Find the purpose of my life

Rereading my earlier entry, I think I was being disingenuous. There was a much better reason for putting this at the top of the list than I gave. This really should be at the top of the list, and if it’s not, everything else in the world will pour in on top and this, very key, very important, most important thing, will never be addressed. And that is what has happened until now. And it must stop.

I just moved it to the top of the list, more to avoid doing anything on the list, since I think I’m pretty bushed – into my 28th hour with no sleep, although I’m really not feeling tired, but still – I do hate/love to do this to myself.

(It feels pretty good actually – what happened to all those studies that said losing sleep has similar effects to the anti-depressants?)

But it just can’t be that my purpose in life is depriving myself of sleep.

But I don’t think my purpose is to sleep through life, either.

(Agh, had to get all metaphorical, don’t you know?)

It’s true though, I don’t want to start a Kramer-system…

(I remember a kid in college who was doing the same thing, following Da Vinci – he moved to New York – I wonder if that’s popular there.)

Anyway, this rambling nonsense isn’t cutting to the core of the problem – how am I gonna figure out what I’m supposed to do here?

(Especially when I find it so hard to trust anyone… I suspect everyone of cheating me in one way or another. I’ve just seen too much of it, that I see it now even if it isn’t there. I’ve often seen myself as Prufrock, never as Othello. But since I can’t see myself – well that’s really the source of the whole difficulty with this goal, isn’t it? But what difference does a social definition make? Am I kidding? Will I be a hermit, emanating thoughts?)