junk food on the couch with. To fight for bed space. To cook dinner for. To even fight with. So last night when I felt that way I just got up and started cleaning again. A distraction to not think about it.

This saddens me and comforts me all in the same. When I started this goal its was just me. But no longer I have four others that feel this way. Which is really sad cause I know how really hard this feeling is and how deep it truly goes. But comfots me that four others understand.