see the big picture and work toward it

to say that I had a really good day yesterday, doing something I liked at my own pace: printing my own photos and making cards from them, and figuring out what I needed to do to move forward. Had a nice, healthy lunch, walked into town with A to look for a couple more supplies, and stopped at the pub on the way back as A fancied a Jaipur. Over beer and peanuts we talked about our other business and I found him a bit more open – I think he prefers the idea, since it’s actually in his area, to taking on some random crappy job just because we need the income. Then we came home and made pita bread, and had it with some leftovers – it’s good when we can feed ourselves well.

Unfortunately I have lost my tolerance for alcohol and, after the initial buzz, I found I felt draggy, and then didn’t sleep well.

Other than that, though, I could see living that way.

Maybe it’s the spring weather, but it feels as though something has shifted.

We went to our future city, N, this week so I could get elected as Hon. Secretary (volunteer job) of the congregation I fell in love with there (though I’ve realised more recently that they are having a few ith-thues, some of which I might be able to help with). Then, a few RightMove rental and sale listings in hand, we wandered around looking at houses and straining our brains jointly and individually to try and make some decisions, trying to ward off unsolicited, off-base life, financial and career advice from A’s brother, who was putting us up. (It turns out he’s dealing with stress of his own and slotting family members unwittingly into his plan for the universe is one of his odd ways of coping. Bit hard to take, especially as we’re middle aged and neither asking for help or even showing signs of needing it.)

Anyway, today, having returned to our own environment, I’m starting to see a path through the confusion. Unexpectedly, I came across a couple of jobs in N that I can enjoy considering. And we’re mostly decided that renting – again – temporarily so that we can focus on increasing our income to a level where we’d qualify for a mortgage could be more depressing than it’s worth. I have learned that – for me – it’s rarely a good idea to defer the life I want to live, as being in a sub-optimal space doesn’t help me function well. But to be certain, we need to talk to an actual mortgage expert for guidance.

Meanwhile, there is an app to be built, and it makes sense that I should take advantage as much of the local industry as possible, and follow up on the good contacts I’ve made here. Moving to N and working on my own too soon, in a field where I’m just learning, could be counter-productive.

Arriba y adelante!

funny, every time I start to think about it, I notice the beginning of an existential crisis. Obviously I don’t know what the fuck this alleged’big picture’ is meant to look like.

Maybe it’s easier to consume life in small, focused bites, daily, rather than freaking myself out with Philosophical Questions.

via an evidence-based medicine listserv, I received listings of not one but three totally lovely contract jobs of varying length in the area of health care implementation science that would be a feather in my cap and a ton of fun and exactly what I want to learn about. Yes, they’re in England, which is not a coincidence; they simply don’t have such jobs here. Even if Mr. London were not in the picture, I would be thrilled to pursue such an opportunity.

So, if I were to tell Mr. London that, would he believe me? Or would he disappear off my radar in a millisecond? And when is the right time to tell him I’m applying for these jobs?

Things are shifting. Lots of stuff going on in my head, and I’m crispy-frazzled like a bloomin’ onion right now, but I am starting to feel or unstuck. Or at least I can see what getting unstuck looks like, and maybe even where it goes.

Trouble is, I’m lost in fantasyland. Bad enough to meet a compelling young man who lives on the other side of the Atlantic and indulge in a wacky crush based on 2 or 3 hours together… now he’s taunting me with visions of a country house where he’s relocating with his brother’s family, and I’ve been able in short order to project all my neo-hippie/earth mother/Martha Stewart domestic fantasies onto his new life – and I even told him about it! (OK, he doesn’t know explicitly that they’re really about me.)

The good thing is that it’s become clear to me that all these visions are arising as one of many possible alternatives to the deep dissatisfaction and frustration I’m going through here in DC. Part of the stuckness is literally a fear of being without health insurance, or of not supporting myself in this crap economy. But I have some resources. And they could be portable – though not necessarily to the UK!

Part of the compelling nature of the fantasy is the possibility of sharing life with someone else, and not only making decisions for my own benefit any longer (which includes the decision not to budge).

an email advertising my dream job! :-)

Only downside… it’s not in Portland. :-(

When I was in 7th grade, my mother told me I’d never be a scientist, because I’d never be good enough to win the Nobel prize, so what was the point? That pissed me off, and I took it as a challenge and became a (really mediocre) scientist, just to prove her wrong.

Her logic was, in fact, pretty clueless. She obviously doesn’t know the first thing about science – it takes a lot of really good scientists to create a body of knowledge, because it’s so incremental, and very few people are able to come up with something so fundamental as to merit a Nobel prize.

However, if she’d said something like, “You know, scientists are very organized and systematic, and while you have a great brain and lots of talents, I don’t see organization as one of your strengths,” that would’ve made more sense.

