fall in love with someone who loves me too

I have someone who takes care of me by providing for me.
He is twenty years older than I and he embarrasses me. He’s a
true slob. Truly…I’m not kidding. He said absolutely stupid things and it really pisses me off. He “loves” me though! Hmmm.

One Hundred Years of Solitude by GGM taught me that life is short and that basically we’re all the same in that we all pass on. Die.

I need to figure out priorities here.
I don’t know.
I also have a guy that I meet with regularly and have awesome sex with and he turns me on very much. Is This love? I forgot to say that he has a girlfriend he’s lived with for ten years. Some say not but I love being with him. So now what?

Yeah…pain. Life can suck. Really suck.

I haven’t talked to my lover/man of four years this whole week. I’m so afraid of losing him. I told him that I didn’t want to talk to him anymore and now I’m so scared of the permanancy that may happen. I really am hurting right now and tears are just not wanting to stop.

my counselor and I talked about my relationships and that what I have is sort of working. I have two guys sometimes three and they each give something different to me. I don’t have it all in one person. That’s not as big of a deal as I become older and wiser and more beautiful and approachable. Life is life is life.

100 Years of Solitude: whatever works.

I let him come over and visit last night. I definitely have ambivalence as to what I want to do with this relationship. I wish I felt stronger toward one way than the other.

I hate saying good bye.
But, just like with my job, rather than stay at a place that I gave so much to and didn’t get mutually what I gave, I am saying good bye.

I’ve learned a lot and felt a lot of love but now it’s ok to move on.

I really don’t know if I can do it yet. I’m gonna try not to call him or accept his calls. I’m ambivalent.

One of the guys I’m with now, has a girlfriend he lives with. I’ve been with him for four years. I’m sure most people wouldn’t approve or even get it…why am I with him?

Well, I made this my goal last week because I do feel pain. I don’t have this in my life. I get to see him once or twice a week but he’s not my boyfriend let alone the love of my life.

I just agreed to the situation and I knew what I was getting into but I did it anyway. I still get excited to see him…but, deep inside, I know there has has has to be more to my life.

and I’m still really angry and upset at my life, my situation. I mean, damn, what’s up with me?

and I’m just crying my eyes out. It’s seems like I’ve not ever done this in the five years since i met him. I’m feeling my pain, the pain.

I met him at a huge club. I never went out dancing in college…for many reasons but anyway, this was about fifteen years after college. Pretty much my first time in a club. I went with one of my best friends who used to be a go-go dancer so I felt really at safe.

I was certain I’d be sitting out and unnoticed but I was determined to go, to be there no matter what. It truly was a big night for me. I ended up dancing the whole night.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me to him and there was another guy and us three danced together for hours. That’s when I first met him.