Look after my mental wellbeing

I finally found a therapist I really like. I’ve only seen her once, but she was great, made me feel really at ease. I told her about my terrible experience which put me off finding a therapist until now and she was very understanding and promised that we’d only focus on the things I want to focus on now, which is great.
She made some very good observations about me. She reckons one of my problems is that I’m very empathetic, which is not a bad thing, but I’m a bit too sensitive to other people’s negative emotions, their pain, sadness, anger… I don’t just sense other people’s anger or pain, I actually feel it inside me, very strongly and it’s stressful and exhausting. I find the western society stressful because there’s so much negativity and hatred and it’s a very heartless society we live in. I hate the tabloid culture, it’s sad. No one cares about other people’s feelings. I didn’t even realise how much it all is getting to me, until I spoke to the therapist. I’m exhausted from it.

My home work for this week was to avoid things that make me stressed, avoid people with negative energy, don’t even look at the covers of tabloids and gossip magazines with their horrible headlines, avoid the news, avoid gossip…. I need to give space for myself to feel my own feelings and live my own life and then, when I feel stronger and learn a few coping mechanisms I can face the world again.
I’ve been doing ok’ish with this one. I need to stop reading stuff online, though. I still read or see something every day that makes me think ‘I can’t believe people’ and that shouldn’t happen.
My other homework was to breathe in and out five times when I feel like I’m getting angry or upset or any other extreme emotions coming on. I’ve done ok with this one. I can’t expect to be perfect from day 1, but I’ve tried very hard and at least it’s made me more aware of my moodswings.

I have my next session on Thursday, so will work really hard tomorrow, switch of the tv, radio and the internet and not stop to look at magazine or newspaper covers in the shop and also ignore gossipy emails and messages. I reckon, if I can learn to cope with my environment better, my moodswings will go.

She thinks I have some complex issues to work through, some classic PTSD symptoms, so I think it’s going to be hard work but I look forward to finding my way through it. I feel strong enough to do it now.

I’ve kind of given up on finding a therapist for now. My last experience was quite traumatising and I just don’t have the energy to go and explain everything to yet another person…. After the move, I feel quite a bit better, though the big underlying issues are still there, waiting to be dealt with. It’s also been very spring-y, warm and sunny, which really cheers me up. There’s nothing like sunshine, is there!
I’ve started reading a book called 10 Days to Great Self-esteem, which I’ve so far found great. It’s full of exercises so takes a lot of work (and the writer insists that you actually do the exercises on paper, rather than just in your head, so even I am making an effort to write everything down). I’ve only done days 1 and 2, but it’s already helped me realise how distorted my thinking can be and how, if I change the way I think I can change the way I feel. I’m enjoying it so much that I actually look forward to completing the daily mood log, which should make me more aware of my thinking and reaction to events. I also like the Dr Burns depression and anxiety invetories and the fact that my results seem to vary quite a bit daily – Sunday I was severely depressed and had severe anxiety, whereas today I’m just mild on both. Even my relationship inventory score has gone from very dissatisfied to satisfied :). Helps me see that all feelings pass and things always improve. Also, on Sunday I did no exercise whereas today I’ve done a good yoga session, an hour long brisk walk in the sun and some core training – that might have a lot to do with it. Not to mention, on Sunday I had a bagel for breakfast and didn’t eat that well all day, whereas today I’ve just had juice and smoothies. I’m sure all that makes a difference, too!

EDIT: Also, need to remind myself of this this week.

I feel much better now than I did last week and last month, though I still no that I have issues I need to solve. However, I don’t feel so desperate right now and I feel I have enough energy to work on things on my own again. I still think I’d benefit from therapy, but right now, after the last experience, I feel like taking a week or two off from trying to find someone.
I just read my initial plan for this goal and was reminded of all the things that help me feel better and I want to start focusing on them again. The key things I want to focus on are:

• diet – stop eating sugar again. it’s not difficult and it makes me feel so much better. Also, stop drinking coffee or at least cut down significantly.
• exercise – well, once my leg heals, but this is very important! Fresh air is important, too.
• Routine – establish a good routine and stick to it
• Socialising/spending time with people
• talking about it – I’m learning to open up about stuff and explain better how I feel but I still need to learn to open up a bit more.
• work on learning coping strategies, relaxing and letting go

