Create the life I want to live

and I’ve spent a lot of time lately thinking about this year and plans for next year. So much has happened this year and I realise that my life is more or less exactly as I want it to be right now. Some things are still not there – like I really want kids – but they’re within my reach and right now I’m very happy with the way things are.

I absolutely love my job. It’s weird to call it my job, but that’s what it is. My working hours are odd and it’s physically demanding but that doesn’t bother me. I wouldn’t take a 9 to 5 office job if it paid millions. I don’t miss it one bit and I feel very lucky that I’ve found a way out – even though I wasn’t really even looking for one!

I love motivating and inspiring people and seeing them change their lifestyles, grow in confidence and just enjoy themselves. I never realised I could have such a positive impact on people’s lives or that it would be so simple! I feel really confident about myself and I feel I really have a gift for it. I mean, to already have a long waiting list, I must be doing something right! I think it’s very true what they say, that to be successful, you need to do what you love.
In the new year, I’m going to put my private rates up so I’ll be making ok money as well, though that’s not my priority at all, it’s just a bonus for which I’m very grateful!

I’m trying to not plan too much or set too many goals or targets, I just want to go with the flow as it seems to be working. However, I realise there’s so many things I could do. I didn’t realise in the beginning that by doing what I do, I’d actually be really helping people and making a difference in people’s lives, but that’s what I do and in the future I’d like to do more of that and maybe focus on specific groups. For example, I have some morbidly obese clients and I’d like to work more with people like that. I’ve also been asked to consider working with teenagers and I think that might be interesting as the physical ed here is very poor and favours those who are really good at a sport. I might volunteer with some troubled kids, might be interesting to do some research on the positive impact of exercise.
I also want to study exercise therapy and I’m also thinking of finding a way to work with one of the depression charities… basically, there are so many things I can do, I shouldn’t ever get bored!

So, that’s more or less my life now… it’s great! Oh, and I’m going to be featured in a magazine and have a photoshoot next week! That is very scary as I hate being photographed and cannot look at photos of myself (mind you, I’ve become a bit better lately) but it’ll be great, at least I’m facing a fear… ;-)

I feel that so much has changed in the 4 weeks since I last wrote an update here. It’s all good stuff and I feel I’m making major progress on this goal.

• I’m so busy with my running courses. I’m working every evening and I now have couple of private clients as well so I only have 1 day off a week. That said, I only work on hour or two a day – love it! (+ admin, marketing etc, but that I can do from my bed if I want to :))
• I’m starting my 6th beginners’ course soon and most of my clients come through word of mouth now so it’s very good. I’ve just started advertising the 6th course and am a bit nervous about finding enough people, but then I try to remind myself that it’s always slow in the beginning but just before the course starts, I always have to turn people away, so fingers crossed that’ll happen again.
• I need to find a room to rent, stressful! Have probably found something but they want insurance details – I don’t have an insurance, so need to sort that out….
• I’m still not planning things too much, just letting them happen and enjoying the ride. However, renting a room is going to cost money, so I do need to get a bit more serious. It’s scary!
• I’ve started my Personal Trainer course and am hoping to qualify by January.
• Need to do a first aid course
• I’m doing lots of yoga classes and workshops with different teachers to get ideas for my classes and learn as well as to try to keep my body supple as all the running is taking it’s toll on my body – tight hips etc.
• I have made the spare room into an office. Love it. I bought a stripy rug yesterday and really want to get a paper basket and an in-tray.

• my schedule is crazy, a bit anti-social at the moment but I do spend a lot of time with people and I still try to run with ‘my girls’ once a week just for fun and a chat
• Also had lunch with some new friends a couple of time
• not spending lots of time with hubby and when we do spend time together, it’s often a bit stressful because of his work and my schedule etc. Need to look into going on a holiday in December.

• I feel better these days.
• I’ve had acupuncture now for my PMT and my mood swings are gone (so is my acne, hallelujah!)
• Also focusing on my diet, avoiding sugar etc
• I’m feeling more confident though part of me feels really insecure and scared and I still don’t really believe that people come to my classes because they enjoy them or learn something from them, which I know is stupid!

• Acupuncture has really helped me with lots of things. My system is more balanced, so that’s great
• As I wrote elsewhere, I need to go to the doctor about my thyroid and my weight gain etc and I really should’ve gone ages ago.
• I’m desperate to get pregnant but considering my thyroid at the moment, I doubt it’ll be possible for few months. My acupuncturist says my body is nearly ready for it, so who knows. I’m going to see her again in 2 weeks about it.

last time I wrote on update here was in May! Time flies! The good news is that I have made a lot of progress on this goal without really even trying, things have just happened.

