stop cutting myself

Iwas trying to do better for my baby but thing haven’t been so good. I’ve cut the past three days and it doesn’t feel like I’m going to be able to stop for awhile. I cut a heart into my ankle and the kanji symbol for pain into shoulder. then the rest of my legs and arms are covered in various cuts. I don’t know if I’m ever going to be able to stop and go into recovery. I’ve been so addicted to this for 7 years what if I’m never going to be able to stop? what is I’m never able to WANT to stop…?

i’ve started cutting a lot again, my arms haven’t looked this bad in over a year, I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to stop. I just want to give up… it doesn’t help that my life has gone to hell.

there’s this site that I go to a lot for drawing ideas, inspiration, and to know that I’m just not freakin alone. www.self-injury.net but i’m wondering if going on there is kinda a trigger. I dunno… i just feel like cutting all the time anyway. i’m like on the edge even just going through my day. listening to my fave music even does it sometimes. i’ve had to start wearing my Gir armband on my wrist again. owell…

well hi, I haven’t done it for awhile! Yeah! That doesn’t mean that it was easy, really it was hard. I cut last weekend on graduation cuz I hate people, and then I was a freakin idiot and I burnt my leg on my curling iron. That hurt like a bitch. I have a pretty big burn and I think that’ll leave a nasty scar. Is that bad that idea makes me happy?
xoxox

I’ve totally just basically given up on this one. I’ve just started right back where I was before I got preggo. I carry my blades with me all the time and whenever anything upsets me I just cut. My arms are once again covered in cuts and I’m having a hard time hiding it because the weather has definately warmed up. I’m trying to be upset but It actually feels soooo much better to actually just be able to cut when I want. I love having that release when the blood finally coems rolling down my arm. Chris keeps telling me to stop, I tell him to fuck off.

I think I’m just about ready to give up on even trying to stop. I got some exacto blades the other day at Walmart and I totally sliced up my ankle. They cut soooo smoothly. It’s so disgusting that it feels so good to me, am I just crazy? Then I took it out on my wrist and my arm. My BF noticed but honestly I just don’t give a shit. They can all kiss my ass, they think they know how to fix me. Don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I’ve been in the hospital two times, ER I don’t know how many, and theres all these people who say they’ll listen. Doesn’t matter… they can’t make me stop. I don’t want to, the only reason I did before was because I was preggo. Chris went over to his friend Yager’s tonight so I’m planning on going and taking a nice hot shower and letting the blood flow. I’m seriously fucked.

Well I’ve failed trying to stop cold turkey. I was watching TV last night and cutting out pics for my thinspiration journals and a episode of Intervention came on. I like that show so I flipped to it. Turns out that episode had a girl who cuts herself, her arms looked a lot like mine when I was in my REALLY bad place. It was a major trigger. So I got out my little white travel first aid kit and took out the blade I had stashed in there. I cut the top of my arm under my sleeve, not even that bad but I still felt guilty. My BF wants me to tell him when I feel like doing, and when I do but he always gets mad so I didn’t. Then he saw my bandaid and got pissed. We had a really big fight last night. He tried to make me choose the blades or him. It doesn’t work like that. People can’t MAKE me stop unless I want to, I’ve been in the hospital twice inpatient and even then I still didn’t stop. I have my “coping” skills but what’s the point in using them when I don’t want to. The only reason I did before was to get everyone off my back… I think I’m in trouble.