I don’t know why but my old ‘friend’ depression is slowly creeping back into my life, I’ve felt somehow defeated for a couple of days now and the feeling is just getting stronger. There is a morbid air lingering around me, caused by the realisation of just how lonely I am in this life. I can’t talk to my friends or family, I know there would be people willing to listen but I just can’t open up, let anyone see what’s truly inside me.
This feeling is a mixture of failure, desperation and sadness. I’m sad because of this young man I’ve mentioned a couple of times, though he isn’t the direct cause of the sadness, it’s the knowing that even if his behaviour was more than just friendliness, it would never work out. My relationships never last, and I’ve given up on the hope of someone who I find incredibly attractive could ever be interested in me. This isn’t about him, he is, after all, just a representative, a case in point, even though he will be forgotten surely enough, all this will be repeated over and over again. It never stops, I try not to think about it but it’s always there and it makes me incredibly sad. It’s like a highlighter on my loneliness, making sure I’ll never forget it – that this is my life: solitude.
I also feel like a failure for not having enough motivation to finish the things I start. Nothing matters, there are so many things I’d want to do but then I find myself thinking “what’s the point” and all the little motivation I had been able to gather vanishes – and I recognise the early stages of depression, I’ve been through it once and I don’t want to go back there again. I’m so scared I fall back into the indifference towards life and everything that’s good. I don’t know if I have the strength to fight it again.
It’s my own fault for alienating myself from my friends and being so distant that I don’t feel comfortable enough to talk to my relatives. I’m just so lonely. It’s not the lack of company, it’s the thought of spending a whole lifetime alone that saddens and terrifies me. Physically there are people around me, with some there is even a mental and/or emotional bond but a profound connection, something to convince me I’m not alone… It’s impossible to explain. Think about the universe and then place yourself in the middle of it, all alone – and you’ll get an idea of how I feel.
