be not too hard on myself

How great it feels to let go of the ill feelings of people who took advantage of me, who are negative with me. It’s like cancer being warded off.

Forgiveness is liberating.

With all the stunted hopes and doused passions… I think I’m going to let it go.

I just saw the Ms. Hyde of me. When I’m angry, I’m very very angry and scary.

I was walking through our gate, on my way to get a ride towards the gym when these two teenage boys have been roughing up infront of me. And before I could duck, this guy infront of me headbutted me with so much force! It hurt so much and I was furious.

I can’t imagine myself “cussing” that kid and was threatening to smack him. I was actually shouting angrily! I could see his face show fear as he ran away. He said sorry though.

With all my “typical” composure being calm, diplomatic and being in-control this test broke it all. I simply defended myself with unimaginable force and conviction. I was still in control of myself even though I wanted to punch him back. I didn’t care what everybody would think. I was just naturally angry because the intensity of the “collision”.

Now I’m scared of myself if I would ever get involved in a traffic accident. I might get… shot or run over! :-(

feeling sad and inadequate today. I miss piggy.

I have to stop this negative self-talk. It is not true that my friends hate me or envious of me.

So what if they don’t answer my text messages, so what if they don’t show up? So what if they joke about things that they know that hurt me.

Let it be. As long as I’m not bitter. I really am not happy being negative.

I hurt him with my honesty. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I told him that I’m upset by our lack of quality communication.

I’m sorry. But how harder could this get?

Should I let things be?

I’m all wrung out. No more expectations. Maybe things are going to this direction. Yes, I’ve been sad but I have to MOVE ON.

Just think about all the things that I could do. I could travel, climb, do business, make art, be happy… even on my own. I’m a seasoned loner yet I don’t want this sudden disintegration destroy me.

Time heals everything.

I called him up and got a voice recorder for an answer. I told him about my concern for him, my honest feelings and a resolution: will I still ever wait in vain hope for his elusive response. If he realizes how hurt I am, I will forgive him. If he still ignores me… There must be something wrong. I hope not.

My heart pounded so heavily after I hung up. I am so hurt by his indifference. He changed so suddenly. Sad.

and stop crying. I’ve exhausted all my frustrations. There is no use being miserable.

My best buddy gave me the best advice: “For me, you deserve nothing but the best (you know what I mean)... Be happy with what we have.”

Let’s see what happens in the coming days. I WON’T EXPECT SO I WON’T GET HURT.

Expecting too much takes a toll on me. Fruits born out of bitterness cannot be eaten.

Let go and enjoy life. Move on. Let nature take its own course.