Be more kind and patient with myself

I AM DOING GREAT. I AM ACKNOWLEGING MYSELF FOR WHO I AM AND MY DAILY ACCOMLISHMENTS NOT JUST PROFFESIONALLY BUT PERSONALLY TOO. I WENT TO A THAI CHI CLASS THIS WEEK AND ALTHOUGH I HAD HUGE AMT. OF ANXIETY I DID IT AND I FELT GREAT AND WILL GO NEXT WEEK. THAT I AM COMMITTED TO.THIS WAS THE BEST THING I COULD DO FOR ME. I AM SO GLAD I GAVE MYSELF THE TIME I NEEDED:)

I was paying bills which is always a time that I beat myself up emotionally for “not knowing better” when it comes to credit card debt and my divorce. Today was good because despite the frusteration I was able to see and acknowledge the progress I have made and try to be patient through the process of paying the cards off. I did not make the debt overnight and I didn’t make it alone. But I will pay it off by myself and know that I am better off. I also stayed at home and cleaned out a few closets….It was a good day

I can give any of my sisters or best friends all the love and support in the world, yet I cannot do this for myself. I look at me with a critical eye. I Unfairly judge my past choices and even when it is clear I made the best choices at the time with the information I had. I think I should have known better that I was just sloppy and not paying attention.

I had a patient, my favorite patient, she will be in my heart forever, her name was Rose. She was a heroin and crack addict she had just been at the soup kitchen and was so sick that she passed out on the sidewalk and someone called 911. She ended up with having a simple tooth infection and because she did not have it treated she had endocarditis, and infection in her heart. She needed a new valve in her heart because it had been badly damaged from the infection. There were a lot of other people in the hospital that saw her as a drug addict who made her own life and this was a result of her choices and gave up on helping her. I washed her hair six times one day and she started to cry saying that was the first time her hair had been washed in months. I brought her a basket of shampoo, conditioner, new brushes, hair dye, lotion, and body spray. You would have thought I gave her the world. She was so grateful. I loved her she was a good person despite her choices and her life. She died and I still cry when I think of her. She refused to have heart surgery to save her life. She told me she wanted peace, and she was tired of the struggle. She died a few weeks later. I came into work and remember not seeing her name on the cencus board…I cried in the bathroom for a few mins and thought about how this is what she wanted. She had no funeral, there was no one to go. I think of her often and remember how special she was despite her life choices and mistakes…..Why can’t I see myself through those same eyes and see the beauty in my own life??