NOT see or contact him in any way/any form for 60 days

...just checking in with everyone. Have had a traumatic personal event in my life which has put things into perspective and my feelings for him in the backseat.

I have not completed this goal as it stated (60 days with no contact) but he is now out of my head and I am going to move on. In that way I have completed the actual intention of this goal.

Best luck to all of you, I’ll check in and if my feeling change back (I hope not though) I’ll post entries again.

I thought of a few reasons to contact him today…a movie I wanted to tell him about, to wish him well over the weekend – but I didn’t contact him in any way.

IN MY MIND he really isn’t all that great. I doubt he would ever give me a secure feeling if I was with him.

BUT MY HEART won’t let him leave my thoughts. I want him out of my head. I want to stop wanting him to want me. I want to stop feeling like I was rejected by him, used by him, taken advantage of, lied to. I cannot confirm these things but I also cannot confirm that he has integrity. I would love to give him the benefit of the doubt, wish him well and STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM.

Usually in order for me to move on I need another man in my life, a better man, and then I can let go. Sometimes I know I am beautiful and worthy and sometimes I feel worthless. I know I need to feel good about myself, inside of me, and not let someone else define me. I know I need to do this but aside from what Dr. Phil says, something about “changing your internal dialogue”, I need to figure out the steps I need to take to let go of him and be okay, acutally wonderful, without him or any other man. I need to do this before moving into another relationship.

This day 1 was easier than my 1st day one. He was supposed to call work today but didn’t. I directed my coworkers to send his calls (though they would be business calls) to my voicemail. Last time we talked he pulled me…asking personal questions. I don’t want to be his friend. I already have friends and I don’t really think it tends to work out being “friends” with someone you once slept with. I don’t think I want to keep in touch with him at all…at least that’s how I feel today.

I need to work on completely letting go of him, letting go of the idea of a future, letting go of the feeling that he is better than me. My mind knows I’m better than him but my heart feels rejected…I NEED TO LET GO. I need to stop wanting him to contact me. I need to stop wishing time would move forward quickly, to a time when circurstances are right and we can be together. I cannot put my life on hold. I cannot continue to torture myself with thoughts that he made me look like a chump!

What do I do tomorrow? Say he calls and is sent to voice mail; What if I need to answer a question… so I have to call him back? I couldn’t have someone else return his call (would be unprofessional for the secretary or the A/P person to return this sort of business call and there are currently no other means of contacting him). I just hope I can avoid contact and retain this business deal…somehow. :-/

I spoke with him a little over an hour ago so now I have to start over again. I guess I need to remind myself why I am doing this…something about getting him out of my head in order to work on myself. OK. This still seems like a good reason.

I spoke with him over the phone at work today. I called him like I would call any of my clients…once this part of the deal is finalized, there typically won’t be any reason for me to be in touch with him…any transactions would be handled by other departments. But for now, we will need to be in touch for another day or two. He asked personal questions and when I didn’t really respond he asked if I could talk (meaning did I have privacy) and I said no. He asked me to call him after work and agreed. Then I told myself I wouldn’t but ended up calling him anyway. We both agree that there is not a solid enough foundation for either of us to continue/start a relationship but I question if that is actually how he feels. Is that his true reason or is it me? Why wouldn’t he be in to me? I guess it’s just hard to imagine a man making a responsible, wise decision. Why didn’t he “figure this out” before we started seeing each other? Each time we talk, even today, I got off the phone wondering how he felt about what I had to say. Did it make him think less of me or make him want me more? It seems that if he still wants to talk with me then it wasn’t me he didn’t want to be with, it was just not the right time for us to start a relationship.

So tomorrow starts day 1 again. He said he was going to call at work and I will keep it work related.

Not only did I send him a text message yesterday, but also the day before and the day before that he called and asked personal questions and I baited him to see if he would cross the line. He went so far as to ask about my weekend plans. When I told him he said he was going to show up and “spy on me”...now he said this in sort of a joking manner but I believe there is no such thing as pure humor. I must respect that he did not totally cross the line by asking who I was going with – he wouldn’t do that, he has integrity and realizes he now has no right to ask such a question…i knew he wanted to know though, was hoping I would offer the information but i offered just enough to get the wheels in his head spinning. he knows i’m a good mom and makes it a point of telling me what activities he’s done with his son – trying to impress me. any guy who wants to get my attention shows me “how interested” they are in my child or children in general. WHATEVER!