• i decided to stop even thinking about getting a job. I have absolutely no interest in going back to an office job at the moment, so why try? (errr, maybe the money…. but I don’t think even that’s necessary anymore)
• my running club/beginners course has been a success and I’m enjoying it. It’s all happened very suddenly and I’m not sure what’s going on or what I’m doing, but it’s good and I think the future looks good. I think I have a very unique set of skills/knowledge and I feel good, for the first time in my life I actually feel really comfortable and confident about what I’m doing.
• I’m learning SO much. I’m doing lots of different yoga workshops to get ideas for my classes, reading lots of books around the subject. At the moment, for example, I’m reading about alexander technique, which is very interesting. I’m going to start my personal trainer course soon, too and have to do a first aid course asap!
• I’m not sure what’s going to happen when it starts getting cold and dark and parks close early… I’m working on that at the moment. There are few other big questions marks too, but it’s all good.
• I need to remember that it’s still early days and I can make mistakes and don’t need to be perfect. I also don’t need to make tonnes of money, so it’s ok to take it easy.
• I need to start a work related goal, I think, to get things done

• I’ve made several new friends through running and I’m also spending more time catching up with old friends
• I feel good about cutting some toxic people out of my life

• after 5 therapy sessions, I feel so much better! I really feel I’ve matured a lot, become more confident and more understanding of my feelings. I’m kinder to myself and put myself first. I’m more assertive as well. I don’t have to go back to therapy for a while and I feel quite happy, though I still have a lot of work to do.
• I’m relieved to have found out that my mad anger is caused by PMT. I’m not going psycho! I’m going to try some nutritional therapy and acupuncture for that
• obviously, things going well work-wise, is a huge confidence boost and makes me feel better about myself. Also, earning my own money is great. I feel so much better about myself. I loved being able to pay for my own laptop last week, for example. Definitely helps with my moods and confidence!

• I’m getting lots of exercise (obviously!). It’s taken me a while to get used to my new schedule and I’ve felt tired so I’ve tried to get lots of rest and not push myself to run more or do more when I feel tired.
• I need to do more yoga!! and also do my core exercises. Might buy a fitness ball to add some variety to my routine
• I’m really enjoying my new saturday yoga class, it’s a tough class, lots of handstanding and other hard stuff, but it’s fun and the people are nice
• My shoulders are really tight, need to work on those!
• I’ve struggled with my diet a bit. PMT and depression made me crave sugar, so I’ve been eating really badly at times. I feel unwell because of it, actually. Will start a little detox tomorrow and get back on track.
• I really want to get pregnant asap. Last night I had a dream that I had twins, they were the most perfect babies in the world. Ahhh… I was so sad when I woke up and realised it’s not true. I hope the acupuncture will help….

The bad thing is that at the moment, I can’t really take time out to go on holidays or even away for a weekend! However, I don’t mind that too much right now. There are some bad things going on, hubby’s job is v stressful and busy at the moment, which puts of strain on things and few other things on the background that I really can’t influence, so I try not to worry about them. Things are 2 million times better than they were a year ago, so I’m determined not to let things get me down or stressed.

It’s MAY already??? I’ve been really unfocused lately, haven’t given my goals much thought nor have I spent much time on 43T. I guess I just needed a little break. I guess I had a tough time while I was stuck indoors recovering from sciatica and I’m still not 100% back to normal and struggle with motivation. Nevertheless, things have been happening and I kind of feel that finally my life has some direction. So, positive developments in the last 2 months:

• We moved to our new place and I love it. Love the flat and love the neighbourhood. I’m so relieved. I thought I’d need to do a lot of decorating to make the new place feel like a home, but actually, not much needs to be done, it’s very cosy as it is, so that’s a relief. I think I’ll buy a few cushions and that’s it.

• What’s even more exciting is that my running club is going really well. I (quite reluctantly) started with a friend, then soon few other people joined us and now I’ve developed a beginners course and have twelve new people starting next week. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK! That wasn’t supposed to happen. I was just looking for few people to test the programme with (which I’m still working on, tbh) and loads of people came forward and I didn’t want to say no to anyone. If it goes well, I’ll start charging for it and I’m hoping all my current members will help me find new members. I’m nervous but also excited. I’m currently also working on some sort of a little business plan and looking into insurances, tax and other issues. Most importantly, I think I’ve finally figured out which personal trainer course to do. I’m going to do the ISSA one online because it’s meant to be very good and recognised internationally, which is great because it works out much cheaper than local courses. I would’ve preferred to go to a class but if I can get a better qualification for 25% of the price online, then why not?
  So it’s all very exciting and a little bit scary.

