make 2009 as good as it can be

September:

• Write at least 2h a day happened on 19/30 days: I turned the SCP in and then worked on BAP, writing a total 5749 words

• Relationship: I was talking at least one hour with mate, close friends or relatives on 25/30 days

• Body: I was walking or running for at least 30’ on 18/30 days

Considering that I was on holiday till the 13th it’s not so bad.

Discoveries of the month:

- the virtual zen retreat by goodlifezen.com (and now I can’t live anymore without a zafu and a zabuton!)

- the color theory at Jenniferbutlercolor.com

A review should be a simple matter when one has just three goals as I have this year.

1. W(rite, but also work)

2. R(elationships)

3. B(ody)

1.
As for work and writing it hasn’t been bad, one book is out and another is to be before end 2009. I’m getting to know more colleagues and feel less of a stranger around my workplace. I passed my probation, which feels good. There are still issues and objections towards working in this place, and they are big issues for me: the colleagues are awful in general and behave in hateful ways towards female colleagues that have no power whatsoever. This is not a problem of my department, in the whole academic senate there is no woman. It depresses me awfully. The second problem is that I discovered that I can work, and work well and work a lot. But the sparkle is not there. I don’t feel excited by what I’m doing, because mostly is obeying to orders. “You have to write about this” and I do that. I hate being given orders, and yet I’m in no position to have any autonomy for now. This is the second most depressing thought. From outside it seems that everything is going very well, there are people who even envy me, and yet I know the truth and I don’t want to go on like this and don’t know what action to take. Stuck. Badly so.

2.
As for relationships, I managed to solve the big knot in my life, and I’m so happy the awful part is over! I didn’t know that is was sugar-soluble, and that between me and my mum we together could make each others’ lives so sweet! Mums are always such a distress and such a surprise at the same time. This is a total success. As for other relationships I’m as bad as ever. My friends get some phone calls some now and then (mostly then). With my mate I’m not sure if we are settling for separate lives and if we’ll be both happy with that. I think none of us realises what it means and if we can go on like that. I still have a hometown where I am mostly absent and a worktown that I associate with unpleasant feelings. So?

3.
Ah, the serious part at last! I am as devoid of any muscle as I ever was I’m afraid, but now I have lots of beautiful jogging attire and enjoyed greatly running by the sea. On March I joined a swimming course and am about to renew the subscription now. I swim in a funny way though. I look like some U-boat in existential crisis: I swim in circles, this is most embarassing. It’s due to me having an arm which is much weaker than the other. The only solution is to make the other one just as weak.

Other stuff:
- I discovered Psmith for the first time in my life but a week ago and I can’t imagine how I lived till now ignoring him.

- started reading ads to buy a flat in hateful worktown. getting depressed everytime and wondering how to turn my life upside down instead

- yes, I’ve been away, at first it was having to finish the book, then it was an effort to limit my time on the internet, and then it was time to be back.

ok,
the balance isn’t good
but that’s no good reason
not to have a review

I’ll try to consider the review as the first act of a new beginning
so:

G1: (work)
the first 2 weeks in 2009 were good under this respect
I managed to focus well, the results could be better of course but if I compare them to the past they are already somewhat excellent
I recognised I needed help and got it, that’s definitely a step forward
WHAT I CAN IMPROVE:
lots, actually
this is a strive towards efficiency really

G2 (relationship)
relationships? what relationship?
Turandot is (still) an island
Amen
Useless here to consider what I can improve
anything would be an improvement
every email sent
every phone call
every visit (visit by person? human interaction? can you figure that?)

G3 (body)
every idea was totally blown off by the feet ache
was it an excuse? no
could I have done something else to release tension through my body? Quite
This is what I hate in the review: that I feel guilty and that’s it. It makes me feel on the wrong side of the moon.

ok, let’s try to focus on the positive

next week (18-24 January) I want to:

G1: turn the manuscript in

G2:
go home and have 1 evening off with my lifemate,
visit my Jane-Austen-friend who is turning 40 (and will therefore understandably be a big mess),
visit my parents

G3:
see a doctor for my feet;
non-impact workout: 15’ every day (stretching, situps, etc.)

\o/
but the weekly review should consider strategies as well, because there is probably the reason of either results or lack of them
so as for strategies:
- deliberate action (when I managed this, this really made a difference)
- mindfulness (uhm, still wondering what this means)
- use a timer and a stopwatch (yes, they work, I love the stopwatch)
- beware of defensive choices (I started feel bad when I relapsed into them this week)
- have fun, real fun, not better-than-nothing fun (I had lots of better-than nothing-fun, hateful!)
- consider others as occasions for understanding and surprise (uhm, yes, quite)
- week reviews (DONE!), monthly reviews
- music for facing difficult times (yes, this works, the pirate soundtrack is keeping me fighting back)
- photo album to record good moments and achievements (I made the goal for it ;-)

° probably I should add a sort of “where I am now” so I can see improvements in the long run, I will need to quantify the papers turned in, the pages written, the friends met, the workouts
this sounds a lot of work to me
thankfully I have but 3 goals this year

ok, I feel better now

this one I discovered yesterday completely changed my day.
I put on the left corner of my monitor
the clock
the countdown
the timer
the stopwatch
and they did a great job for me.

The main theme of my life in 2009 is achieving freedom not only from the obstacles caused by others in my life but the freedom to look into my passions and design my life according to them.

strategies:
- deliberate action
- mindfulness
- beware of defensive choices
- have fun, real fun, not better-than-nothing fun
- consider others as occasions for understanding and surprise
- week reviews, monthly reviews
- music for facing difficult times
- photo album to record good moments and achievements

3 big goals:

• relationships: this is where the big knot is. I want to learn how not to feel threatened by love and run away. So the aim is to be there for my parents, for my SO and my friends. Even and more so when I feel the urge to disappear forever from their lives. I am more of myself, not less, when I am together with them. Without them I lose myself, my identity is woven into my relationship so I can focus instead on how to improve my bonds with whom i care for.
  Tools: my tribe journal.

• body: remembering that I have a body once a week is leading me nowhere. The idea is to improve mindfulness and activities that make me feel how much I depend on my body. Couch to 5K and downhill skiing already planned. Try cross country skiing? Back to cycling?
  Tools: exercise 3 times a week

• work: here really I want to start following my passion more and not feel obliged to do all the commissioned works that I’ve been asked to write. Put aside 2 hours a day to work on what I feel most passionate about. That can be the best reward for the work I have to do.
  Tools: the “ideas for future researches” folder and a timer.

Only these three hefty goal seem quite enough to deal with for 2009.

one of the goals for next year must be something like:

- make a conscious effort to stay alive and don’t die of boredom

this is where I lost myself most this year I think

but what I think now is worthless
as I’m prey of the Xmas depression