live with integrity

I created an entry about missing the 43T friends who are gone now. Feeling my feelings and expressing them is part of my committment to my integrity. So I am doing that even though the friends who are gone probably won’t ever read this.

I sometimes wonder if those who left had some problem with me, but I know that kind of thinking is crazy making and doesn’t do me any good. If they did have some problem and choose to tell me about it then I would have concrete information to deal with. But creating a fantasy about what went on in someone’s head who will probably never tell me what was going on, isn’t a useful experience or a good way to spend my energy.

It’s a bit difficult to let go of at times, depending on who the person was and how much of myself I had invested in the connection, but its completely out of my control.
Of course, the reasons for someone’s departure has nothing to do with me anyway.

I had a date tonight with a woman from the dating service I belong to. It was pleasant but she talked on and on about how much she disliked the dating scene and the men she had dated. So after a while I changed the subject to more about her and me. After that it went well and I was mindful of staying in the present moment and being real, i.e. being myself.

But then she said she had to go early because of some committment to her son and that she didn’t want to exchange phone #’s or have another date.

So, I felt cheated because she seemed to dominate the conversation and then left early and I never got to the questions that would have been important to me and I was left with, “what did she base her decision on anyway?”

I would have liked to know what she was looking for in a relationship and I usually ask that question but I never got to it tonight.

So, now that I have had time to think, I realize I didn’t completely honor my integrity because I didn’t express my dissapointment to her. So I see now that I let her do it to me. If I had asked for what I wanted, the result might have been the same but I wouldn’t have this sense of regret and failure (I should note that it isn’t a huge dose of regret and failure but it is there).

Is honoring my spirit. I have spent much of my life ignoring what and where my spirit was leading me, to the detriment of my life and happiness.

I took a course a year or so ago called Warrior Spirit and it helped me see the value and gave me the courage to make my spirit the most important counselor I have. My personal faith is a large part of that but it also includes much of what I have learned through experience on this planet.

What friends and others say is important to me but in the end it is my own conscience, values and spirit that decides for me, even if everyone else thinks I am crazy.

So yesterday I saw a presentation for joining a dating service. I suspected it would be expensive and decided before going in that I wanted to honor my committment to reducing my expenses and improving my finances.

So it was over $6000 and they kept reducing it and finally ended at $1800. But I still said no. Hooray!!!!!

So I kept my word, which felt good. I also felt a little sad because the service looked pretty good but they aren’t going anywhere and when things change for me I can always go back.

Or maybe I will find the woman of my dreams on my own!

This means following the path that your spirit leads, regardless of what the world says. Pay attention to what those close to you say and in the end let your spirit be the guide.