be a better girlfriend

Well I think I am doing really well at this. I gave up being jealous because it was driving me crazy. I was just insecure. I can tell he is really committed to this and I decided to be too. I thought threatening him to leave would make him fix his shit, but instead it made him afraid and caused fights. I am being super nice, helping him with his GED, remaining positive, and not hassling him about full time employment. He in turn is cleaning the house completely and doing lots of chores, not complaining about shit, being loving and attentive when I am home, and not asking for anything beyond basics. I am telling him I am proud of him for deciding to get his GED. If he follows through we may have a future, if he gets lazy I guess he didn’t want us that much.

I’m making strides in this.
-I am not as jealous as I was, and I have not been accusing him of doing or thinking things. I don’t go through his crap anymore either.
-I have been being supportive and encouraging with his job search, and I no longer think he’s using me for my money.
-We have an understanding that when I am drinking he is not at home or around me. He is to ignore anything ignorant I say.
-I have been more verbal with how much I care about him, and I don’t hesitate to say “i love you” back.
-I try not to make negative comments about our relationship, or it ending. I also try to make “future” comments, to show him I see us together for a long time. I used to do that alot.
-I try to diffuse arguements before they start, and I apologize when I’m wrong.

However:
-I sort of let my weight slip a bit. Just a few pounds, and i am losing it.
-We do still get into really big, bad arguements. But they don’t last as long at least!
-Sex is not happening much. But last time it was better than it has been in a while.
-I still emasculate him sometimes.
-I’m still negative sometimes.
-I get into jealous moods where I think obssessively about his ex. But I don’t take them out on him anymore.
-It bothers me that he doesn’t look me in the eye like he used to. But that should change when theres less stress, and better relationship.

If it stays good all month in December and January, I am going to check this off my list.

Yesterday I was looking at his friend’s new pics on myspace (yeah, I know), and there are a few on there of my bf and this girl Amanda, who he went out with for like a week during one of our 2 “breaks”. They didn’t have sex and only kissed once, but I was still very jealous of her and extremely pissed because he thought he could replace me immeadiately. However, I didn’t get angry when I saw the pics. They weren’t holding hands, though they were sitting next to each other. She’s a decent looking chick too. They dont talk anymore. I don’t seem to feel jealous much anymore. I think that’s either because I believe he loves me, or Im sick of caring. I think its a bit of both.
He cleaned the entire house yesterday before I came home, and helped me cook dinner. Today he took the car to the shop, and did some needed shopping at Walmart.
So far, I think that I will know whether we are staying together by sometime in January! Depending on 1) His job status and 2) The other parts of our relationship.

Today is his Birthday. Last month was mine and…he was too broke to get me anything, although he did cook me dinner. I would have liked a card. Lets just say he didn’t go to any trouble. So, I am not going to get him anything except a small Carvel cake, which I also got our roommate on his birthday in August. He went to his friend’s band space and came home early last night. I didn’t fight with him, but I didn’t stay up either.
Tonight in addition to the cake I am obligated to cook him dinner (he did on my birthday and yesterday), and probably at least try to jump him. This is not something I want to do because I still have no body confidence, plus our sex now feel more hoh-hum than exciting or passionate. Maybe I should get some whipped cream to go along with the cake? ;)

Things to remember:
My boyfriend does NOT expect me to be interesting or excitable every time we talk!!

Also, I am still working on being more attractive. I bought 2 fancy new bras (really needed them anyways) and 2 nice panties.

In addition, working on not being accusatory when he goes out and especially not starting a fight when he comes home. He goes to his friend’s band space, all of whom I know and are guys. He calls me from there. Last time I did good on text messages, but was snippy on the phone. Then called back and apologized. Was somewhat cold to him when he came home after 2am, but did not accuse and after about 10 mins became nice again. He has mentioned having to talk to his ex several times over arrangements to see his child. I felt much less jealousy, and when he said upsetting things I told him I just didn’t want to hear it. But,at least I was calm!

Drinking and me being a good gf do not apparently mix. I can drink with anyone else and not have any probs, in fact Im nicer, but to him I start really violent fights, as in Im sitting here with a black eye (i have to be restrained). It is because I have a lot of animosity towards him. I have been supporting him financially for almost the entire 3 years we have been together…he’s had jobs on and off but has issues which affect his employment. The rate in baltimore is almost 7% too. He isn’t lazy though- he does chores, cooks sometimes, etc., but I need a partner and compainion, not a maid. In December I return to CA for Christmas with my mom…I told him if he doesn’t have a job going by then I am just not coming back. I’m not bluffing either, I adore him completely but being the caretaker is taking its toll on me and this relationship.

I am still struggling with this. Part of it is my negativity towards everything. I hate living in Baltimore, and I blame him for bringing me here. I realize that if we are going to stay together, I am going to have to make the best out of this. But I am fed up with struggling and doing more than he is, which makes me go off on a moment’s notice. This relationship is so messed up, mostly because of me…it’s like a vase that’s been shattered into a bunch of pieces. Instead of trying to glue it back together, wouldn’t it be way easier to just get a new vase? The only things I have gotten better on is less suspicion and snooping into his things, and being a bit more feminine and putting time into my appearence.

We finally bought another car and I am letting him drive it this week. Last night he asked to go out with his friend to see his band rehearse. I said yes AND was nice to him before he left, while he was gone, and when he returned. A BIG step. Also, when I saw his ex called yesterday I didn’t feel even a PANG of anger or jealousy. Thats new for me! He is being very productive and I told him how proud I was of his efforts. I know its not much, but its a start…

Last entry I said we were breaking up, but we aren’t ready yet. Instead I wrote a letter asking for forgiveness for the things that I have done, and that I didnt want them brought up in fights any more. I invited him to write me a similar letter. I feel that if we forgive each other for these things, and stop fighting over them, we will work out much better. Basically I am asking for a fresher start. Let’s see how this goes….

So this is my last ditch effort to try and fix his and my relationship…but then again I am always saying that (part of the problem). He is NOT perfect, but he is very caring and loving. This is what I do:

1)Was/am majorly jealous of his ex-gf who he has a kid with, and a few other girls that have shown interest in him.
2)I now refuse to have sex with him because I know I am bad at it, and hate being naked around him.
3)I get in a bad mood and don’t want to be talked to or bothered until I am out of it.
4)I won’t show that I care and refuse to apologize when we fight, instead suggesting he find someone else.
5)He says I’m not “feminine” enough in action and emotion. Meh.
6)I offhandedly bring up us breaking up or not being together in the future. I REALLY doubt this relationship will last further tests.

As I type this I get angrier and angrier. I don't want to have to change who I am. I wish I was alone again, so I didn't have to deal with another person's wants, needs, and expectations. I don't beg for anyone. I have done enough for him (mainly financial), and have put up with a lot of shit that came along with being with him (his friends and ex are fucking horrible). I do love him, but my self-esteem is completely shot. I dont like to show my body off, I have never had self-confidence, I am tired of always trying to be positive and funny when I am miserable because of our situation. I ABHOR competition with other girls, yet now I have some cunt who will be in our lives for at least the next 18 years? It's not worth it. Nevermind, I am just going to break up with him.