I do think I need to sit down and actually go somewhere with this. The tricky part is that so much in life is essentially unpredictable. The other thing is that I’m starting to notice that my relationship with A may be impeding this goal.
By the way, I’m about to get way more wordy and introspective than I usually do on 43T, so I hope I don’t put off any of my dear friends and subscribers; I just thought it would be a helpful place for me to process this. Take what you like and leave the rest, as they say in Al-Anon, or just skip it altogether.
A is, at times, a very lovable person, and I’m pretty sure I fell for him at first sight, 3 1/2 years ago. After we met I found out that he hadn’t worked for a long time, and was supported by his folks, though not adequately, and is also messed up in other ways. Meh, I thought, he’s still wonderful to talk to, and good company. Beneath the surface, though, I think I started to get into a codependent thing where I wanted to rescue him – i.e., all he needs is the love and support of a good woman, blah blah. So I’ve been going to aforementioned Al-Anon meetings to support myself in getting over that.
But can I get over it? And/or does wanting to rescue him constitute the bulk of my affection for him? And is what I get back from him – now there’s a question I’m not used to answering – enough to make it worthwhile?
Because I’ve noticed that I have been expending a lot of energy taking care of him. OK, his mother died a week and a half ago, so he’s not his usual self. Or, he’s more of his usual self than he has been. I don’t know. He’s improving, but is it fast enough? Am I still too wedded (pun absolutely not intended!) to some future A who might never come to exist?
All of this might be OK if I were more secure in the rest of my life. What I’m feeling most is a lack of direction. I’m interested in so many things that I feel overwhelmed. It’s hard for me to pick one thing and just go with it; my attention span is not that great. (As a reminder, I left my job back in February to pursue independent consulting in my field and to do more music.) And at the same time I’m lonely in my work life, whatever it is right now.
What I want is to find a work-partner to move forward with me on some project of mutual interest, so we can motivate each other. A actually has, on one level, the potential for that – he has lots of time and many skills/interests in common with me, and lots more knowledge in some areas. But he doesn’t stick to anything. His motto is “One day at a time” – great, but he thinks that means you don’t have to plan or commit to anything. Oh, and he doesn’t know what he wants from the relationship (I asked him), nor I don’t think he’ll be able to pull his own weight financially anytime soon.
So for the last few weeks I have spent more time taking care of A emotionally (to the extent he’ll let me) – and goofing around on 43T – than I have moving ahead with the big picture. When I broach it to him (“A, what am I going to do with my life?” in a light tone, I swear) he doesn’t want to talk about it. OK, so he’s not my shrink. Still…
I am so scared to be alone, and am better off with a partner in many ways, but clearly it’s more important to be doing what I want to do with my life. Or is it? (By the way, the feeling that I’m a traitor to feminism doesn’t help much…)