I went to the new therapist. Not good. I’m so disappointed. Lots of things were wrong.
For starters, she answered her mobile phone THREE times during the session and explained it was her husband, calling about their cheltenham bets! She also told me an awful lot about herself and her family and I was thinking, I’m not interested, I’m not paying you cash out of my own pocket to hear about your family!
I felt that she made a lot of assumptions about me, great generalisations. She didn’t really find out all the facts and as soon as I gave her one thing, she seemed to think that that is the only issue and started working on that, rather than finding if there perhaps is something more (if this makes any sense). So at first, I felt we were focusing on a very minor issue. I felt that she just was so keen to start giving me exercises and suggestions what to do, that she didn’t really take her time to find out the whole picture.
It was pretty full on because she immediately, after about a 10-15min chat, started suggesting things I could do to solve some big underlying issues. I mean, she was really pushing me to face some of my fears head on and I felt uncomfortable moving so quickly. It’s very heavy stuff and I think you can’t just jump straight in there. You should build a trust first and maybe she should also try to find out what kind of a person before deciding which approach suits me.
When I think about it, I just think she was a bit ignorant and probably not used to dealing with very complex issues. I mean, when I told her about the fact that I feel ugly and I hate the way I look, the first thing she did was laugh (though in a friendly way) and said ‘but you’re so pretty!’ and then she told me ‘well no one likes the way they look, you just need to get used to it’. I know that’s true, everyone tells me that, I don’t need a therapist telling me that. Aren’t you meant to find out how bad it is, is it worse than what’s considered normal (yes) and then help me find a way to overcome it. I felt so annoyed.
At some point, I though ok, maybe this is going to be ok… but then, no…
I told her that I read about PTSD and that I identify with most of the symptoms and what the article was saying about it. She was immediately quite dismissive about that. Maybe she is right, but I also feel that she didn’t really even want to consider it.
She said she’ll teach me some meditations and affirmations next time, but I don’t think I’ll go again. I felt quite distressed when I lef there. Basically, I don’t think she listened to me, I don’t think she’s got the right understanding of my situation. I don’t agree with what she thinks should be done next which is work on my self esteem – i do think this is important and has to be done, but I think I need more than that. Plus, the fact that she was so pushy about some stuff really made me feel uncomfortable and a bit scared.
I’m so exhausted now. I don’t even want to think about talking to anyone right now. I’m starting to think I should just try to get busy, ignore all my issues and pretend to be happy. Maybe that would be easier!

EDIT: Oh yeah, another thing that disturbed me a bit, which now makes me laugh, is that when we went to the room someone else had been there just before, i sat down and she was looking for some files. Then she said she’d open the window because it doesn’t smell v nice here (i thought it was ok) she said it must’ve been the previous person’s perfume, ‘ugh, it’s really not nice’ she said… I think it was actually my perfume!!!! LOL! made me feel a bit uncomfortable at first, but now I think it’s funny. I was wearing my favourite perfume: Jo Malone lime, basil and mandarin – how can someone not like it? Not a good sign…

I have an appointment with a new therapist today. I’m so nervous about it. She sounds ok, seems to have good qualifications and is a member of all professional associations etc. I was a bit surprised that she had availability immediately, but there could be lots of reasons for that. I’m just being paranoid, I think.
I’m nervous that I forget to say the things I want to say or even knowing what to say. Last Friday, though I had a nice chat with the counsellor, I felt afterwards that I didn’t really talk about my main issues, we just chatted about everything and perhaps got a bit side tracked.
I’m also nervous that I don’t like this therapist and then having to find someone else and knowing what to say.
I was thinking I could tell her that I’m not sure what kind of counselling I need and explain what my issues are – I think I’ll make a list of things, just to get them straight in my head – and then I’ll ask her if she thinks I’d need specialist counselling or whether ‘general’ counselling is enough. I’ve just heard about the national trauma centre, so was thinking maybe that would be a good place to go. Could be, though, that this therapist has the training and experience to help me.
I really hope I’ll be happy with her and don’t need to go back looking for someone again.