• I’ve tried really hard to work on being happy, but it’s such a struggle. I’m reading a great book at the moment, Dr Burns 10 days to great self esteem, which is really helping me but also makes me realise that I have so much work to do… I’ve wanted to write about this in my ‘mental health’ goal because this book is really good and I want to remember the tools and tricks I’m learning. I’ve read many books and this is the first one that’s making a real difference. Anyway, more on that later.

• I’m exercising again, thought my leg is still not back to normal so I’m not doing much apart from the running club, but at least I’m doing something. I need to get back to yoga next week.

• We’re also starting to make long term plans and have had long discussions about where we’d like to be in few years’ time, what’s important to us and how we define good quality of life. It’s exciting and I cannot wait to see what happens, though I’m starting to feel quite settled here now and wouldn’t want to leave right now. We’ve agreed that we’ll review the situation in a year’s time, if we still think the plan is good, then we’ll start looking into how to make it happen. Shouldn’t be difficult, anyway. Wooohoooo! Would it be totally bad luck to reveal the plan now? Or a dream, it’s really only a dream at the moment.

I’m definitely well on my way to creating the life I want to live, I can totally see it happening. Then there’s the baby plan as well… Next year this time things should be pretty good. And in 5 years’ time, if the dream comes true, OMG, my life would be the most awesome life ever!

I’m now starting to be as certain as I can ever be that I want to try doing personal training. At least I want it enough to do the training course to begin with. I’m even starting to work with my first kind of client soon. OK, it’s not really proper work, just a little running with someone who wants to start running, but it’ll be good for me.
So I need to decide when to start the course, in April, July or October. This depends on some other plans which are sort of part of this goal.

Next, I want to think about my living environment. We’re both kind of in an agreement that we’d like to move somewhere with a bit nicer climate and we’ve made a list of things that are important to us, but this all will depend on husband’s job so we can’t just jump on a plane tomorrow and our choices are fairly limited, too. This is something that will take quite a few years, but hopefully, one day it’ll happen.
Also, should start thinking about babies, but right now I just feel too overwhelmed by everything and the whole thing just seems so out of reach. I’m starting to worry that soon I’ll find myself not wanting any kids. Then what will I do? I’m not going to worry about this for another couple of months, at least.

• start going to yoga – this is hugely important to me. It is worth getting up at 6am and going out to the freezing cold. Start on Sunday!
• move – this will happen in March. I can’t wait! Fingers crossed that the flat we want is available!
• Make my home a peaceful sanctuary – after we’ve moved!
• make an effort to go out more – had a great day out with a friend on sunday. really need to do this more!
• Continue exercising
• Start studying – find books on exercise, diet, anatomy etc relevant to pt course
• Cooking – I’m enjoying my new cooking challenge, trying new recipes and I also try to learn more about different ingredients and their nutritional benefits as I go along.
• Explore – try to find new places to go to, go on photo walks, take a train somewhere. Will be going to Rome soon, so that’ll be four days of non-stop exploring. can’t wait!
• Work on my general happiness – work on finding a balance and avoiding depression. This is very hard but very important. I need to invest more time on this.

This is a key goal this year and the key to this goal is my career. I feel like my life is on hold until I get my career going again.
I’m going to carry on with the plan I made before xmas and see where that takes me. The gym job I applied for had already gone, so on Monday I’m going to start emailing gyms and looking at job sites again.

Another thing I want to do in 2009 is to go out and do more things. I’m not sure if I should do that under this goal or create a new goal. And I’m not sure if I should start that immediately or a bit later. I don’t want to have too many goals and try to do too many new things at once because I really want to focus on what’s important first. So maybe I should wait a while before I take on any more goals.

I’ve spent some time today doing a great exercise that the fabulous Absnasm emailed me. Working through it has made me quite convinced that this is what I want to do. At least, it’s the direction I want to take, I want to do something healthy and I want to inspire other people to be healthy. A friend said to me that it wouldn’t be just a career change, it would be a complete lifestyle change, which is a great point and when I think about it like that, the choice is easy.
The first thing I’ve done, is apply for a job at a gym. It’s just a reception and admin job (the pay is half of what I was originally looking for, lol, but that doesn’t bother me right now – it’s still than the 0 euro I’m earning at the moment!). The gym looks fabulous and they do lots of yoga etc too, and less of iron pumping, which suits me! I took it as a good sign that I immediately found an ad for a great sounding job. I was a bit nervous about sending my application, but once I’d done it, it felt right and I’m pretty excited about it. Fingers crossed they’ll call me soon – if they don’t, I’m going to be VERY disappointed.
Next thing I’m going to do is email some other gyms. I’d be happy with even just a part time job to begin with. I’m also going to email the personal trainer course organisers to find out what the start dates are in 2009.
I can still change my mind, but I guess the only way to really find out if this is the right thing to do, is to go for it. I can turn the job down, if they offer it to me, or I can just take it to have something do for a while. Besides, gyms need business people too, so I’d still be able to keep all my options open for a little while.
I’m excited!

