im sitting here. in this odd daze that i am positive most of you have seen me in before at one time or another. this state of being where i feel so big. that i can do anything, yet i dont have the motivation to do anything. the people who have seen me this way, they know what i am talking about. i sit in a chair for periods of time just glancing at a room. in a daze. zoned out. im starting to believe something is wrong with me, medically. there are so many things i want, and so many things that seem so unattainable. i know im not built for a 9-5 job. it just isnt me. sorry guys. i know what i want more than anything is to become famous. i need fame before i will ever feel like my life is in some way complete. so whats stopping me. what the hell is wrong with me. why am i still here. in ohio. i’m starting to doubt the whole process completely. with each additional pound i gain, and every attempt i make to lose that god forsaken pound i lose hope. you can bitch at me if you feel like it. whatever. but seriously. whats wrong with me. i’ll never leave ohio. you know that? i want to, more than anything. but i wont do it. why? why dont i just walk away from all of you. just leave you. leave you all, and this life behind and never look back. i dont know, but i do know i cannot do it. another thing, my weight. i want to lose it. i know its standing in my way. in the past 10 months i have gained 60 lbs. what the hell? i didnt change anything. i try to diet. i swear. i have every intention of eating healthy. and i tell myself i will work out. and i do, for like a week. and then i stop. and i can’t stop from stopping. some of you may think i dont want to loose it badly enough. i know some of you know better. those are the few ppl that have sat beside me as i go through old pictures and cry. and the ones that know i am taking online classes so i dont have to go to school because i dont want anyone to see me like this. i walked into victoria secret and asked if they had the bikinis as i walked by mirror. those women must have been disgusted. i felt bad for even asking. i dont deserve to get into a bikini right now. i’m struggling. don’t get me wrong, there are things in life that are absolutely incredible. jon is amazing. he keeps me happy. and i know he doesnt care about the weight. to be honest, he will probably try to fix all the things i’m talking about, but he cant. and neither can you i suppose. so whats the point in this really. i want to go downstairs and get the exercise bike. why not go get it? i have no idea. i know i wont though. to those of you that have actaully made it through all this self pity, thank you. i’m gonna go now.