Yesterday I got a really horrible feeling, which I get every now and then, of I cannot stand being this unhappy and how on earth am I meant to get through life feeling like this. Life feels so long when you’re desperately unhappy. I’m so frustrated with myself. Why can’t I just feel happy? It’s beyond me. I feel like I’m almost incapable of feeling positive emotions.
I did some googling and read quite a lot of stuff online which made me think that I might suffer from post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). I have most of the symptoms, some of which are only getting worse, so I’m almost certain it’s that. First when I read the list of common symptoms and behavioural traits, and said yes to about 8 out of 10 of them, I was a bit shocked. I thought, OMG, I knew bad things happened, but I didn’t think they were that bad. Now, though, I’m kind of relieved that there might be a reason, other than that I’m an uptight b*tch, why I’m like this. Still, I’m a bit sad.

I’ve emailed a few therapists in my area, all psychologists, and am just waiting for them to come back to me with their prices and availability. I don’t know if, when I have an appointment, I should say to them that I think I might have PTSD? Or maybe I should even ask them on the phone if they have any experience of that? Not sure. I always feel a bit silly when I tell a medical professional that I think I might have something… esp if I’ve read it online… not sure why I feel that.

with a therapist on Friday. It was very good, though I think I’m going to try to find somewhere else. I did not like the place. I don’t like going to that part of town, it was my first time there and people did tell me it can be a bit dangerous, but I didn’t really believe it because it’s not that far from us. However, I see what they mean now… junkies… The therapy centre itself was ok, but I’d prefer to go somewhere a bit more professional (where people didn’t smoke in the office would be a good start; they did have the back door open, but still…) and no junkies hanging outside, eyeing up my bike, would be nice, too!

I really liked the therapist, we had a nice chat. I don’t think she was a psychologist, not sure what her training was, but she was nice anyway. I felt comfortable chatting to her but I have some reservations about her (she didn’t really know about exercise and endorphins etc, for example, which I thought was a bit weird).
She made some good observations, like that I’m really hard on myself and she also said that I take on other people’s guilt (as well as my own), which is something I’ve never considered myself. She also made me realise that actually, I was bullied in my last job and it was not my fault, even if I might have said/done things wrong, still, telling someone they look disgusting is mean. She said this is becoming more and more common amongst women and she’s seen several people who’ve been treated badly by other women in the workplace because of their looks. So that make me feel tonnes better because I still think about it sometimes and try to figure out what I did wrong to make them treat me like that. I can stop doing that now.

I booked another appointment for next week, however, I’m going to see if I can find someone else before that. Someone in my local area and also, I’m going to try to find someone who is a fully qualified psychologist.

I started working through the mindfulness book but after about a week I just forgot to listen to the meditation daily and forgot about all the other exercises too. Since then, I’ve just not had the motivation to start again. I seem to go up and down, one day I’m happy, energetic and positive, the next day I’m tearful and negative. It’s exhausting. This week, because I’ve not been able to exercise and because I’ve been in a lot of pain, I’ve felt very low.
I just feel really stuck and unable to find a way out. I don’t know if I’m depressed or just desperately unhappy with my life at the moment. I don’t know if there’s a difference between those two. Something has to change, but I don’t know what and how. My husband tells me to go speak to someone and I think I owe it to him to do that. Actually, I’m kind of starting to think that that’s the only way for me to really find a way out of this rut.

is much better than Prozac. It only takes about half an hour to get over mubblefubbles when you run. If only I could remember that always! I’m going to try really hard to find the will to go for a run when I start feeling low, hopefully manage to do it before it gets bad.

• listen to Body Scan track every day (about 30mins)
• Start cultivating mindfulness in my daily life by brinking moment-to-moment awareness toroutne activities, starting with brushing my teeth. This is just few minutes, three times a day (also will finally help me to get into the habit of brushing my teeth after lunch, too!). The aim is to zero-in on knwing what you are doing asyou are actually doing it and on waht you are thinking and feeling from moment to moemnt as well. Not as easy as it sounds!

I also want to buy a new notebook this week, because from next week I’ll need to make some notes and it would be nice to make a few notes every day. Went to a shop today, but found nothing under 12 euro! WTF? I think I’ll order one online…