figure myself out

An indescribable feeling. A mixture of anxiety and anticipation with a hint of remorse. Is this all there is to life? Always in transition, in an intermediate state, waiting for the right moment for change. There is never only this moment, future holds it all and today must make do with the promising glimpses of possibilities of tomorrow. It does not make one feel alive.

On days when every chore and action feels too overwhelming, it is as if life is slipping away and wasted on idle procrastination, and there is no justification for that. It is no ‘reward’ or ‘a deserved treat’, it is mere laziness and the inability to be efficient.

How inactive can one person be? To waste a whole day on nothing must be an achievement on its own, though not one to be celebrated.

_{NB. This entry is a personal reflection, and thus is not meant to be a universal observation. The writer merely feels she is wasting her life as we speak.}

Age doesn’t seem to be in my favour. Gone are the days of carefree childhood (thought even back then shyness was a great obstacle and a hindrance), and painful awareness of self now has resulted in insecurities concerning age-related questions. Though never too old to try to regain lost memories of childhood, a voice whispering at the background: “you’re always too young.” Be it being boldly yourself, living life according to your own standards, having a loving and nurturing relationship even… always too young, still something to be learnt.

Will I ever feel thoroughly comfortable in my own skin? Time and experiences mature us, and I have definitely changed from the person I was, say, 4 years ago. I can safely put my money on the supposition that I will be a somewhat different person in another 4 years. But will that be enough, or will I still feel that age matters?

Deep down, this isn’t about age, it’s about me thinking I’m not good enough as I am. It’s about me wanting to be more right now, as unrealistic as it is. Somehow my head is full of standards I should have reached by this time in life, such as being more cultured, mastering more than one language, having great conversation skills, being absolutely confident about being me, being more social and so on. When I realise what I’ve truly achieved at this point, it discourages me so heavily that I want to give up on everything and act like my time has run out. And I’m in my early twenties for heaven’s sake!

I’m not too good at positive thinking, “if you don’t expect too much, you won’t get disappointed too gravely” has been my motto for years, and it’s surprisingly hard to change that kind of thinking once it has become a part of you. But. My life is far from over, one could argue it’s only beginning as I’m slowly discovering myself and getting a firmer foothold in life. Right now I need to appreciate myself more, embrace my potential, nurture my skills and interests and let myself become the woman I can be in the future. It’s all there, waiting to blossom and bloom in time. Time is not an enemy, it’s a comrade on the way to fulfillment and, if I may be so cheesy, happiness.

Lately I’ve felt rather balanced, being me has been quite good and relatively drama-free. Although I don’t like the idea of someone defining me (nor am I going to adopt a thinking like that now, either!), I must say A has had a very good effect on me. The fact that he is there and loves me has put certain things into perspective. It’s like… the way he sees me has made me realise I exist outside my own head also, if that makes any sense (probably doesn’t). He already means so much to me, I understood that when I realised I want his happiness more than my own. I might not be the most compassionate person around, but the people I care about, I want them to be happy, even if it costs me my own happiness.

With A, I feel I can be unapologetically me, and nothing I’ve done (or no mood I’ve been in) has scared him away. He’s a gem, he is, and I do love him. It’s funny, only two months ago I wrote an entry that dealt with quite the opposite emotions, back then I never could have imagined finding myself in a position such as this so shortly after. It also still feels a little weird to call him my boyfriend but at the same time it’s so… right.

I’m happy. ♥

I used to think forever didn’t exist, I always knew there was a beginning and an end to everything. Now, however, I’m willing to turn around and extend forever by a day, so that what I have now will never end. Being in a relationship poses new questions, questions I haven’t had the opportunity to think about before, and already I’m finding new sides to myself and traits I need to work on. I still find it hard to think about ‘us’ instead of just ‘me’, relying on another person is hard when it’s been just you up till now. As time goes by it’ll get easier for sure, but distance makes it harder, and the fear of losing the other person is greater and stronger for a longer time.

At the same time, though, each passing day and after every phone call and conversation I notice this bond – connection, what ever you might call it – deepening, and my love and affection growing. Such strong emotions are new to me, especially when their object is a living and breathing human-being, someone real who actually exists as a part of my world. I never knew I was capable of loving someone so much and wanting it to last, well, forever.

