develop a sustainable relationship

Even when A and I disagree, or I bite his dick off, as he puts it, we end up laughing (e.g., today I got a $100 parking ticket for leaving my car parked out front during rush hour, and he asked, “Why did you do that?” so I had to tell him what a ridiculous question that was; he apologized, and made a joke, and we laughed). He’s got just the right amount of vulnerability and responsibility. And I am able to figure out how to ask for what I need from him. He doesn’t always do it right away – for example, he has trouble controlling his impulse to push the buttons when I’m buying a train ticket from a machine, when I need to learn how to do it myself! – but I can address it without either of us feeling wretched.

He’s just, overall, not annoying, and we tend to want to do the same things, from the small details, like what to eat for breakfast, to the big picture, like where to live. He worries about me a bit, but in general, his optimism and sunniness and happiness that we’re together wins out. The main concern is that we are so wrapped up in each other, and in enjoying the small pleasures of life together we seem to forget about silly stuff like work! (I’m sure this will pass, but I do need to find a separate work space to begin to create some structure.)

that when someone tells me something I already know:

• they’re just trying to be helpful
• they have no way of knowing that I know
• it’s probably not as obvious to them as it is to me
• it really is no judgment on my intelligence

and especially…

• there is no need to get shirty with them about it; “thanks, yeah, I know” is probably fine

Mr L is Catholic, and I’m Jewish, so we share a cultural susceptibility to guilt. In my family, I am usually the guilt-ee – i.e., my mother makes me feel guilty. But I have found myself projecting my own bad feelings onto Mr L, now that I’ve realized that he can, in fact, take on guilt himself.

I really, really don’t want to turn into my mother and be the guiltor in this relationship. I have to be very careful not to take advantage. It’s not a healthy pattern at all, for either or both of us.

This morning, for example, he didn’t call first thing, nor had he called even an hour later, though he said he would call this morning (as he has each morning for the past couple weeks). Not sure what was going on, I called him, and he was just wrapped up in some listening for a review he was writing. Didn’t even acknowledge that he hadn’t called. I was annoyed because I had been waiting to shower, eat breakfast, etc., till I heard from him – basically building my morning around his call, which I’ve gotten in the habit of. But he wouldn’t know that, would he? I thought about calling him on it, then I realized, no, I can just go about my morning, and if he calls, fine, and if not, that’s fine, too. It also isn’t a test of his love…. he was just going about his life. As I should. And, in return, I shouldn’t play any games – i.e., I’ll call him if I want to and have time tonight, and if not, he’ll live.

that neither of us is scared. Of course he never has exhibited typical scared behavior when I thought he might, all those months when I was in his face trying to get his attention, and now, well… So there are all these declarations – soulmate here, L-word there – which should make me nervous, and yet… I believe him. First of all he knows it’s early and he might be getting ahead of himself. Second of all, I can tell that he gets me, that he sees just who I am, that there’s not some fantasy-Cloudberry of his creation standing between him and me, so it makes sense, and I can feel, suddenly, sure enough of myself and my worthiness to believe that what he is telling me is just the truth.

We deserve this.

but starting in a much better place: mutually delighted and entzückt!

I’m just so pleased that the last 3 1/2 months of going after Mr L have not been a mere fantasy and distraction, and have resulted in something really supexiting and sweet. I am slightly concerned that he’s the one who’s off his gourd at the moment; his declarations are really impressive. However: he’s basically a trusting, open soul with a big heart and no baggage who’s not afraid to take a chance, and – more importantly – I sense that he really gets me like no one else has in a long time. In other words, even though we still have plenty of getting to know each other to do, I get the sense that he’s actually seeing who I am. So, who knows, but so far, all signs are to the very, very good, and I am inspired to bravery myself.