My brother called, he’s disabled raising five kids with a disabled wife. He went back to school and three months into the semester he’s feeling lost.
There was no discipline needed at the beginning of the school year, the energy and excitement and thrill of the goal and the reward that would come one day pushed him through. His mind was an absorbant sponge gobbling up all the new experiences and thoughts.
Now the discipline comes in. Many papers are due while the kids and wife beg for his time and the energy is gone. He doesn’t feel like continuing, can’t see the reward at the end of the semester through the pain of this weekend trying to balance all the demands.
What a great experiece to hear his feelings and offer some encouragement. In return I understand discipline a little better.
I’ve never had discipline, each experience had to have it’s own reward built in. In other words, if it didn’t feel good, I wouldn’t do it. If I don’t enjoy practising guitar, it won’t be done. Yoga happens often because it feels great during and afterwards. The pain of a church meeting when I was younger is swallowed up in the need I feel for spiritual feeding on a regular basis, it’s easy to attend church now because the rewards are built in.
Maybe when I started the goal of more discipline I perceived a world where I could go through pain and suffering without reward and continue on no matter how bad it felt knowing in the end I would be a better person. Maybe the goal should really be changing the definitions in my mind of what is painful or boring and what is interesting and delightful.
Yoga has diminished my anxiety as I’ve learned to breathe deep and slow when the confusion and panic come, my thinking has become more clear, what a terrific experience.
Being me has been amazing. Huge highs, terrible lows. In the end the pains and hurts other people have felt make it not worth it. The suffering has outweighed the pleasures, my balance is tilted. I have big branches that break often and produce no fruit because of the shallow roots.
In discipline, I won’t be able to force myself to do things I don’t enjoy. I’m not going to go back to school and learn mandarin or html no matter how much it could help my career.
But, as I drive roots over branches, seek joy rather than pleasure and accept past failures rather than torture myself over them, I spend more time in growth and learning and strengthening. Is that discipline?
I suggested my brother go to the library at school and turn his phone off till the papers are done. He was going to leave the phone on, addicted to the interruptions his family puts upon him(can you blame him? It’s instant pleasure solving a problem for a family member, it’s way harder watching them struggle through something you could change for them). I could see more clearly and counsel him. I’ve never felt like a better brother before as I shared his pain of not being everything for his family they expect of him, but helping him see he’s enough. Heck, compared to me he’s a god of a father and husband.
Is discipline innate? Did I just lose my way as it was busy being manifested?