This is all very new but at the same time enjoyable. I don’t know if I make much of a girlfriend in the end, but at least I get to see how I act in a relationship, something I haven’t been able to explore before.

If time doesn’t kill us, who knows, maybe this is for forever.

I’ve been trying to think where to write all my thoughts down, as I don’t really have a place for thoughts that are not directly related to achieving any of the goals on my list. But this goal is one of the dearest to me, so in the end it felt pretty logical to just start writing here.

I got back home about an hour ago from my trip that actually got extended with a couple of days because of… certain someone. I’ll get to that in a minute. All in all, travelling alone was a huge experience and it made me realise that I can make it on my own when I have to. That being said, I also found out that I still would have liked to have some company. Even if travelling alone gives you much more freedom, some things are just so much better when shared with someone close. But that’s probably just it, I know I could have asked someone to go with me but there was just no-one I actually would have wanted to spend a week or two together with.

I want to go back to Dublin as soon as possible and now that I’ve had the opportunity to experience a little bit of it alone, going there with someone the next time will just add to the appeal of the city. I also found out that I’m an absolutely terrible tourist. :D I hate walking around with a map, so even though I always carried one with me, I hardly ever used it (and, as you can guess, I got lost a couple of times while wandering around the city) and I think I only took like one or two photos. I did have my camera with me almost all the time but it just felt too touristy to use it. And it doesn’t matter, as I remember the feelings and atmosphere of the city without photographs, it’s all there, in my head.

Dublin was beyond amazing but London is where I lost my heart. Not to the city, but to a boy there (though he’ll be leaving the city soon, too – to do his Ph.D.). It just happened right out of the blue – I was walking around the British Museum, killing some time while waiting for my friend to get off work. He was working there, we started talking and agreed to meet up later, he promised to take me around the city a bit. This happened on Monday, and we met properly for the first time on Wednesday. After that night things just picked up pace tremendously. I didn’t come home on Friday as I was supposed to, I went to stay at his place for a couple more days and only got back home on Monday and during those three intense days we spent together… I fell in love with him. I know, it sounds unbelievable and even ridiculous, I admit I have my doubts, not so much about my own feelings but his – we both say we feel the same way and I’m sure we did when we were together but how about now when the distance between us is this huge?

Feelings cool down, emotions slowly die, perhaps, and even though I want to believe in us and this connection we have I can’t help being afraid. He is definitely the most wonderful boy I’ve ever met and we’re so alike it’s almost scary, I sometimes caught myself thinking he’s like the male version of me, with a few twists, of course. I already miss him terribly and I feel so lonely because I have no idea when we’re going to see each other again. And I’m scared that whenever we do, I can’t be sure the feeling will still be there. I’ve only known him for what, five days, I know how ridiculous this sounds, I don’t think anyone else except the two of us can truly fathom this feeling, this is just how it is.

Needless to say this trip changed my life in more ways than one and I’m now faced with difficult questions and there are hard times ahead of me if I choose it to be so. I guess the weeks to come will show the direction of things, anything is possible, I suppose.

I’ve been trying to be strong about this, because that’s what you’re supposed to do. Just suck it up and go on and don’t take it personally. But I can’t, because it stings and I can’t just let it go without a second thought.

Why is it so hard for me to find a decent guy? I don’t even know where to start looking, where do you find normal guys these days? I’m not in any school, I don’t have any hobbies that involve other people and bars are definitely the last place to find anything more than one-night stands. I mean, I know this is stupid but I can’t help but wonder if the problem is me, is there just something about me that puts guys (the normal ones) off? Or is it just so that they’re all taken? How and when did that even happen, where was I when all the good ones got taken, and how is it even possible??

I’m a bit touchy because I just got turned down. I know it shouldn’t be a big deal, these things happen, and I shouldn’t expect everything to go according to my plan all the time. But still, it feels like a defeat. I do know that I’ll get over this little slump soon enough and recover from the hits my pride took. But damn, this sucks.

I realise that this isn’t so much about the guy as it is about the rejection – it sucks big time. In a way I’m glad, though, at least now I know and I can, well, move on so to speak.

