Beat my depression

One of my personal abusers stopped because i will find a job and will move out, so there wont be more ME in the scene and thats the whole purpose… to get rid of me. But I know that if I fail to get that job I wont be able to have a single day of peace in this house.

I still continue being abused no matter how hard I try to let person #2 ,know that is not cool, that if I ever did something to deserve it to please forgive me. But it wont stop, I know i made mistakes but today i regret them and Im not ashame of saying IM SORRY, and the answer is ”...OK..” (like whatever). I resign myself, listen the reasons of “why im not good enough, of how I ruin other peoples live, how im useless and incable of helping, how im selfish, and how Im NOT CONVENIENT”..

(Why am I not convenient? because Im not rich and cant guarantee you 5 cars, because I cant solve the big messed up problem you got yourself into, because my nationality doesnt suit you for your own selfish desires.)

Sadly, I apolgized for the “damages” and promised one day I will not be around.

Where will you go?
Somewhere
Haha are you saying you gonna suicide
No, I never said that word
STOP IT and speak clear
It means whatever it means to you

And went away because I had enough cruelty and was sunday.. I assumed the person would be very happy I dissapeared for the rest of the day.
Later on received an email from this person as usually trashing me, when the only thing I did was to listen all that crap ask forgiveness and guarantee that I will vanish.

How can I be hated so much?
My days can be counted.

I’ve been crying every day of this month, there isnt a single day that pass by that I dont think in ending this suffering in a permanent way.
My life crashed down, i lost everything, im alone and in deep suffering. What gets me the most is that no matter how HARD i try to fix this, it always comes down to the same thing..
I dont know if my destiny is to suffer until my last day in this planet or what? but i cant get anything right.
I spend the days in my bed, either crying or sleeping. Probably some people would think I dont try, but i do, i have spent hours, money, words, shared secrets, accepted being humilliated.. EVERYTHING to make things work. This always happens to me. Nobody appreciate what I do for them and the things I go through. I dont know and dont understand whats being expected from me. They say NOTHING but still demand a lot from me. They want me to do for them but when its time for them to show up.. oh guess what? “I dont want to go”. But I HAVE to be there, and listen to all their crap. Who listens to me? Who cares for me? Who wants to be with me? —
I have practically to beg for a little of affection and most of the times all I get is silence or a cold NO. And when I dont give what they are expecting Im called names.
I have changed most of the things I am just to be accepted. None of that is good enough.
Im desperate, sick, angry, disspaointed, betrayed, alone, I wish this would end soon.