stop worrying

i’ve come to the conclusion that i worry about anything (yesterday it was a ‘for sale’ sign, the day before a broken glass bottle, today it’s the stock market). i’ll find something to worry about, even when everything’s great. i’d like to think i’ve now got the appropriate coping mechanism to stop minor worries from taking over my day to day existence.

so i haven’t finished yet. boo!

but i’m still on the way. yay!

by my calculations i’ve got 12 weeks left. then i’m done. nothing affecting my mood other than my own thoughts.

phew.

anyway. onwards. upwards. etc.

So i’m still on my way out – but today has added an interesting twist. I woke up this morning with a very strange feeling. I’m intensely dizzy (think of that 20 minutes before you’re sick when over drunkened. that dizzy) and oddly detached. I walked in to work and a real sense of, well, not quite being there.

Very odd.

It would almost be enjoyable if I didn’t have a shedload of work to get done. Erk.

i’ve got 70 days before i should be able to mark this done (don’t ask ;) – it’s been a long, difficult time, but i’ve learnt more about myself than i thought i ever could and would like to think i’m a better, more rounded, person for the experience.

i read a terrible article a few months back about people who feel bad about themselves/their situation and how ridiculous it was to expect them to pull themselves out of that state using any form of self-help/analysis. i completely disagree, there’s a chunk of me that’s always wanted to get better, and a chunk (somewhat smaller than it used to be, thankfully) determined not to. it’s just a matter of finding a technique to train the first chunk until it becomes the major voice again.

so, anyway, someone ask me how i feel on the 15th february next year :)

(disclaimer: this isn’t supposed to be smug bragging. just a reminder to myself in a few weeks time that i’ve never had it so good)

not so good stuff: woke up with sore legs from running. didn’t manage to give blood yesterday due to my recent trip to the US (west nile virus means you have to wait 28 days. oops). feel pretty knackered with a cold.

good stuff: i’m running! and can run 6km without stopping. i’m giving blood regularly and managed to convince 3 other people to start as well! and cold remedies and coffee gives you a very odd, and worryingly pleasant, buzz.

great stuff: i spent last night doing geeky stuff learning about particle mechanics, and drank a very, very nice bottle of beer (i go to cornelius, 18 easter road, edinburgh. you should too, if you can!). i walked to work in the sun with my stunning girlfriend this morning. i stopped enroute to have a tasty mocha and a pastry from my favourite coffe shop, where i watched the world go by as they played blur’s ‘coffee & tv’ (an old fave). i’m spending tonight eating fine food and guzzling fine wine with good friends. i’m spending tomorrow night climbing, and feeling good about my abilities. i’m spending the weekend with my fantastic family.

in a fornight i’ll be 27, and it’ll have been a year since my sister noticed my trough and made me sit up and do something about it. it’s been a tough time, but it feels like i’m beginning to pull out of it and into a better state of mind. i’ve just got to remember the good stuff. and it’s almost all good stuff.

as i said at the start – more of a note to self. so apologies for the self-indulgence. but it’s quite liberating :D

on the upswing of it all today. had a fantastic couple of days – can’t stop smiling…

i had a realisation about myself the other day. was sitting in the park on a sunny evening, enjoying a bottle of wine with my girlfriend. my first feeling on sitting down was ‘oh, the sun will be down soon, and we’ll have to go in’. as it was, we got bored well before that. my stupid worries were for nothing. and stopped me enjoying the moment. if only i could extrapolate that…

i also reacted yesterday in a positive way. i went for a run. felt so much better afterwards. exercise is definitely recommended.