be more confident

I submitted a photo of… me… to the Real Deal Brazil web site.

It’s a site that sells hats.

Jeez. I’m pathetic.

(The photo of the hat hanging on a branch by the beach is mine, though, too. That one’s kinda cool.)

During the NASA Explorer Schools workshop at Yellowstone Park in January I was able to hang out with the “cool kidz.” I even went “hot-potting” in the Gardiner River with several people.

And I managed to talk to and hang out with one of the most amazing women I’ve ever met.

Long way to go, but this past few days was a big step. How do I maintain the momentum?

It’s hard to be confident when you’re an ugly, slovenly, fat, stupid piece of sh˙t.

That’s all I am, and all I’ll ever be.

I am trying the 365Days Project at Flickr.com. It’s a project in which participants snap a self-portrait photo each day for a year and post it online.

I find this very difficult to do. In a small way, I suppose it is requiring me to push the boundaries of my confidence, or lack thereof. I will probably “hit the wall of worthlessness” pretty soon and delete all the photos.

For now, though, I’m up to day three!

I have been reading about author Neil Gaiman. I am trying to figure out the appeal he and his works have for such a broad audience. I am trying to figure out the secret of his success.

I believe I have uncovered his simple secret. Confidence. Confidence and ambition. Skill, or, if you prefer, talent, play a part, obviously. Effort, of course. But confidence, I am convinced, is the single biggest element in his success.

Or, in the success of most successful people.

I have never, ever been able to believe in myself or in the results of my labors to even a fraction of the extent that successful people believe in themselves. I don’t think that this is an ability which can be either taught or learned. I think it is innate. Perhaps we can learn to act confident, but it will always be an act, and will never lead to the natural, genuine success that comes to those who are born with confidence.

My last entry on this goal was ten months ago. I see I used the word “futility.”

It’s still applicable.

Due to circumstances surrounding my current job, my confidence is again approaching a nadir.

I’ve noticed that, when my confidence is low, my “invisibility factor” increases—that is, the times I’d like to be noticed… or at least not pushed off the sidewalk… I seem to be completely invisible.

However, when my confidence is low, I definitely become a “target” for those who are irked about something and need someone to take it out on to to plass blame onto.

I think there’s something to that saying that wild animals can “sense fear.” Similarly, hostile, predatory humans can sense “psychic vulnerability” and they target those individuals for their wrath and scorn.

I would imagine it’s “body language” cues that invite this. Perhaps it’s pheremones, perhaps it’s an “aura” or other electro-chemical sense. Whatever it is, it’s real, and it serves only to further diminish the confidence of those who already have a deficit.

I don’t know how to fight back. At this point, the lack of confidence begins a steep slide into futility and depression.

Looking back at my notes, I see that six months ago I was at a similarly low ebb. I was hoping to be doing better by now. It’s not happening. This is very discouraging.

I read an Anthony Robbins book last night. The main idea I took away from it is the important of consistent effort. Doing something “once in a while” is rarely effective. Consistent effort, even if on a smaller scale, generally leads to greater achievement.

At least, so they, and Mr. Robbins, say.

I can feel my confidence waning with every passing day. Considering that it was low to begin with….

Despite ol’ GBS’s pithy wisdom, I’m feeling somewhat dejected lately due to circumstances not entirely within my control. I’m attempting to take action to ameliorate the deletorious effects of said circumstances, but the blow to my confidence has been considerable. And since I didn’t have much confidence to begin with….