stop overreacting

I started managing at the age of 27. Most of my staff was older than me, some nearly twice my age. I always felt I had something to prove. It’s been this way for me since I worked for my first company. I’m the type of person who is given responsibility above what you might expect for my age because I can handle it. I’ve always been a bit sensitive about being seen as “too young”.

I’ve also always been a perfectionist, something learned from my father and reinforced everywhere in my home and school environments. I expect so much of myself all the time.

Working with K, the woman mentioned in this post, has been such a learning experience for me. She has actually shown leadership and has mentored me a bit. Yesterday she was saying something about how challenging it had been for her to learn to bring up faults and problems in a way that didn’t grate on others’ nerves. She was so extremely tactful, but I knew for certain that she had honed in on one of my areas that needed work – and that she was giving me advice, very deliberately – that she was gently correcting me and showing me how I can make my strengths work for me without being overbearing. She sees herself in me and is giving me guidance, acting as a role model, encouraging me to develop into an effective leader. I have never had that before.

Suddenly I realized something: I am so young! (Bear with me, older friends, who surely already know this about me.) I have so much to learn about how to do this job. Things that K perhaps needed to learn once. She is more than 20 years older than me. I should not assume that she never struggled. I should not beat myself up or consider myself a failure as a manager because I have not yet learned how to be assertive without being aggressive or defensive. For one thing, I have had very few role models. It was an “oh duh” moment.

Over Thanksgiving, I spent some time with C’s 24-year-old sister. She seemed very young to me. I had great compassion for her troubles and wished I could tell her that they are all part of growing and life will look so different to her in 5-10 years. Today I realized that K probably sees me the same way. Just as C’s sister is unable to see clearly where she stands, so am I.

I am so young. Overreacting is part of that. It is not just some enormous personality flaw, but a skill I will learn over time.

but where the heck is the list of goals I’ve given up on?! LOL Anyone?! I would move goals over there temporarily, meaning to resurrect them, but now the list appears gone and I can’t look at it to decide which goals I’d like to revisit. If I type in retired goals, I can add them back but I can’t seem to view them in a list anywhere. Why would they change this?

OK, I’m not really overreacting (much), I just didn’t have anywhere else to post this. ;)

before reacting to things helps mitigate the response.

Work is the hardest. It’s hard for me to relinquish control and not take it personally when projects aren’t done well. I want every detail to be the best it can be and I struggle when others don’t show the same dedication.

this is a long hard road for me, I guess. C has now unfortunately had the opportunity to see me battling the stress reaction. It’s like you turn into a different person, he said. It’s true. It feels like I get possessed. It’s almost like I’m standing outside of my body watching myself get taken over and obsessed with negatives. However, even that is a huge step for me. I didn’t use to be able to separate from myself like that when it’s going on. I used to just get consumed. Anyway, C is a saint. Like no man I’ve ever dated, like no one I’ve ever known really, he’s able to maintain equilibrium and wait out the storm. But ugggghhh, he shouldn’t have to and I just hate putting him through that. Anyway, this got raised as a concern about moving in together; how will he get space away from me when I’m in the stress tornado?! I’m happy to hear him raise this point, to have it be on the table. And I know we’ll work out somehow. For years, I’ve wanted someone to just say calmly stop when I get triggered, to see if I’m able to actually just stop when reminded. I haven’t asked C yet to do that; maybe I should. (I’m kind of afraid I’ll just snap at him.) Anyway… the important this is I do not want to screw this one up. So I have additional motivation.

think I’m getting better at this. I guess I’m never going to be able to say that I absolutely never overreact. But I do think that most of the time I’m now able to either minimize my overreaction, or minimize my expression of it. That is, take time before discussing something that I’m inclined to overreact to.

I guess I’m becoming more conscious of both the triggers and the process, so I can see it coming. And that’s a huge step for me.

Not sure when to mark this done. Although it will never truly be done, I think I’ll mark it done when I feel that working on it is no longer a priority for me. That might be soon, not sure. Thinking about it.

kept myself in check yesterday. At least I’m trying. It’s hard not to overreact when there’s no support and my morale is being chipped away at little by little. At least my little spazzes are shorter than they were. I’m working on it.

