stay single

What it means to mark this goal off my list, is that I’m actually going to give this one a real chance and just believe. If I fall, I fall and there’s nothing I can do about it, not for now at least. What future might bring is up to the future and no concern of mine for the time being. Maybe I have my doubts – still – but I refuse to let suspicion rule my thoughts and feelings. I’ll just try to be true to my feelings and see where that takes me.

I have had this goal on my list for 15 months, I gave up on it for a while and about a year ago re-opened it, and ever since everything I’ve done (and haven’t done) has been a build-up to this moment. This goal was added for a very specific reason, at the time I needed to keep away from dating, men and relationships. I was such a wreck and so lost that I needed to get my head straight without the drama relationships inevitably bring to one’s life.

Gradually the original idea started transforming and changing, new ideas started sprouting and for a while I vehemently avoided all kind of communication with the opposite sex. Perhaps I needed to do that in order to realise I had gone too far – perhaps I needed to go that far in order to come back with more understanding.

I’ve always been quick with my actions, I’ve usually jumped into ‘relationships’ too early on. I’ve never really experienced the dating scene much – I’ve hooked up with guys at bars, but they’ve all been pretty much one-night stands (though sometimes without having sex…) and I’ve hardly ever met them again. I don’t know what it’s like to date a guy; to go out on a date and just talk and get to know the other person… Usually guys met at bars just want to have sex with me.

Lately I’ve started to think that I’d like to try that; to go out with someone without expectations of ending up in the same bed at the end of the night. I can vaguely remember that exciting feeling when you’re on a date with an interesting guy for the first time – last time that happened to me was over a year ago. A year and a half almost, and it just makes me wonder “where have I been all that time?”.

Sure, I needed time to come to this point, I’m not the same person I was when I added this goal and wrote the first entries. I know myself much better now and, more importantly, I appreciate myself a lot these days, I’m actually a damn good catch and dating me could be fun. That being said, I think I’m ready. I’m ready to start dating and meeting new people again and if I’m lucky, I might even find a nice guy that I wouldn’t mind sticking around for a bit longer. :)

Right now though, I’m not looking for a relationship or anything too serious. But I wouldn’t mind going out on dates every once in a while because a) I’d get to meet new people and b) it’d help me get out of my apartment more often. I feel I’ve been too stuck with myself for such a long time, it’d be refreshing to try to let new people into my life and see if new friendships sprout – and then start thinking about relationships if necessary.

Relationship-news from unexpected fronts make me feel weird. Today I was informed that one of my guy friends has found a girlfriend and it feels… strange. The fact that people around me are slowly pairing up kind of actualised in his news – I had never really paid attention to it. Now that I think of it, it’s rather weird, because two of my friends are already married/engaged and have children, another one is going to move in with her boyfriend on the other side of Finland… so many commitments, such deep bonds.

I don’t envy them because I’d want a similar life, I… it just makes me feel a little lonely, to be honest. I’ve all but given up on meeting anyone ‘special’, even though others still have faith in me finding someone too, one day.

I don’t know what I’m talking about here. I guess, the two years I’ve known him, he hasn’t dated anyone and I kind of got used to him being single and… now he’s not. Nothing has changed, I know, we’ll still be friends and all but it just feels strange. And I’m not jealous, there’s nothing like that between us, we’re just friends. :) I wonder who’ll be next to tell me they’ve found someone…

I’m not built for relationships. I can’t live with anyone else but myself, I can’t share myself and my life. Hell, I don’t even want to be with anyone. The only function a relationship would have in my life, would be having an unlimited source of attention and control over someone. I’ve been thinking about this a while now, always too timid to admit it to myself, but it’s a fact; forming emotional bonds is very difficult, almost impossible, for me. I do like a lot of people and if they’re happy it makes me happy, too, and I am interested in what’s going on in others’ lives but… I don’t feel a need to be around any of my friends, or my family, or anyone. I can go weeks, even months, without knowing what’s going on with some of my friends – and it doesn’t bother me one bit.

