Be happy with what I have

of my goals list and Tarrador’s comments, I’m going to mark this done. I don’t think my problem is being happy with what I have any more. I have lots of other problems (LOL!) but they’re captured by other goals on my list right now.

When I selected this goal, I was really noticing the phenomenon of greed in myself, of wanting more than what I had for no good reason. I feel like that is not true of my current state.

Also, one of my yoga teachers often says “Never be satisfied” while we’re in a pose. She’s talking about avoiding complacence, just hanging out in a pose rather than taking the opportunity to continue to develop. That’s the other side of this continuum. It’s possible to hide behind “be happy with what I have,” to use this goal to justify accepting what should not be born, what can be changed.

Things are changing so rapidly at work, and not for the better. It’s difficult to let go of situations when I’m no longer consulted on decisions that used to be mine to make. I’d probably agree with the decisions, I just hate that things are announced now and there’s no pretext whatsoever of asking my opinion. And mixed messages all over the place in terms of what I should be doing. It’s hard because I sometimes feel that I am the scapegoat for all of the problems, and am constantly being set up for failure. I rarely receive praise nor constructive criticism of any kind. Meanwhile, someone here has been given an important position he is not suited for because of his personal relationship with the boss, and he can do no wrong.

Having said all this… I am trying to remind myself gently of this goal. I have a job, in many ways well suited to me, and in spite of the things that are frustrating, it gives me a good income that allows me to do other tings I love and/ or need to do right now. It allows me to live alone in a very expensive city, to be in school, to go out and have fun, to eat well. I have a man in my life whom I love, who both supports and challenges me, who will back me in trying to be the woman I dream of being and who will prompt me towards discovering what that means. I don’t know where I am heading, but I have numerous exciting possibilities open to me. I am in good health, and I have hobbies that engage me. I have good friends, I have sources of inspiration, I have so much good in my life.

Why spend time thinking about the few things that are not going as I would have them go? Why spend time feeling insulted or belittled when I know my own strengths? I am finally learning to catch these patterns when they begin, before working myself into a frenzy over them. Perhaps learning to be happy with what I have?

I was in such a pissy mood this morning! Washed my bus pass with my laundry last night, which means I got little white bits of paper all over my clothes AND I have to buy another pass which will cost me $36 unnecessary dollars. Plus it’s Monday morning, which means a crazy work day, and I’m stressed about school on top of that.

Then I got to work and there was a mysterious package on my desk with a book in it: The Joy of Living: Unlocking the Secret and Science of Happiness by Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. At first, I couldn’t figure out where it had come from. Then, I found the packing slip with the purchasers name: my friend Stephanie in Italy had had it sent to me out of the blue!

I cried, and I beamed, and I looked at the beautiful, compassionate, peaceful face of the monk on the cover – and I realized that the morning was just the way it needed to be. I may not have friends at work any more or hardly any friends in this town, but there are people in the world who love me and respect me and are thinking of me.

I am blessed.

...that I’m happy today. But I’m not sure that’s the same thing as being happy with what I have. I’m not falling into that trap (so familiar) of attributing my unhappiness to LACK of anything or to needing to make changes to my life. With deadline pressure, running into snag after snag on my research project, the engagement of my ex, the problems at work, and the fact that I haven’t had time to hang out with my boyfriend… (oh, and some PMS) all this means I can accept my dip in mood as a reasonable reaction. I can be a bit bummed… and still happy with what I have.

That’s quite a revelation.

... after a nasty meeting with the company owner, but I’m holding strong at a 5. I will bring my morale back up to at least this level, and will end the day feeling thankful. Yes, I will!

My ex called to tell me that he just got engaged to the woman he left me for. And even though my life is SO much better now, and I’m in love with somebody new, and I see the flaws in my relationship with my ex, and I feel like I’m a better person now – stronger and I know more what I want and who I want to be… and even though I don’t want him back…

It stings to hear this news. I am so angry. I want to hurt him, no, I want to obliterate him. I want him to beg me to take him back, and I want to say no. And I want to get married first. Because it’s what I always wanted, and not what he wanted.

But I don’t really want these things – do I? I love my life right now. I love my relationship. I need to let it go. And be happy with what I have. Already. Right. Here.

Phew.

I added this to the list today because I caught myself wanting more, more, more and not being present and enjoying what I have. I have so much right now. Why do I need more?!