stop thinking about suicide

This is something I will always encounter, I’m sure. I just can’t help it. I am thinking about it. I don’t really know why. Nothing has set me off except the blatant truth of life. It’s so empty. I feel empty and I just don’t want to feel this way anymore. I’m not going to, and I don’t want to bother my friends tonight, I’m just feeling blah I guess. I just thought I should write about it to help me get some of those feelings(or lack there of) out of my head. I’m ok. I just need to reassure myself of that sometimes.

I will always think about suicide from time to time, but I will never do it.
Yesterday my best friend’s uncle shot himself and my best friend had to clean up the mess. I cried and cried all day yesterday not for the dead guy, but for my friend who was left behind to deal with that old man’s shit.
Life’s hard and it sucks sometimes, but suicide is not worth it. It will never be, and I’ll be able to deal.
I no longer have too much pride to ask someone to talk me down from the ledge. Suicide is what happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.
When I talk about how I’m feeling I’m coping with that pain, and I know now that I will never run out of resources to cope; there will always be someone I can call and talk to.

My boyfriend told me today that I died last night.
I’m in shock right now.
I did something REALLY stupid out of anger and it made my heart stop. He told me I wasn’t breathing and that my mouth was doing some weird twitching dead person thing.
After that I cut my wrist. I was ready to die last night, but as soon as my arm went numb I got scared.
I frantically started calling people and I finally got in touch with my mom. It was 5:30 this morning and she just asked me what was wrong; I said that I needed a reason to live. I needed to know there was something more than what it is.

I needed last night. Last night I hit rock bottom and it will never be worse than it was last night. My boyfriend said that today is truly the first day of my new life b/c I was dead last night.

I don’t want to die and I’m going to mark this goal complete very soon.

I think I like drama. No I’m not a crazy girl trying to get attention, let me explain my thoughts. Today I was thinking really hard about my life and if I’ve become one of those complicated chicks that no one can reach through to (the type of girls that ultimately annoy me for being stubborn and immature). I don’t think I am. I think I’m just lost and confused. I prayed about it today. I prayed to just get through the day and perk up a little. ALSO, a friend of mine (some guy I barely know on myspace) posted a blog about his revelation on what God wants from us. It really opened my eyes. God will always be there, but I’m the one making the decision to drown myself in my depression. “Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional.” (Thanks Tink!)
In the movie Girl, Interrupted, the Therapist asks, “How much will [you] indulge in [your] flaws?” Well, I need to stop this crap. I’m feeling immature. I know it’s going to be hard and I have to take it one day at a time, but I want that. I want a life that means so much more than this.
Oh! The drama thing, my bf’s sister is treating me like she did his ex and it’s starting to become a big deal. She and I used to be really good friends until I started dating her brother and basically this drama is a healthy distraction from myself.

...will help me get a better start on it.

Things just suck right now. I’m at the point in my life where I’m now 21, out on my own, and can’t afford food. I have no job. The job market sucks I got laid-off of 2 jobs in 3 months. I don’t know how I’m going to handle this financial stress and right now I don’t want to.
I constantly think about ways to kill myself and it’s getting worse.
I’m at that point, the very pivotal point where I know my next decision will be the most important one of my life (or death).
How do you pull yourself out of such a deep depression. No one understands. My family thinks I’m just sad and and acting stupid. No one gets it. I wish someone could see right through me and say I know how your feeling and I know I can’t say anything to make you feel better, but I need you here. I want someone to understand that I’m really at the end of my rope and I’ve had all the stress that I can handle. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore.
I know I’m selfish and probably pretty lazy too, but I’m tired of the disapointment. Yesterday I got an email about one of the jobs I had applied for telling me they weren’t going to hire me. Well, I would have rather them just ignore me than call me and tell me ‘You’re not good enough. Have a great day!’
I just wish I could sleep away the rest of my life, but no, I have to be one of those people that suffer insomnia when I’m depressed!