I’m not built for commitments. I don’t know how to explain this. The thing is, it’s very tiring to notice, day after day, how no-one sees the world the same way I do. In ordinary life it’s not a problem at all, quite the contrary, but how could I ever share myself and my life if the other person doesn’t understand me? In this case opposites do not perfect each other. It feels very unlikely this situation would change or that I could some day meet a person with a similar mind as mine plus build an emotional bond with the said person. I’ve already met a couple of people whose minds seemed to work quite similarly as mine; there’s just no deeper bond, merely an intellectual connection.

The thought of being single for ever doesn’t sadden or distress me, it actually fills me with happiness and tranquillity. Talk about a drama-free existence. If only I didn’t have the desperate need to still try, just in case I’d get proven wrong. I’m clinging on to delusions here, and I’m slowly starting to realise it. How could anyone else prove me wrong anyway, surely I’m the one who knows myself the best? I could have such a happy and fulfilling life if I just let go of these silly thoughts of keeping my eyes open just in case.

There is still so much to do, but at least this goal has a purpose again, something I can work towards.

I wonder how I always end up in situations like these. First there is nothing for months, and now I find myself confused again. Because of men.

There’s J who works for the same company, in a different department though, I met up with him today and he seems like a very nice man. Then I met N yesterday when I was in a bar with a friend, and N is someone who… I find very attractive. (he actually reminds me of a former ‘boyfriend’ a little, don’t know how messed up that is) The thing is, both of them, J and N, can’t be classified as ‘boys’ or even ‘guys’ anymore, they’re men. (well, not too old, 30-something) And… well, there’s a bit of an age difference there, and I can’t help but think that it can’t be anything but a hindrance.

I exchanged phone numbers with N, and it rather felt like there was some kind of a connection between us, and I swear, I’m attracted to him – or at least I was last night. Now I don’t know what to do with him. I’m sceptic, why would he contact me, he’s so much older than me, and if I don’t hear from him, should I just let it be? In a way I’d be interested in seeing how things could go between us, and if nothing else, it’d be nice to have him as a friend. How long should I wait, and should I contact him at all? Would it seem desperate?

And then there’s J. I had fun with him, though at times it was a bit hard to find a topic to talk about but that was just because we don’t know each other yet. I was quite sure he was interested in me even before I went to meet him today, and well, yes. The thing is, I don’t really feel the same way about him. I can’t resist attention, desire pulls me in, but I fear I might raise expectations more than I should. I’m so bad at letting anyone down, not because I don’t want to hurt anyone, it’s more because… well, it’s all that desire and attention. A completely new source, it’d be foolish to let it go right away…

You men. You make ordinary life so much more difficult. I don’t want to run after you, and I’m quite sure you don’t want that either, but how do I know when you’re interested and when you’re not? Exchanging numbers isn’t a promise anymore, so… why is it so difficult?

I’ve made a discovery concerning myself. It is something I’ve been aware of for some time already but I was never sure enough to fully believe my insights. Now, however, I’m certain. And I feel… so light-hearted and free.

Now take a moment to read this caption.
“This is how love was, now: Arnold sat and imagined he was being observed tenderly from an unapproachable distance by Amanda. She was everywhere and nowhere at once, watching him, as he sat here smoking on his beach, or whistling a tune in the shower, or listening to a lecture in class on the evils of Evolutionary Psychology. No matter where he went or what he did, Amanda was with him, and this sense of being observed, even as he slept, produced in Arnold a constant, consuming exhilaration from which there was no relief.
Not that he sought relief. In fact, he reveled in the excitement of love as only a teenager can, scrawling page after page of poetry in Amanda’s honor, sending hundreds of messages to her phone every day (which she never replied to, thankfully, because to have real contact with her, to start an actual dialogue, would ruin everything, and this was understood intuitively by Arnold and all the kids he knew).” (caption from God Is Dead by Ron Currie Jr.)

I wouldn’t go quite as far as Arnold in that caption, and my ‘love’ could only be described as a crush but otherwise, my thoughts are exactly like that. And this is the way my crushes work: the excitement, the suspension, even the pain it sometimes causes, they’re all gone the moment there is an actual contact between me and the other person involved (aka the object of the crush). The magic is ruined and gone, and then there’s just reality.