Had a good date with the new guy. He was in to me as a person and wanted to get to know me better. He’s at the point in his life where he wants a commitment, a family, would gladly want this from me but I cannot give this to him. he is great but not the one for me. maybe now is the time for me to really work on myself…and that would be a good explanation as to why I can’t see him again. i just want someone to take me out once or twice a week and have sex with. that sounds horrible like what a man would say but really that’s all i want. what’s funny is that if i chose to do that with someone, really just be unavailable they would want to be with me 100 times more than if i was someone looking for a commitment.

Day 1…I’ll make it through day one again. It should actually be day 10.

we had a few more conversations, all work related and i am starting to see more of his bad qualities. he was supposed to finalize the deal with one more fax and one more phone call then there would be no other necessary interactions. but he did not call to finish. i do not think it was due to him wanting to talk to me more, i think it was due to his poor time management skills. like i said, i don’t think he would ever have much to offer me – and i do not ask for much.

NEW GUY: There is this new guy and we are going out for the first time this weekend. He is a good man. Every other guys initial attraction towards me has been physical/sexual. He likes ME and wants to get to know me. he thinks i am a good person. he will not hurt me or use me. his intentions towards me are good. i love his being but for now we’ll just go out and have a good time and i will be forward with him from the start that i cannot offer anything more than that.

He called and it was work related. He asked a couple personal questions but I kept the answers bried. We’ve had about 5 phone conversations between today and yesterday and I am not acting any different than I would act towards another client. He has been under a ton of stress (which is one of the reasons the timing is not right for us) but I am not going to let him lean on me. AND HE DID WANT TO COME BY HERE but I told him to use the mail and his fax machine so that’s what he is doing. I don’t want to see him, just want to be over him. He would be lucky to have me but I doubt he will ever have much to offer.

No contact at all yesterday…he did not even call for the work related issue that he should have already taken care of – he’s always been flighty like that. Feeling like a chump, worried that when the “time is right” for us to be together, he won’t remember me…sure I’ll be past him by then as well. thoughts of him having good intentions are fading – now reading into things and questioning his motives and whether or not he was a good/genuine person. i suppose this is a process i have to go through.

i have a date later this week with a good guy. no feelings and not interested in anything serious at this time. he is so nice and is the male version of me as far as interests. i will be straight forward with him…i am a genuine person and would not lead someone on. should have fun and hopefully think about “him” less.

He did not call but I did call him. I am still going to call this day 6 because the call was work related and I thought about how I would handle this work related issue with any other client. Not calling him as a client would have only been because it was him. The conversation stayed work related besides him commenting on being sick for the past few days but I wrapped up the conversation as I would with any other client. The good news: 1) His voice sort of irritated me today. 2) In my mind, I know he really does not have a lot to offer me. 3) I thought about how picky he is…so annoying. 4) I big part of this whole thing is my insecurity about how he feels about me. I feel how I feel but honestly I probably would have gotten fed up with him and left him anyway.

He said he’d call tomorrow to wrap up the work issue but I won’t count on it due to his poor time management skills and flakiness.

I am feeling ‘okay’ about him and the situation today. I almost sent him a text message with a (sort of naughty) picture. I took the picture of myself, dialed his number and thought for a minute – about how it would make me feel after I sent it, about what he would think of me (and sure he would think of me but in an erotic way), about how it wouldn’t help me GET HIM OUT OF MY HEAD~!!, and I THOUGHT ABOUT YOU GUYS. You all have been supportive whether it be through reading your entries, or receiving direct input/advice from you. I did not think you would be disappointed if I sent the message rather I thought you would be proud and encouraged if I refrained. Maybe what I am saying here will encourage you stop for a minute and THINK before one of you does something you know will not help your progress.

Well, tomorrow is Monday and I have a feeling he will contact me at work and I will stop and think about what reaction will help my progress….