in the post today, telling me that my recent application for a super job has not been successful but they’d like to wish me every success in my career._{what career? lol} I really thought I had the perfect CV for that job and my letter was so good. It would’ve been a great job, but, to be honest, I’m not really bothered. I’m starting to think that I’m just not meant to get the jobs I apply for. Seriously. When I think back over the last seven months, everything that can go wrong, has gone wrong. It’s unreal and I don’t even tell people about it anymore because I just sound like a broken record. I’m not going to mention the interview yesterday to anyone _{apart from you, people :)}, and the fact that the interviewer didn’t even know what some questions meant (like ‘how do you treat clients?’) because people probably think that I’m just looking for excuses and someone to blame (maybe partly it is that? though I do try to take responsibility for the things I can.)
So, I’m starting to be more and more convinced that I’m just not meant to get a normal 9 to 5 office job. Though part of me thinks, am I just giving up too easily? Too many bloody questions! Part of the problem is that I have too much time to think. Yet, my thinking gets me nowhere, I feel like I’m missing something. Something very obvious… but what is it?

OK, so the thing I’m thinking of doing _{now i feel kind of awkward writing this. shouldn’t have kept it a secret!} is training as a personal trainer and then perhaps as a nutritionist after that – i’d have loads of options for different routes to take. I could even train as a yoga teacher or learn massage (both of these, I could do in chiang mai, clever or what?). I think I’d like to specialise in weight loss rather than training athletes or anything like that. I thought of doing personal training when I was about 22 or so and I’ve thought of studying nutrition before, but then decided I don’t know if I’d want to be a nutritionist, if that makes sense, at least not full time. I could start by working at a gym, but ultimately I’d want to work freelance. I could even get a part time office job. I don’t know… Abs has kindly emailed me a decision making tool, which I look forward to using. Hopefully it’ll help me make up my mind.

EDIT: obviously, the first thing I’d need to do is to get really fit myself! that would actually be a big bonus. it would be great to be in a job that motivated you to stay in shape and eat well….

• I could choose how much I want to work (which would be nice if/when we have kids)
• No office politics and gossip
• No meetings about meetings and all that other crap
• I could make my own decisions
• Lots of variety as I’d get to/have to do everything myself
• How my career develops would be up to me
• I’d have lots of career choices
• It wouldn’t be 9 to 5
• No need to dress up every day
• I’d (possibly) have more time for myself
• My life style would be much healthier
• I think I’d mostly get to work with happy people
• I could do things I enjoy and study things i’m interested in

• I’m really worried that I’d miss the social side of working in an office, esp since I haven’t built a social circle here yet.
• No benefits
• All the tax, having to sort out your own pension etc stuff, don’t really know how that works etc
• I really worry that I wouldn’t have the confidence to push myself and that I’d give up the minute things get tough (which would be immediately as I think it would take quite a while to get things started)
• Fear of failing/being crap
• No guaranteed income
• possibly not earning as much as i’d like to
• Possibly having to work anti-social hours
• The work could possibly be very tiring

Anything to add, anyone? I’d really appreciate hearing other people’s opinions on this.

I was going to say that I’d feel isolated and lonely, but considering how isolated and alone I’ve been for the last seven months, I think that wouldn’t be a problem. I think if I was working for myself, I’d make more of an effort to find friends outside work, which is not a bad thing at all. Also, I’d have to do some courses which would mean I’d meet like-minded people that way.
Looking at my concerns, I think I could easily talk myself into working for myself. I certainly wouldn’t want to let my fears stop me. The other decision I need to make is whether or not what I’m considering doing is the right thing. At the moment, I don’t feel ready to do it as a job, however, I wouldn’t need to start doing the job tomorrow, so I’d have plenty of time to prepare and learn. I’m going to take my time thinking about it. I’m in no rush and accept that it might take me a long time to really figure out what I want to do and, almost as importantly, figure out if what I want to do is realistic.

_{I don’t know why I don’t want to reveal what I’m considering. I was going to, but then decided no, I rather think about it alone for a while. I guess I don’t want people to talk me into it (or out of it) or maybe I don’t want people to say ‘you? do that? are you mad? I’ll reveal it soon enough.}