be a great mother

I could be better, but for the most part, things are ok.

Cole: Needs discipline. I’m trying to be better with this and I’ve started a new plan of giving him time in the guest room for time outs, and when he acts up while in the car or out in public, he goes to this room when he returns home.

Aidan: He needs time outs as well, but it’s more difficult to make him take them. I’m working on it.

Eli: I am trying to spend more time with him at night. I cannot often do this because of work, but about half of the time I do. He has me half the day as well, so I don’t feel too badly about it.

Overall: I spend some time with them in the mornings and much more at night. Discipline is still lacking, but I am getting stronger with it.

I’ve raised my prices in my business for the services offered, which does provide for more time with the babies both before working hours and after. I walk with Elijah in his stroller at least once a day, and sometimes more. I’ve been spending a lot of time playing with him.

For Cole and Aidan, I watch them while they ride in their toy jeeps and play with the neighbors, and I give them their baths, tuck them in, etc. So this part is getting better over time.

I don’t have a lot of quantity time to give—- I wish I did. But what I’ve been doing in order to be a better mother is to spend more quality time with my kids.

For Aidan—We watched a video together as I held him close, along with all his little “luvies and babies” (has has special blankets and stuffed bears that he calls luvies or babies). We then played with a train and I tickled his feet. We also wrestled a tad bit earlier in the day..he loves that.

For Cole—I watched him play one of his little playstation games and commented on how good he was at playing it. I held him a couple of times and tickled him a lot.

For Eli—When my phone rang with work right as I was breastfeeding, changing him or rocking him to sleep, I just let it ring. No more yelling at his Dad to come get so I can run off to work. I am missing work..money is suffering. I don’t care. My kids have to come first from now on. We can afford our house, clothes, food and some small things here and there. Nicer furniture, etc., and even my medical debt, will have to wait. Bills will always be there..my kids are growing older and I am missing that….not anymore.

As a family—We let the kids help prepare dinner with us via breading the chicken on the kitchen counter island. We actually pulled chairs up to the island on which they stood and gave them two bowls to help. They LOVED THIS!

I took my five year old to the dentist. He has awful dental problems and had six cavities, all in his front row of teeth. He was such trooper! The cavities are filled, and he even was patient while I had his teeth whitened. Now he lookes like a little doll with those pearly whites…...

He has his five year check up soon..and shots. My two year old has this two year check up, too, and shots.

I feel like a good mom for attending to Cole’s teeth—but more so for paying special attention to him afterwards. My kids love shoes…not toys, but books and shoes. This particular one loves playstation games, leapster games and shoes. So…I took him to buy a pair of Spider Man shoes and then he got to pick out a new playstation2 game. He is happy about that!

My husband made the extra effort to buy some healthy lunch from Boston Market, which was nice of him. We also made an effort to NOT cook fattening stuff for dinner, which I KNOW is hard for him. It’s always easier for him to just throw some boxed stuff together, and that’s what has been keeping me overweight—the boxed carbs.

He also washed all the clothes from their trip and even put some clothes away. I had to go to the store alone today to get some gentian violet for the thrush I have and some cabbage for a clogged milk duct (it HURTS people..really HURTS). Thank goodness for Nexxium and Pancreatic enzymes…at least my pancreas doesn’t seem to be acting up today as much as it normally does.

So…I know this entry isn’t very much about being a great mother. But it’s more about Richard stepping up to try to be a great Dad today- he did well! I felt like I had to twist his arm, but it did get done today!

And I am happy that things got done. It gave me more time with Elijah and more time to myself to heal physically. Granted, work as completely suffered, but I will try to make up for it by working overtime tonight.

Childen need:

1) Food/Shelter/good hygiene. It’s been so hard for me to concentrate on so many things at once. Seriously. I feed Elijah every two hours, feed Aidan every three hours, bathe three kids, clean the faces and noses of three kids, take calls from clients every twenty minutes, pump breastmilk every two hours, wash three-four loads of clothes a day, try to keep a clean house, keep up with doctor’s appointments, dentist appointments, etc. I am overwhelmed with this..just the basics are overwhelming me in between working seven days a week (necessary for financial survival since I am the only income provider right now) and being ill (still).

