not have children

No reason to have this goal on my list, it’s not a current question in my life after all, so making room for other things and just simplifying my list. :)

(not that it would by any means be a current issue even if I had changed my mind which I haven’t, by the way) A friend of mine, same age as me, gave birth to a baby boy on Monday and even though I had had time to adjust to that (after all, 9 months is a long time) it still hit me pretty hard when I realised a new life had actually been born and delivered to this world. I mean, a new life, a living, breathing person whose growth and development I’ll get to follow. (I was asked to be one of the boy’s godparents, though technically I’m not a godmother, since I don’t belong to the church anymore – is there a word in the English language for a person like that ^{luottoaikuinen in Finnish}?)

I don’t want a child of my own and I don’t think I’m that good with children in general, but I’m thrilled about this new life that has become a part of my world as well. I sincerely want to be a part of that baby’s life and who knows, maybe I’ll learn something from him too, if nothing else then hopefully at least ways to deal with children better. :D

I don’t know though, I’m not as “radical” concerning not having children as I was when I was younger. Maybe, and I stress the word maybe, with the right kind of person and when life would be otherwise organised I might reconsider. Truth to be told, it’d be beyond interesting to see how genes from two people mixed and what the “result” (shame on me, talking about babies as a part of some research :D) would be like. It’s just that I hate the thought of being pregnant. I don’t want to, so if I could have a baby without having to carry it myself for 9 months (and going trough the delivery), I’d be more willing to consider actually becoming a mother. I know there are ways, but since this really isn’t a current issue, I’m not going to go into them now. :)

I’ve felt like this since middle school and every time I tell someone I don’t want to have children, I get to hear the same thing in different variations: “You’ll change your mind when you’re older.” I do understand that I’m young and opinions change and all that jazz, but when exactly am I old enough to actually know that I don’t want children, then? What people don’t get is that pregnancy disgusts me more than anything else, there’s no way I could ever imagine myself giving birth to a child. Other people being pregnant doesn’t bother me at all, though, so it’s not like pregnancy in general is something gross, just me having a child.

Sometimes I’ve thought about adoption, but single parents don’t get adoption privileges that easily and I’m so convinced that I’ll spend the most of my life alone. :D Anyway, I don’t think I’d make a good mother, I’m too self-absorbed and I just want to concentrate on myself, rather than on a baby. That probably sounds very ignorant, but I’ve always been like that.

I don’t know, maybe I’ll think differently in 10 years, but then again I might not, since I’ve thought like this for the past 5 years or so. This is such a huge thing though, and it can’t be taken lightly. And nothing’s permanent.