I originally posted this under “create a daily routine for unemployment” but I decided I didn’t want this post there, so I’m reposting here instead.

One of the things I planned to do during my unemployment is to continue on contract with my company as the Oral Examiner Trainer and Coordinator for our exam center. I had an email from my boss which I interpreted as meaning he wanted me to do it but we’d have to work out the details. I told a bunch of people I would be continuing in this capacity and that I would send out an email this afternoon telling them how to contact me. Now my boss says he has to talk to the people who are taking over my job “to see if they have any other ideas”. This sucks. I cannot believe how much they are er… well, I can’t think of a polite way to say what they are doing to me right now. I can’t help but feel terrible. I’ve given everything I had to this company over the past 6 years. I blame my job for the breakup of my last relationship. And no gratitude. For all I can tell, everyone thinks I did a terrible job here and they can’t wait to get rid of me. I know I can be abrasive at times and I’ve been too busy and burned out to manage everything, but this really hurts.

that for these next 6 work days, I will be working because I have to and not because I like to. All control has been taken away from me. I am given no direction and have no responsibility. I have become extraneous. It is no secret that everyone can’t wait for me to leave so they can get on with it.

I had hoped that by leaving at year’s end, I would be able to finish up the year and wrap up all the loose ends, and then let others pick up in the new year. However, there has been no passing of the standard here; things have quite simply been taken over, I am treated as though I am invisible. They act as though I couldn’t possibly know what is important to train others on. They even took it on themselves to plan my farewell party in my absence (and schedule it on an inconvenient date and time, because it suited everyone else – while I was in the next room and could very well have been consulted).

Anyway, just venting a bit. Somewhere where I am not liked or valued is not somewhere I belong, and I am grateful for the decision I have made. People elsewhere do respect and value me. I have to side with them. ;-) Soon, I think, the choices I have made will lead me to a place where I can truly say:

I work because I like to, not because I have to.

is torturing me. I only have about 11 days of work left but sometimes I don’t know if I can stand it. I’m so annoyed by everyone, their lack of skill, their lack of passion. I know it’s just because I’m so close to done, but it’s really torturing me!

I’m excited!

Some stuff happened today. I got a lead on a work opportunity, not a job exactly, but if it pans out for me it could be a good source of occasional income and a great resume-builder.

This brought me to a place where I allowed myself to state firmly and clearly to myself that I do not want another full-time job in January, and I knew that it was true.

I began to muse to myself on my lunch break about what I could do during the first six months of 2010 so that I can contribute financially to our household and not feel like a deadbeat girlfriend while still moving forward with my rapidly forming career plans.

Then, at 1:30 PM, I announced to my staff that I will be leaving the company on December 18. And all of a sudden, out of my mouth came this fully formed plan. It surprised the crap out of me! I had a semi-out-of-body experience. It was like I was standing there listening to myself saying I’m going to work on my Capstone Project, designing a new pre-college program for international students, and I’m going to study French, and train for a marathon, and do a yoga teacher training, and I’m going to work on plans for my new consulting business…

And instead of “that’s crazy talk”, the part of me watching said: DUDE. That’s a pretty awesome plan.

I’m so excited. If I can substitute teach sometimes, and work as a trainer in a couple of places (I think I can), and maybe sell some writing, I should be able to make enough money to fulfill my goals. I can collect unemployment if/when I’m not making money.

Could this be… the life I always dreamed of, even when I didn’t know what it was?!

It’s coming, it’s coming, it’s coming!

I can feel it.

So my boss has a pet project, his ex-boyfriend, a man in his 40s who has spent time in jail, can’t hold down a job, etc., etc. My boss S has taken on this man G as his personal project, even though they haven’t been together for many years.

When G had nowhere to live and no job, S took him in and let him sleep on his couch (for years now). For a while, G’s new bf lived there too. (Now he’s in jail for robbing banks though.) When S bought a new car, he gave his old one to G. When G kept losing his job because he couldn’t show up to work on time, S paid him to “maintain the building”. Eventually he got a title, “Operations Manager”, and a regular job helping out in the office part time. He got to work whenever he wanted, wear whatever he wanted, bring whomever he wanted into the office… well, you get the drift. Whatever policies there are, G is exempt.