2) Love and positive parental attention/positive reinforcing discipline. My kids have gone WILD lately. My husband seems to be too busy into studying, cooking and cleaning, going to class, to be of much help anymore. I think I am going to have to hire someone. I cannot afford it…but it’s worth it for my children to have better meals, get more positive reincorcement type of discipline, and have simple things done for them like haircuts, getting their baths every night (sometimes they skip a day lately, which I can’t stand) having a night time story read to them, getting their flu shots, etc. To me, giving a child a bath on time and putting them to bed on time every single night is my way of showing love, along with a ton of hugs and time to play with them. My husband isn’t doing this as often anymore or on schedule for their normal routines. I’ve noticed them still awake at 8:00, 9:00 and 10pm almost every single night. But when I attempt to talk to him about it nicely, he shuts down or gets angry with me. I need help and I truly am going to have to hire a mother’s helper or nanny, even. I don’t mind doing all of these things, but if I miss work, even one hour…I miss mortgage. That’s how tight things are financially.

I am sad about this..and feel like I am raising my kids alone lately. My husband has time for school and football and trips back home…but that seems to be all he can take lately.
I feel like a single mom.

I feel like I am not a great mother if I am working too hard on my home business and not able to hold the baby when he cries for me.

But..I also feel like I am not a great mother if I am not working and when the mortgage is late (as it often is here recently).

I’m a bad mom if I don’t stop working so hard and spend more time holding Elijah, but if my mortgage keeps being late and I lose my house, I am a worse mom…or am I? I hate that all the financial stress is on me and me alone. I want more time to hold my baby. The resentment is building..and it doesn’t feel good.

I look at other mothers I know whose husbands work in jobs that pay well and I secretly want their lives. I see them walking their babies around the block and having time to take them to the park, and it makes me cry…because I want time to do this with my own toddler and infant.

But…I also look at their marriages falling apart. I look at one of my close friends who doesn’t have to work, especially not as hard as I do, being the only income provider while my husband is in school, and her marriage is falling apart at the seams. Her kids feel that! Their family life is really damaged because she only sees him late at night or very early in the morning. He is constantly gone on business trips. She takes care of every single little thing in her home all by herself, or she has to hire a handyman when something breaks.

My husband is here for us emotionally. He’s here for me and for the kids. He applies bandaids and kisses to their scraped knees, takes them home to visit their grandma, and takes time to handle the lawn himself. We all feel like a close family unit. I love this about our lives. But our finances are falling apart.

What gives?

After having gotten up to breastfeed Elijah for the EIGHTH time, the clear and definitive answer in my heart rang loudly back to me: “Yes you are. And you’re doing the best you can do with this. He appreciates it.”

I am grateful for even the act of being able to sustain another person from my own body. Breastfeeding is an amazing thing. When I see his little adoring eyes smile back at me, I know it’s worth it.

With three of them under five, my patience is REALLY extended beyond it’s wildest limits. One is almost five years old, the middle one is 2.5 and the youngest is three months.

Elijah, who is three months old, is the easiest. Aidan, who is 2.5, is easy most of the time, but when combined with his oldest brother, Cole, they wreck havoc on my patience levels.

Today I am at my wits end. How come there isn’t a better manual for this? When I told people I was going to have kids and looked forward to being a Mom, why didn’t a bunch of you other Moms come forward and warn me it truly was like THIS?

To make matters worse, I am the primary earner who also works AT HOME. My husband is in school and even when he gets out, will pull in a small salary. This doesn’t bother me, BUT why do my kids have to do everything I say NOT to do. Today they were tearing tinsel off the Christmas tree while I was working in my office. I was only on a call for five minutes. FIVE MINUTES, people!!!! My house is childproof. Gates, locks, bold and childproofed completely. So what would be the harm in cracking the office door, right outside of their playroom, to take a call? In less than two minutes one had pulled the other one’s hair. In three minutes, the oldest was taking away the younger one’s toys. In four minutes, they were yelling and i mean YELLING while chasing each other wildly and then in five minutes had ran smack into each other and bumped heads like bumping cars, leaving a bruise on each head. What am I going to do?

I mean, I HAVE to make money. I HAVE to work…I have a business that runs day and night. I work from 8am to 10pm seven days a week. Tonight I was soo mad that I couldn’t take this little five minute call..I had to put them each to bed an hour early because everytime I try to pee, take a quick call or even walk into the kitchen, they’re running wild.

Someone please lend your ear and your advice.

Perplexed and struggling,
WAHM of three boys under 5 years old