forgive God

It has been a very long journey to the place where I can say that I forgive God for taking my Dad away. I am now grateful to have had such a wonderful person in my life for all of the years that I did. Now, the task is to learn to love others the way he made me feel loved. I want to love the way he loved. I want to forgive the way he forgave us. I want to dance the way he danced. I want to laugh at my mistakes. I want to be as humble as he was about it all.

I am pretty arogantly angry with a deep sense of justification for that anger and resentment. I have always felt that I didn’t need God for things that I could easily do for myself. So I never used Him for a valet parker, head hunter, or any other of petty things that I am sure that people call Him for daily. There are children starving that certainly need the attention of God more than I do. So, I rarely ask for things, but when I did I thought that He should listen to me. I wanted my Dad to be healed, to live at least as long as my mother. And when God allowed him to die that way, after all the faith my Dad had, all those people praying, all of us needing him, I was just so angry.
I thought I would never get over my Dad’s death. Well, who ever does? But, with these years of distance, I wonder how our lives would have been had he lived. I wonder if I would have decided that I deserved to be loved like that. I wonder if I would have appreciated my mother in the way that I have learned since she moved her. Would I have understood who I am as well?
I am not totally forgiving God yet. But just have become willing to forgive Him someday.