let go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zNRvI_PXWHg

My mom was born in 1950, this was one of her favorite songs. While I generally find the Eagles very corny this is a beautiful song. She told me it brought her comfort when dealing with the end of the relationship with my birth father, in fact, during her pregnancy with me, so it connects us somehow. It has brought me comfort many many times and it applies now…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ikxcuDRiAn4

I listened to it over and over again the night before her first brain surgery cried and cried.

God rest her….

I took the baby to her grave site last week. It was a beautiful day. I lay in the grass and cried silently, all the year’s struggles and challenges pouring out of my eyes, my heart, into the earth.

when he’s gone.

So why did I allow him to lay around here drunk all weekend?

Some of the time it is that I don’t want to send him out to drive drunk. Some of the time it’s that I don’t wish to have a conversation/argument when he is so sloppy drunk he wouldn’t even comprehend and would most likely cause a lot of stress.
Some of the time I’m not sure what prevents me from demanding that he leave. I suspect it’s just a little part of me left that wants him here, wants someone here, is afraid to let go. I’ve no idea what my problem is.

It was absolutely terrible. Sloppy drunk for three full days. Drank all of my booze that I’d had forever and would have lasted me a good long time, even drank my mouthwash. (yep) Ate my leftover pizza while I was gone and drank nearly 2 gallons of juice (used for mixer).

I didn’t kick him out of bed (it’s his stupid bed) I spend so little time in bed anyway with being up and down all night with the baby…I didn’t let him have sex with me though and he steady tried for the entire time. This was not a challenge for me. The idea was not appealing in the slightest. I highly doubt he could have done anything with his drunken penis anyway…it would have been a joke.

He kept saying he loved me. First I was just silent. He asked if I loved him. I said I don’t know. Eventually I’d just say, “no you don’t”. Yes he does, he insisted, he loves me a lot.

the man has no shame. No shame.

It didn’t work out with the other women so he’s biding his time with me. Nothing makes a woman feel all warm and fuzzy like “I guess you’ll do for now” which is what he’s implying.

Also he wants to sleep in the comfortable bed but is too lazy to take it back to his place.

He thinks I’ll take him back like I always have before.

I don’t know. It’s fucking sad and pathetic. I don’t feel love or desire anymore when I look at him. He’s hurt me far too much. I feel slight disgust is all.

He let me use his car a few time while he was here which was handy. All his crap is still taking up my valuable space and he barely spent any time with the children. When he did he was so sloppy drunk he could barely function and I wouldn’t allow him to hold the baby. Sadly, my toddler is used to seeing him that way. She thinks it’s just him.

He didn’t take her with him when he left and didn’t ask to, thank goodness.

I’ve got to stand up to him. I can’t allow him to be here.

He seems like the logical choice having had two children with him.

Please don’t let me be stupid and make the mistake of going back to him again.

He seems to be trying to inch his way back into my life.

I know me….even after all this I could be stupid enough to take him back.

He’ll be a model husband and father for a week or two.

Then drinking and insulting and rehashing of all this nasty past.

He makes me weak and stupid.

There’s no way to heal from this for us. There is no future for us.

Besides, I don’t even recognize him. The months apart, all of the nastiness…Even physically he doesn’t look the same.

I’m not trying to be superficial but the gluttony has transformed him, caught up with him. He used to be beautiful to me.

Most beautiful.

I allow him to take showers and do laundry here and he lets me use his car from time to time.

He came over and helped with the baby the other night so I could get a little sleep.

He tries to have sex/touch me when he’s drunk.

We chat. I am semi-friendly/not hostile but not fake..not pretending to be his friend, civil I suppose.

I want to be able to visit with L there should it be necessary.

I want him to get the rest of his stuff out. I remind him each time I speak to him and he says “soon”. I see no need to make a big deal though I’d love for it to be gone so I can use the space.

I still secretly hope he looks at me and sees what he’s missing but I’m sure that will fade in time, the desire for his approval….because I know very well that I shall never receive it nor should I care to.

I feel ok with this exchange but cannot allow him to drink so heavily around baby girl and certainly not around the new baby. That is simply not acceptable without me around to protect them…

of talking about, thinking about HIM.

When will it be my turn?

It’s disturbing how much of myself I give to someone. Further, how much love/relationship overtakes my entire life and being. Everything else seems insignificant.

I don’t feel much of anything toward him anymore. At least not the last time I saw him.

hmm.

pathetic fool.

I don’t even know how to feel.

Devestated, insulted, heartbroken, disappointed, betrayed, Vindicated, relieved, confused, sickened

That about covers it.

one of the few times I’ve said no to his advances since I’ve known him.

invades my dreams and I wake up feeling weak and wounded.