I don’t mean to say that getting to know someone for real is a bad thing, of course not, but when my crushes have no other basis than the imaginary world I’ve created for them, then they die when the image dies – when dreams get their wings clipped off by reality.

I used to be very sensitive about this, it would give me severe physical (not to mention mental) pain for days on end, and recovery was slow. As I’ve become more and more aware of myself and my self-esteem has increased tremendously, ‘getting over’ has become much easier. I don’t wallow in self-pity anymore, I don’t call myself stupid for letting myself indulge in dreams that were doomed right from the beginning. And, most importantly, I don’t think real life is unfair for being something else than my (day)dreams.

Crushes are crushes, and nothing more, and that’s good; how dull would life be if there weren’t these spikes of excitement from time to time? Remember that young man I’ve mentioned a couple of times, who works next to me, who is really cute? Yes, well he’s in a relationship. You’d think that was when I realised everything I’ve written thus far, but no, actually it all came to me before I learned he was taken. It was the moment I sent him a message on Facebook (just to ask how he was, nothing very interesting :)). Of course I didn’t realise it then, but that was the moment when reality took over imagination. It got real, and now I feel like I had been blindfolded before. Sure he’s cute, I would never deny that, but would I really want to be more than friends? No. I bet he’s a great guy, and I’m a great girl, but that’s about it. I was never interested in him particularly, I was just intoxicated by the idea of having a crush on someone.

Why I’m writing all this, is because this is the first time that I’ve really felt only positive vibes about everything concerning the matter; I’m not disappointed at all that he’s taken – I bet he’s happy and that’s great, I don’t feel stupid for daydreaming – at least it kept me busy for a while ;), it wasn’t painful at all to ‘accept’ the reality of things. And I don’t feel down, at all.

Stupid stupid stupid, someone please tell me it’s perfectly normal colleague-behaviour (even though technically we’re not colleagues and he isn’t obliged to notice me in any way) to greet me the way described here? But it could also be something else, right?

Ah, I knew I shouldn’t have started talking about this with a colleague… Now she got me imagining things again. Aww damn.

Ah, this is pathetic. But I want to get this out of my mind, I need to write it down in plain and simple words, with no hidden meanings. Maybe then I can come to terms with it and let go.

There is a guy at work whom I find very attractive. Well, actually he doesn’t work for the same company that I do, but we kind of work side by side, because his workplace is right next to where I work. Anyway, he is very good looking and has such delicious brown eyes that I think I could dive into them. Funny thing is, I don’t think I would have paid much attention to him if he hadn’t started greeting me each time we’d be working at the same time. I don’t even remember how it started, I don’t think I even realised it at first but nowadays… it really makes my day a bit better if he’s at work and waves at me or greets me some other way. Now that I see it written down, it doesn’t seem nearly as special as it did on my mind. That’s a good thing, it’s a start.

Because the things is, my imagination is racing again, painting thoughts that will never happen. Somehow I’ve managed to think that his greetings are something more than just ordinary “hey we work next to each other, so ‘hi!’”. I don’t know how to explain, I’m not even sure if there is anything to explain but it’s like… this is going to sound so stupid but he waves at me or really looks me in the eyes and greets me, sort of like he “makes sure” to greet me every time. And he’s the only one that does that, none of his colleagues never say anything to me. I’m fully aware I’m making a mountain out of a molehill, this kind of thing always happens.

What makes this even worse, is that I’m quite sure he is taken and my thoughts seem so improper and dirty, like I was trespassing on something “pure”. All this makes me sad, because I wouldn’t want to think like this. I guess the first bliss is wearing down already, I’m not quite as smitten as I was at first (I dreamed about him two nights in a row – that was pretty worrying, luckily now my dreams have been about other things) but I still feel these thoughts are wrong. I wish I could get rid of them altogether, this is doing me no good. I’ve never felt like this before or thought that my imaginations were improper, this is new and I don’t know how to interpret it.

I feel like a fool, and laying it all, down like this I let you, too, see just how much of a fool I am but it doesn’t matter. This is the fastest way to get over it and get on with my life again. This is no reason to stop, no reason at all.