But then again, because she was clueless about science, she wouldn’t have known that, and she probably wouldn’t have said it that supportively either, so I might still have gotten pissed off and spent the next 20 years trying to prove her wrong.

Oh well.

Have fun is surely part of this goal, but something tells me I need to be a little more strategic to ensure that even that happens.

Someone I was on a date with recently pointed out that I was a little unsure of my life’s path. I guess that’s true, but does it matter? and if he noticed, does that mean it’s a deal breaker for him and perhaps others, or is it just because he’s from DC and has a job he likes and a kid? I would like to spend more time doing music, but does that mean I want to make a career of it, or have the chops? I’m thinking that, realistically, it’s not too likely.

Most people my age have either a career they like or kids to bring up, or both. I don’t have either. I have a lot of dreams, or rather fantasy scenarios, mostly involving a particular kind of little bungalow with a porch, a garden, a dog, some hot and sensitive guy living there with me, etc. It doesn’t really involve a particular career path. I don’t like working in an office, and resent my job eating up my life, and haven’t figured out an alternative. Oh, and I haven’t won the lottery yet.

Pretty sure my “path” doesn’t include living in DC for the rest of my life. So what do I do – just move randomly someplace where I don’t know anyone because they have cute bungalows there that I can afford?

Basically I’m not sure whether I should be worried about this or not. At least I’m supporting myself, don’t have to worry that I’m going to accidentally poison or somehow warp my kids, and don’t have to put up with someone else’s cooking.

I don’t even know what the big picture looks like anymore. I’m sort of waiting to see what happens next within a range of possibilities, the first priority being able to support myself decently and have health insurance.

It’s possible that music will be easier again if I get a full-time job. It’s possible that whatever full-time job comes my way will be brilliant. It’s possible that next week someone I contacted 8 months ago will suddenly call and say, “Hey, we need you to travel the country convincing hospital execs of the case for quality. Only 20 hours a week; name your price.”

Granted some scenarios are more likely than others. I think the main thing to do is be flexible and stay disciplined about following up on possibilities.

I do think I need to sit down and actually go somewhere with this. The tricky part is that so much in life is essentially unpredictable. The other thing is that I’m starting to notice that my relationship with A may be impeding this goal.

By the way, I’m about to get way more wordy and introspective than I usually do on 43T, so I hope I don’t put off any of my dear friends and subscribers; I just thought it would be a helpful place for me to process this. Take what you like and leave the rest, as they say in Al-Anon, or just skip it altogether.

A is, at times, a very lovable person, and I’m pretty sure I fell for him at first sight, 3 1/2 years ago. After we met I found out that he hadn’t worked for a long time, and was supported by his folks, though not adequately, and is also messed up in other ways. Meh, I thought, he’s still wonderful to talk to, and good company. Beneath the surface, though, I think I started to get into a codependent thing where I wanted to rescue him – i.e., all he needs is the love and support of a good woman, blah blah. So I’ve been going to aforementioned Al-Anon meetings to support myself in getting over that.

But can I get over it? And/or does wanting to rescue him constitute the bulk of my affection for him? And is what I get back from him – now there’s a question I’m not used to answering – enough to make it worthwhile?

Because I’ve noticed that I have been expending a lot of energy taking care of him. OK, his mother died a week and a half ago, so he’s not his usual self. Or, he’s more of his usual self than he has been. I don’t know. He’s improving, but is it fast enough? Am I still too wedded (pun absolutely not intended!) to some future A who might never come to exist?

All of this might be OK if I were more secure in the rest of my life. What I’m feeling most is a lack of direction. I’m interested in so many things that I feel overwhelmed. It’s hard for me to pick one thing and just go with it; my attention span is not that great. (As a reminder, I left my job back in February to pursue independent consulting in my field and to do more music.) And at the same time I’m lonely in my work life, whatever it is right now.

What I want is to find a work-partner to move forward with me on some project of mutual interest, so we can motivate each other. A actually has, on one level, the potential for that – he has lots of time and many skills/interests in common with me, and lots more knowledge in some areas. But he doesn’t stick to anything. His motto is “One day at a time” – great, but he thinks that means you don’t have to plan or commit to anything. Oh, and he doesn’t know what he wants from the relationship (I asked him), nor I don’t think he’ll be able to pull his own weight financially anytime soon.

So for the last few weeks I have spent more time taking care of A emotionally (to the extent he’ll let me) – and goofing around on 43T – than I have moving ahead with the big picture. When I broach it to him (“A, what am I going to do with my life?” in a light tone, I swear) he doesn’t want to talk about it. OK, so he’s not my shrink. Still…

I am so scared to be alone, and am better off with a partner in many ways, but clearly it’s more important to be doing what I want to do with my life. Or is it? (By the way, the feeling that I’m a traitor to feminism doesn’t help much…)

Sigh. Dammit.