last evening on the phone, I was trying to explain a feeling I’d had earlier in the day.
Even though I’ve been freaked out, sad and afraid of all the changes I experienced this really warm and fuzzy feeling.
It’s like, with winter coming on and visualizing my family here in our home, all safe and snug and healthy, just the four of us…without the stress and pain and drama of his presence.
I thought I was being quite vague and wierd but he replied, “yeah, I know what you mean, like everything is finally coming together.”
I remembered how difficult this all has been for him, poor dear. He’s such a strong young man and has been supportive to me but it’s quite stressful for him as well. All the stuff we’ve been through the last several years. J overdosed on L’s 13th birthday and we spent the day in the hospital. Not to mention the every day drama and the utter chaos of late.
I had a nearly year long struggle with cocaine addiction that I tried to keep hidden from him. I tried to keep it at work on the weekends but certainly it trickled into the home. I spent thousands of dollars and certainly would have died or gone to jail soon had I not walked away from it.
I left the job (3rd shift waitressing) along with the drugs over a year and a half ago and have not looked back. My heart felt old that night, like it might just stop…my nose was raw, on fire, my nerves were jangled beyond belief. I just didn’t go to work. J lay next to me in bed that night, unaware of my condition, he was trashed drunk…I tried to explain how I was feeling, that I was afraid I would die that night….he said, “just one more eight ball and no more” Unbelievable.
I came clean with L, my son, opened up to him, told him everything after I had quit. He said he didn’t really suspect that I was on drugs or strung out but looking back wondered why there was sometimes no food…that wasn’t like me. :( J was, as usual drinking very very heavily during that time and spending most of the time in bed. As well, he was using cocaine right along with me. Not at the quanity that I was but certainly would not turn it down and encouraged me to go out and score many many times. I turned to the drugs to keep me awake at night and to escape the pain of J’s neglect I think, also because he seemed fun at the time. It just got out of control. My drug dealer worked with me…too easy. It, of course turned into a nightmare and makes me sick to my stomach to think back on those days. L was just a baby. I thought I was holding it all together, at least better than he.
Walking away from the drugs to save my own life and do what was right for the children. I came very close to losing everything. when I quit the job, I moved from the apartment and into this one with a friend/drug buddy under the agreement that we would support each other and there would be no drugs. It, amazingly, worked out really well for a long time…she was a very good friend, young lady, but I think she started using again. She screwed me over for a lot of money and I had to kick her out. She still owes me about $500. J broke up with me after we moved in here and we were split up for 6 months.
I tried to kick him out before I moved in here. I tried to quit drugs and one night he put his hands around my neck (later, telling me he was just frustrated and trying to frighten me into quitting…). I moved in with a friend for the weekend. I relapsed on more time and then quit for good. He would always accuse me of using agian, understandably, but I know in my heart that I never have…never even been tempted. That was a nightmare I don’t care to return to. Quitting that monster gave me a new strength as well…no rehab, just quit. Blessing that we all came out fairly unscathed.
He used a fair bit of heroin while we were split up, and methadone, and siboxon(?) When we started hanging out again after the first few months he gave me heroin for the first time in my life. I snorted it then he helped me shoot up. Luckily that drug made me sick as a dog and I didn’t cling to it. the high wasn’t worth the illness to me. My tolerence was far too low. Certainly, besides, I didn’t need another vice! He did, was really bad for a while.
The job I got after that one was as a waitress in a strip club. It would be great money some nights and terrible for many many nights. I couldn’t get into the whole hustling mode. I couldn’t compete that way. It was terrible for my soul and I had to leave. My lack of money during that time led J to think I was using again. He gave me loans for bills which he continues to throw in my face to this day.
I love my son so very much. I still want to shield and protect him. I’ve not done a very good job at times, I’m afraid. He forgives me. Hell, he even admires my strength for some reason. I am so very blessed, so flawed, so resiliant.
It’s gonna be a lovely winter.