This came up in a conversation about the need to have men around even though they’re really not necessary in any way. I’m merely talking about my experience, how I feel. It would make sense, to think there is an inherent “quality” in all of us that attracts us to the members of the opposite sex; biologically, its purpose is to ensure the continuity of the species, “natural attraction” – it’s in our nature, in the core of our being (the part which is closest to the rest of the living species on this planet, the need to survive and keep the race alive). But why, then, there are those who are clearly drawn to people of the same sex? The need of reproduction isn’t the reason to start a relationship with someone anymore but it does play a part, even if only unconsciously. Isn’t it so that people pair with people they feel most compatible with, just in case the necessity to produce an offspring became undeniable. What to make out of these same-sex partners? ^{(just a side-note, I have nothing against same-sex relationships, nor am I ever going to even hint otherwise)} Is it physical? Or mental? Does it even matter?

Perhaps not, not on a bigger scale, at least. It does matter to me, though, because I need to understand myself. I gravitate towards men, and sometimes they’re drawn towards me as well, and I need to understand why. Why I keep repeating a pattern, why I want men around, why it matters so much. If it was just a physical thing, with all the hormones, pheromones and so on, I could learn to control it. If it was just a mental thing, I could learn to control my thoughts and desires. But is there something more? Besides these two, some tiny aspect I keep missing over and over again?

I’ve tried to narrow down the reasons for my behaviour:

1. I need to feel I’m in control
2. I’ve noticed how easy it is to manipulate men (though there are exceptions, more on that later)
3. I need communal approval
4. It is the only way I feel attached to the world around me

And the explanations:

1.&2.: There’s no way around this, I know I can control men thanks to my looks, and I love it. I get huge kicks out of noticing that I’ve caught someone’s interest, and I always want to play around with that interest a bit, to see how far it’ll stretch. It’s not nice or considerate, I know, but I don’t feel bad about it, like I probably should. The thing is, men are weak, and I can’t truly respect a man who lets his desires get the better of him. That being said, it also infuriates me when that happens to me, when someone doesn’t succumb after all, and I’m left with nothing. It makes me realise just how little there is of me and how hollow I really am inside.

3.&4.: As much as I’d want to think of myself as an individual who doesn’t need the approval of others, I can’t deny the fact that I enjoy the collective approval. “Collective” means a lot of things but in this case, I use it to describe the social standards around me. The more people I sense acknowledging me (for my looks, my intellect, or something else), the more “approved” I feel and so much more certain about myself. It really doesn’t matter what the feelings towards me are – desire, lust, envy, hatred – as long as there are strong emotions it makes me feel so alive. And this brings us to the last point: most of the time I feel sort of “off” with the world, like I was living besides it, but not in it. My thoughts travel paths not many truly understand and everything around me feels unreal when I’m not concentrated. The only way for me to feel I’m part of all this life is when I’m the object of some kind of emotion – that’s when I don’t feel transparent (or the other way round, life isn’t transparent to me).

Where does this leave me, then? Now that I “know” (this is the first time I’ve actually written all this down), it’s easier to start working on this things, to cure myself from these compulsive desires. I have never truly tried to change these traits in myself, because I’m absolutely terrified of what’s beyond them, letting go is so very hard. If I rid myself of my manipulative side, what will it be replaced with? Is there anything else but apathy? It’s the weakness that lures me in, the weakness of will, sometimes it’s just so easy and resisting becomes so hard. But that’s only because of lack of practice, and I can work on that.

It’s easy enough to accept that I’m not relationship compatible, I’ll eventually come in terms with it completely. But this urge to cling onto this world and the emotions of others, it has got to stop. What I mean is that all this, these questions and all my unsatisfying actions, are a result of thinking there is something on the outside, in other people, that I’m missing out on. But that’s not really so. Without trying to sound too smug, I’m probably one of the few who could truly make it alone, without close relationships. All I could ever want and need is already in me, I know that I don’t need anybody else, not really.

I’ll never, I’ll never, I’ll never again be interested in another man. I just want to kill myself, there’s nothing else. I’m so alone it makes no sense.