become closer to God

But I assume it can only be through God. I need to become a better person. A kinder person. A person who thinks before she speaks. A person who remembers what is appropriate conversation, and what is not. A person who needs to let go of the “self” attitude, and focus more on others. A person who people can come to- not listen to. Right now, I hate myself. And I hate myself because I am selfish. But I don’t know how else to live. What is the line between being strong or standing up for yourself- and just being selfish? What is the line between being truly hurt- and being selfishly hurt? It doesn’t seem to matter how much I try to change- to be a better person- I still hate who I am. Because I struggle with selfish behavior more than anything. I struggle with who I want to be and who I am. And I hate what I see in the mirror, looking back at me.

that so few people have this on their list.

To be added when I mark something off: Let go and let God.

So I gave up drinking for lent, and it ended on Sunday. And it was so uneventful. I remember what Easter is like back home, with the children and egg hunts, and amazing lectures, and gorging on chocolate after going SO LONG without it. And this Sunday, the lecture was boring and I didn’t get anything from it. There were no eggs, no baskets, no pink dresses and other light colors, no huge family gathering in celebration, no day of rest (cause I went to work), and I’m amazed at how life changes. Cause it seemed normal. I’m not saying it was a bad day, in fact I was with the two friends I love more than anything… it was just very, very different. And I’m still learning what it’s like to live so far away from “home.”

I will say one thing though, I didn’t gorge myself drinking- and I don’t plan to. I never had a problem, but I’ve realize how unnecessary it can be. So revelations happened, which is what lent is all about.

So I’m being patient, and waiting for direction. And he’s not talking. I’m fine with it, for now. I realize he only talks when you have to know something… I just wish he would be more visible everyday. So I’m being patient, again. And he’s being silent, agian. Sure silence can be comforting and peaceful and necessary. But sometimes it sucks.

I would rather God answer with a no instead of not answering at all…. and he did. Damn it, he said “No. Patience.”

I seem to have trouble trusting. Having faith. Being open and willing to accept His will and not my own. I am having a hard time now. But I have a few friends that he speaks through. Saying the right words at the right times and it still pisses me off that it’s not what I want to hear. But he has to be there. He has to be listening. Otherwise I would never have the most amazing friends a person could ever ask for. I only have a few that awesome… but a few is all I need. They are tiny miracles dropped into my life to make everything okay, even when it feels like it will never be okay. And when I feel like he’s ignoring me, they are there to be his words. To be his comfort. To be everything I need through the hard times. And for these friends, I could never thank him enough.

It’s hard when he doesn’t respond.

This is a goal I intend to never check off. I hope that I can constantly strive for this, and it breaks my heart that more people don’t want this.