At times like these, I wish I had much more self-confidence and pride, so I wouldn’t get stuck on petty things like these so easily. I just want to be strong and independent, not just in the company of others, but with myself as well. When I’m alone, intrusive thoughts make me so vulnerable and small sometimes that it makes me feel completely pathetic and sad. Is it because I’m not, after all, comfortable in my own skin?

When surrounded by friends, I’m confident, joyous, independent, witty… attractive. But alone, at home, out in the city amongst strangers, I sometimes become self-conscious, introverted and just plain irritated of everybody around me. Alone at home is the worst, when all the pretence is unnecessary and I’m left with only myself, me. It’s not as pretty as you’d like to think, and you have no idea how strong it is, that me how must stay suffocated and hidden whenever there are other people around. Sometimes, when I have a day off and I don’t need to go anywhere, I might spend the whole day in my apartment doing absolutely nothing because I can’t bear the thought of dressing up, going out and pretending. Life is a play and everybody has roles fit for different situations and different people.

Maybe I’m being too harsh here. I can only speak for myself, after all. I’m in a puzzling situation right now; all my insecurities, the ones that I think I’ve gotten over when I’m with friends, always come back to haunt me when I’m alone. I hate questioning myself and my worth, even when I’m doing it I know it’s stupid, but I always seem to end up doing it anyway. And for what? It only makes me miserable, I don’t learn anything new about myself because all I do belittle myself and I start to feel sorry for myself. Like now.

This is not really me. I just need to vent, let the hurt and disappointment (perhaps embarrassment?) talk a little while. I need to get these feelings out, it’s my way of dealing with them. Man, this sucks.

I should become gender-neutral, ignore the sex of a person completely and concentrate solely on the personality. The duality between men and women complicates things unnecessarily much and misunderstandings – if not from both sides, then at least from one party – are sure to arise. It makes life difficult when it really shouldn’t be.

As much as it saddens me to admit it (and trust me, there is a battle going on inside my head whether or not to believe my own words), I must confess something: I yearn to be admired, desired even. I’m ashamed to say this, but I need attention and I want it from men especially. And why? Because they’re different to women. I know I’m good-looking, damn, even beautiful, but I act like hearing a man tell me that makes it more real and ‘true’... Although in reality my being beautiful doesn’t depend on anyone’s judgement except my own. Should someone else think so too, it’s merely a plus and not a validation of my own thoughts. What matters is me being comfortable in my own skin, and that I’m growing to be, every day a little more.

So instead of seeing people according to their gender, I should concentrate on the person, no matter man or woman. It’d help me break free from the social standards of womanhood and also release others from the expectations held against them merely because of their gender.

I wish I didn’t have such silly assumptions of people and life. Like, “things should be like this…” or “he should act like this if…” no, no, nothing ‘should’ be anything. Life rolls on and we merely put more significance on some events over others and they become the milestones of our lives. It doesn’t change life in general one bit, and life (or ‘the world’) doesn’t owe us anything, if anything, we owe it to ourselves to live, to feel alive every single day.

Getting back to the original topic, I sometimes feel trapped in being a woman. I’m tied down by the expectations placed upon me because of my gender and also by my assumptions of other people, both men and women. To think someone should act a certain way just because of their gender, is a terrible hindrance and narrows one’s world view tremendously.

But this isn’t a comprehensive thought, it’s not meant to include everything. No, I actually have a very specific idea behind this whole entry. There is a boy at work, and I’d very much like him to notice me but there is a problem. I don’t know how to approach this matter when we’re of different gender and I can’t seem to get past that. He’s a guy and I have a certain ‘pattern’ in my head of how I should act but at the same time I know it doesn’t work and I don’t know how to change it. I have a completely wrong way of approaching men and that’s the underlying problem, I guess. I repeat a pattern and it hasn’t led me anywhere but I haven’t found anything to replace it – partly because I haven’t truly tried. Hell, I haven’t even thought about this as much before.

So long I’ve wondered if it’s me or the guys, tried to understand why things never work out in the end but I guess I figured it out just now: it’s me, but it’s not because of my personality – things get started the wrong way and then there’s just one way, and that’s down. It’s so clear to me now, I can’t believe I haven’t seen it before (though, truthfully, I’ve seen glimpses of it for more than a year, I decided to be blind, apparently).