I won’t bore you with the details but G has moved up the food chain. Now he has a position of some responsibility. Things are going down the toilet at a rapid rate… but there’s no point in saying anything to S, nothing’s ever done about it. Policies are applied randomly here and there, but G is untouchable. He’s unprofessional and terrible at the job, but it doesn’t seem to matter. I and my colleague have to work extra hard catching and fixing his mistakes and taking over responsibilities he can’t handle, but if we complain, we are the ones who are bad at our jobs and can’t handle workloads we clearly should be able to handle.

Now I find out that G has given a student some potentially bad immigration advice. This could reflect badly on us in so many ways. It could be really serious. It could also result in the student getting in trouble with immigration, maybe even losing his visa which he needs for his job as a pilot. This mistake may be repeated with several of this student’s friends.

Now I have talked to G about this and he swears that the last Registrar told him what to do. (She no longer works here because she had a breakdown… Hmmmmm…) It’s not my job to know anything about immigration but I’ve been around the block and I feel like this is not right. Part of me wants to see this come back to us. I want to see G cause serious problems for the company so he will have to be removed. But I don’t want these students to have negative consequences because of it, maybe even losing their livelihood, because we told them something that wasn’t true.

I’m not sure how G dealt with the situation – either he generated a false letter, a lie, or he generated a letter that could cause the student significant problems if he ever produced it at the border.

On one hand, it’s none of my business. On the other hand, it’s wrong of me not to interfere.

I’m just tired of getting in trouble for trying to do things right here. For trying to give quality and ethical service, like we used to.

Fiction? Oh, this isn’t fiction. I wish it was. This story is true. Like so many other unbelievable stories from my workplace. I just need out.

_{And I miss Joey right now. Joey, you gave me such good advice before, I wish you were here to at least listen and say you understand that I am unable to be effective because S is bad at his job. JOEEEEEEYYYYYYYYY come back!}

I’m so happy to have C to hang out with at the end of the day. Last night, though, I noticed I was getting irritated and he was only trying to help. But the truth is that I just don’t want to hear ideas for how I can make my job better. That may be dumb, but thinking of ways to improve my situation just make me feel more stressed out. It’s all I can do just to keep my equilibrium and feel OK there. I don’t have energy to try to solve problems or make things better. I just want to leave.

has hired the former GM of the company on a temp contract to develop a new program for us. Weird. Her status here is kind of ambiguous. She hired my boss when he started, many years ago, and built the company here, established many of the policies and procedures, etc. Officially, she’s on temp contract but I’ve noticed her asking a lot of perceptive questions and she seems to be onto a lot of the poor business decisions going on here, as well as maybe some of the morality issues. I’ve heard her nagging my boss about some of the projects he’s behind on. I’m not sure what she will do if she figures out some of the really inappropriate stuff going on; is she loyal to my boss because of their previous relationship, or would she blow the whistle and make a power move to take over?!

Today, she made a really perceptive comment and gave me a compliment about an aspect of my job I’m really passionate about. My boss has never given me positive feedback about this, one of my strengths. Little by little, the joy has gone out of my work. She brought a little bit of it back today. So easily.

I long to be managed, to be led, to be directed. This just makes me realize for real that my boss is not good at his job, and that I am not a bad employee but just poorly led.

Last Friday’s crisis – and my discussions of it both here and with others in my life – have helped me re-establish my confidence. I remain committed to finding out what it is I want to do next, to making a clear plan to get out of here and sticking to it. It is my job to lead this team until the day I leave. It is not my job to make everyone happy and it is not my job to be everyone’s friend. I need to do my job to the best of my ability, to find what it is I enjoy about being here every day, and to move forward with my plans to find something more fulfilling.

TGIF anyway. :D

I just found this article:
http://www.odemagazine.com/blogs/readers_blog/10177/the_secret_to_peace_is_acceptance

“Try this scenario: You really dislike your current job. Really dislike it. You want to quit, but for various reasons, you can’t. Rather than continue to resist the job, begin to find things you can appreciate (and therefore accept) about it. I’ve seen it work over and over again. When acceptance comes, change can happen.”