September 30, 2009

Redirecting the Eruption

Lashing Out

Intense emotions demand intense modes of expression. While there are many outlets for the feelings typically deemed positive, however, there are far fewer methods for constructively coping with anger, frustration, fear, sadness, or stress. Consequently, such feelings can cause us to believe that we are no longer in control of our emotional state. Backed into a mental corner, we may lash out at the first individual we encounter. Most of us will quickly discover that our misdirected outpouring of fury has not relieved the pressure of our pain. Powerful emotions are like the lava in a volcano poised to erupt—held in check with nothing but an eroding layer of calm. Within us lies the power to direct the flood of feeling that surges forth by channeling it into productive, artistic, or laborious pursuits.

Retaking control of our emotions at their height can be difficult because our already negative feelings can convince us that others are deserving of our wrath. But if we consciously look for healthier ways of expressing what we feel, we can both safely dispel our pain and use the energy of that pain to add value to our lives. Anger and sadness, for example, can become the inspiration that induces us to dedicate ourselves to bringing about the change we wish to see in the world. If we act rather than react, we can become effective agents of positive transformation. When we channel our frustration or feelings of stress into outside-the-box thinking and proactive exploits, we are more apt to discover solutions to the issues that initially left us stymied. And if we view fear as a signal that we need to reexamine our circumstances rather than a cue to flee, we may gain new and unexpected insight into our lives.

Channeling your emotions into constructive action can also prevent you from engaging in cyclical rumination in which you repeatedly relive the situation, event, or expectation that originally sparked your feelings in your mind’s eye. Since you are focused on a goal, even if your ambition is merely to better understand yourself, your pain is no longer being fed by your intellectual and emotional energy and quickly ebbs away. You not only avoid lashing out at others, but you also actively take part in your own healing process while honestly acknowledging and honoring your feelings.

From http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/20518.html

From http://www.dailyom.com/articles/2009/20280.html

One question I have is how to find the balance between this optimism and making the necessary changes. It’s true that you have to find a positive attitude and create joy in even difficult situations, but it’s important not to let this stop you from leaving unpleasant situations when appropriate. Obviously, I’m struggling with this question particularly in my work context right now, although it could conceivably apply in a variety of situations.

I cross-posted from The Wolves Within because I couldn’t decide what goal this fit under more. I want to find the balance between over-reacting and under-reacting, so I think this belongs here as well.

Making Life Yours

Perception

There is no secret recipe for happiness and contentment. The individuals who move through life joyously have not necessarily been blessed with lives of abundance, love, success, and prosperity. Such people have, however, been blessed with the ability to take the circumstances they’ve been handed and make them into something great. Our individual realities are colored by perception—delight and despair come from within rather than without. Situations we regard as fortuitous please us while situations we judge inauspicious cause us no end of grief. Yet if we can look at all we have accomplished without dwelling on our perceived misfortune and make each new circumstance our own, the world as a whole becomes a brighter place. A simple shift in attitude can help us recognize and unearth the hidden potential for personal and outer world fulfillment in every event, every relationship, every duty, and every setback.

The universe is often an unpredictable and chaotic place, and the human tendency is to focus on the negative and assume the positive will care for itself. But life can be no more or no less than what you make of it. If you are working in a job you dislike, you can concentrate on the positive aspects of the position and approach your work with gusto. What can you do with this job that can turn it around so you do love it. When faced with the prospect of undertaking a task you fear, you can view it as an opportunity to discover what you are truly capable of doing. Similarly, unexpected events, when viewed as surprises, can add flavor to your existence. By choosing to love life no matter what crosses your path, you can create an atmosphere of jubilance that is wonderfully infectious. A change in perspective is all it takes to change your world, but you must be willing to adopt an optimistic, hopeful mind-set.

To make a conscious decision to be happy is not enough. You must learn to observe life’s complexities through the eyes of a child seeing everything for the first time. You must furthermore divest yourself of preconceived notions of what is good and what is bad so that you can appreciate the rich insights concealed in each stage of your life’s journey. And you must strive to discover the dual joys of wanting what you have. As you gradually shift your perspective, your existence will be imbued with happiness and contentment that will remain with you forever.

whether I’m over-reacting or not. It takes a small thing to put me in this dark place, a small thing to bring me out again. Can I really be expected to be calm with everything that happened at work in the last two days?! Do I ask too much of myself?!

Really, I know how the students feel when they come to my office and cry, and say M. picks on them and insults them and makes them feel small. I feel just the same way when he lights into me, in front of everyone. He’s so cruel.

I’m just trying to do my damn job the best I can with what I have, and not have it claim my soul.

Am I over-reacting?! F* * * this goal. I don’t even care about it today.

Or maybe that’s just me overreacting?! LOL