I feel purified, renewed somehow. The time of playing roles that are not suited for me is hopefully now over, and I can finally start trusting myself, who I am is quite enough (and interesting!) for me and everybody else. I want to be me, and no-one else, unconditionally.

:)

I’ll continue the subject I’ve talked about before.

I feel rather lost and confused. Lately I’ve been thinking about sexuality – mine and others’ – and for a while I actually thought I had made some, hmm, progress concerning my lack of desire for physical intimacy. What’s puzzling me is that I do like intimacy and being physically close to another person but I can’t seem to go all the way, if you know what I mean. It’s not that I wouldn’t feel desire towards the other person, I do get aroused and for a moment I truly want him/her but the lust always dies so quickly and after that… there’s nothing.

So it’s not that I can’t get excited, I do, the feeling just disappears before anything can really happen. I have no idea why that happens because I don’t resent passion and desire, I enjoy them for a short while and then they just disappear. After that it’s emptiness and an awkward situation where the other person is still expecting more and I just can’t go on.

This has happened many times, last time was last night with a friend (with whom I’ve fooled around before) and… I don’t know what happened. I don’t feel burning passion towards him, but he’s a nice guy and we have a bit of a history together and for a while I did want him that night. And then I didn’t. One could argue that what happened, happened because I don’t really want him anymore but I don’t think it’s that. We’ve almost been like friends with benefits some time ago but I just can’t anymore. Not with him, not with anyone.

I don’t understand why, because erotic thoughts (and erotica) do turn me on, the act itself again… is something I just can’t do? How is that to be explained? Like I’ve already said in that linked entry, the vulnerability of a naked human being is something I can’t help but resent (perhaps I’m just afraid?), and to me, mental (‘spiritual’) closeness is far more intimate than physical closeness could ever be.

Slowly I’m beginning to realise and accept how this will complicate my life now and in the future. How could I make anyone understand and accept something like this? Every romantic interest is defeated tenfold when faced with something like this. ‘Normal’ romance just can’t endure, and it’ll take a lifetime to find something different, the right kind of connection, if you can call it that.

There must be something wrong with my brain, a glitch that turns everything upside down. I feel so damn anxious right now, like I’m suffocating, and I just want to cry and hide under the covers and never come out. Why am I feeling like this?

I should be so happy right now, energetic, joyous; I booked my flights to Dublin and London, plus hotels in both cities, and I feel like this? This is the thing I’ve been planning for months, I’ve wanted to visit Dublin ever since elementary school and now it’s happening and I feel like this? Why?

I’m scared to death, to be honest. I keep wondering if it was such a good idea to go alone after all, I’m nearly panicking here. What if I find myself all alone in Dublin, with nothing to do and nowhere to go, what if… everything just goes horribly wrong?

Why can’t I just feel excited and happy? Why am I even going through things like these? Why wouldn’t things go well? I feel like banging my head on the wall, I’m so stupid.

I feel very emotionally drained right now. Yesterday (night especially) was fun and great, and I don’t regret anything, but it also got me thinking. I feel stuck with my life (this I’ve said many times before) and I just can’t keep it up anymore, this leg of the road must come to an end soon, life the way it is right now isn’t what I want.

Every once in a while, I still get the desire to run away from everything around me, and to me that’s a very strong indicator that something must change, because I only want to run away when I feel I’m suffocating. I can’t be happy as long as I need to get away, the urge to leave everything behind is stronger than anything else.

What causes the suffocating feelings? I’d say it’s the moments when I clearly (and painfully) realise how detached I am from other people. When I can feel all the life pulsating around me and at the same time know I’m not part of it. It leaves me standing alone in a spotlight, darkness all around, highlighting the separation.

If one day I decided to run, I don’t know where I’d go. I doubt there is a place anywhere in the world where the same suffocating feelings wouldn’t follow. It’s a known fact that you can’t escape your thoughts and feelings, no matter how hard you try or far you run, they’ll always find you. I guess that’s the sole reason I’m still here, because I know running away is of no use. But I’m growing weary and I’m running out of ideas. The next big change that comes must be something that helps me rid of these haunting thoughts.

I really have nothing new to say. I just needed to get this out of my head.