Enjoy my job

I’ve just had the most horrible day at work, ever. It includes a row, a mean colleague and things that should have been left unsaid. How unprofessional is it to pick a fight in front of customers, and who is she to tell me this job is first and foremost about serving customers. It’s so ironic that I’d laugh if I didn’t feel like crying whenever I think about it – she is the most vicious, negative and grumpy person I’ve ever met, and her day(s) at work include mostly gossiping with others, being grumpy and complaining about, well, everything. And she’s there only once or twice a week. And she tells me it’s all about customer service. I don’t know how long I can keep up with this, I think I’m starting to feel a burn-out coming my way, again.

I have a colleague, who is slowly driving me crazy, as much as I’ve tried to understand her and let her be the way she is. The thing is, ever since I started at my current job, she’s been there, telling me how to do things, “guiding” me, as she probably thinks, and at first I thought it was fun. Not that I needed her to tell me how to do my job but I thought “well, let her get her way if it makes her happy” and I mostly just let her babble without paying much attention. Maybe that’s where I made a mistake, I shouldn’t have let her get the feeling I actually liked getting her advice. Because now she won’t stop. And it seems, judging by today, she thinks she can tell me anything and expects me to just listen and accept.

I haven’t felt such pure, burning rage towards a single person in a very very long time than I did today, I knew I still had it in me, the ability to feel hatred but the intensity surprised me completely. That’s probably part of the reason why I didn’t say something nasty to her, I know I could have insulted her very badly. But I don’t want to cause unnecessary schism at my workplace, so I didn’t say anything. And for the whole evening I’ve been trying to let go of the anger, disappointment and hurt, and I’ve partly succeeded. But I’m still clinging on to these feelings and it’s suppressing me. To let go of it is the only way to internal peace. I wish it was a tad easier, though. But I’ll get there, without hardships this would be too easy.

Today wasn’t my day at all, everything was upside down, oh how I wish I would have had a day off today. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

But! I very much adore one of my colleagues, she’s a great girl. ♥ I think we’re bonded very well in the last couple of months, even though I do get along with everybody at work, there are some people I like more than others. And this girl is definitely one of them. Even though we’re not too similar, say, in style or mind, I still get along with her so well, and we always have fun together. She’s the one I enjoy working with the most, though there are two other people as well who are definitely above everybody else. Without going into deeper details, I tell these three people more personal things, I’m sure I can trust them and I know they like me. To what extent, I can’t say, but enough to talk with me about other things than just work related stuff.

I’m so glad I’ve had the opportunity to meet all of them, but especially P is such a wonderful girl. I think one of the reasons we’ve bonded so well is that we’re almost the same age, she’s a year younger than me. It’s always so much fun when we’re working together. I’m so happy she’s there. ♥

Sometimes I just don’t like this job, the responsibility, the fact that I am in fact a representative of the company, and the way I present myself to the customers sometimes – although very seldom to this extent – determines whether or not they’ll come back (ever again). It’s a huge strain, to think that the company might lose paying customers because of my actions/knowledge (or lack of it)/something like that. Because the fact is, I can’t know everything, and considering how little time I’ve been at this job (about 5 months), it’s not even possible to know all the small things going around. But the customers don’t know that, and they expect me to know more than they do, and give them accurate information. Telling them that I don’t know and not having anyone near to ask, is the worst situation, and those still occur sometimes. It makes me feel so lousy and a bad worker for not being able to give the customer the answer they want or worse, give them false information. It’s embarrassing and humiliating and usually leads to getting a lecture from the customer about how lousy service they’ve gotten.

I just feel so bad right now.

Ever since that 6-day “holiday” I had after New Year’s I haven’t been able to get back to “the routine” at work. I haven’t felt the usual joy and enthusiasm and each morning it’s always a bit harder to get up and start a new day. The only thing that really brings me joy is chatting with A, now that J is away a couple of weeks… A is the only one I really seem to get along, I wonder how long he can put up with me before starting to resent me again. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, because I do like my job and I like my colleagues. Maybe it’s life in general I’m tired of. I’m thinking of trying to get a week off at work in spring and go somewhere for a while, get away from the city and the ordinary life. But I’m not sure if it’s just running away and getting back to work would be even harder after that… It’s just, I hate myself when I’m like this. I’m not too fun to be around with, I’m moody and uninterested and it sucks, because I really don’t have much to complain about.

One thing, a positive thing, I’ve noticed is that I’m more and more drawn to the artist supplies we sell, and I’ve been thinking of trying my hand at drawing, pastels in particular interest me. I’ve never considered myself much of a drawer, but I guess that’s a skill one can learn through practise? I don’t aspire to be an amazing artist, but it would be nice to be able to draw something even moderately pretty and create something, work with colours and all that.

I had such a lovely day at work today, I’m growing more and more fond of the place, my colleagues, everything each day that passes, I didn’t even know that’d be possible. :P We’ve gotten new people for the Christmas season and since they’re mostly at the cash desk, I (and others who have been there longer) have time to do other things, and I spent almost the whole day at our luxury pen desk, going through the pens, organising and stuff, it was so great! And I had so many customers who came to either buy a pen or refills and I… just love those luxury pens and everything related to them! It’s so weird, I never knew I could be this excited about ballpoint pens or rollerballs or fountain pens (which are my absolutely favourite, by the way!). :D And otherwise as well… I really feel like I fit in there and that I do get along with my colleagues and I’m good at what I do. Really. This all makes me so so happy. :)

I’m not opting for this goal because I don’t like my job at the moment or because I’d be losing my interest or enthusiasm towards it – quite the contrary actually. I added this to my list because I want to make sure I’ll continue enjoying my job, since I’m planning on keeping it as long as I can…

What I like about my job the most, is the versatility, there never is a day similar to the previous one, and all the people I get to meet and interact with – deep down I love it, even the really tricky and grumpy customers (the trick is not to let them ruin your day, they can act up on somebody else, I’m not going to take it personally). Well, my colleagues are great as well, I don’t think I’d like working there half as much if it weren’t for the wonderful team we have. It’s a fact, why hide it? I also like it how we all have our responsibility areas in our department which we have to maintain and make sure the shelves are properly stocked and so on.

I also have my own ‘responsibility areas’, but I talked with J today at work and she asked if I was interested in helping her with her ‘area’ (aaand that would be luxury pens), since she doesn’t have time to maintain it on her own. And really, I’d love that. I’d love to know more about the pens and fiddle with them and everything. That’d also mean a little bit more responsibility for me, and I’d like that. I want to get better at my work and never stop learning new things, so this would be a perfect opportunity to improve my knowledge. :) I’m rather excited, we’ll just have to see what my supervisor thinks about this idea.