sort out my priorities

I think I’m starting to get some clarity concerning my priorities. I lived in a sort of a priority void for the whole summer, not really caring about the next day, didn’t really have any plans for my future etc. But now I feel that I’m slowly becoming more balanced and the mindless drinking that I sported in the summer doesn’t a) interest or b) appeal to me anymore. I think I’ve once again remembered that there’s so much more to life than drinking (that kind of makes me sound like an alcoholic but that’s really not the case) and partying and just because I’m not doing those things every weekend doesn’t mean that I’m boring. I’m sure I have a lot to offer and I can be a good company with or without drinking (well, at least I hope so).

So, my priorities. I think one reason that has really ‘toned me down’ is my search for my own apartment. I really want to move away from home but I also want to find a nice place to live, so I don’t want to rush this too much or take whatever’s offered to me. I’ve set my mind on moving away from home and at the moment I can’t think much about anything else. :D Other than that, Open Uni courses take some of my time as well, and I want to properly concentrate on them since I paid quite a lot of money for those courses, so naturally I want to learn something, too. I also want to do my job well and be a good employee, so that’s another thing to concentrate on.

I also need to figure a lot of things out about myself, I know now (and I was aware of it already in the summer, too) that my excessive drinking was just a means to keep reality at bay and blur the lines, in other words, drinking was my way of escapism. Not a very good choice, I must admit, but now I’m hopefully getting rid of that and have the courage to face both the real world and myself, and find out who I am, even make peace with myself. At least I really hope so.

I’ve got nothing. No idea what to do with my life, which way to go. Stay on this path or choose another one (the one everybody is expecting me to pick)? What to do, where to go, what kind of choices to make. I’m so bored with life, the expectations, the things a young adult ‘should’ do. I’m tired of being cautious, making plans about the future, taking precautions, being reasonable (whatever that might mean).

I’m expected to get back to the student life soon, probably next year – what if I don’t want to? I ‘should’ be rational, save money, always have something stacked for a rainy day – why, what if I want to think less and live more? I know education is important but what’s the point in spending 5 to 6 years in university and then graduate just to realise it’s nearly impossible to get a job that matches your education? Even more so, if there’s nothing I truly want to study, is it really worth it to waste so many years to get an education I’m not too passionate about, when I could be working and earning money the whole time? But it would be too risky, wouldn’t it? Does having a higher education guarantee success in working life?

I just want to work, earn money and start my own life soon, free myself from the shackles of the past, start fresh so to speak. Do I really have to worry about my education that much? I don’t even know what I want to do when I ‘grow up’, so how am I to figure out what kind of an education program would be right for me?

This probably should go under another goal, but it feels right to write about it here.

Ever since I started paying more attention to the way our society works and how it forces people to conform, how productivity is the only indicator of success and happiness, I’ve known I don’t want to become a part of that structure, a faceless number in the mass. I despise the path our society has chosen, where young people should know by the age of 14 (or so) at the latest what they want to do when they grow up; where students are expected to get a degree as soon as possible and immediately start their working life; where the only ‘reality’ for adults is working – though lifelong learning is encouraged, work is still the top priority, because it’s productive.

Life has been degraded into a tube, something that people go through without even noticing, someone else telling them what to do, as well as when and how. Of course this is a bit of an overstatement, but basically that’s how it goes – or would go, if faceless politicians could decide. Our (Finland’s, that is) prime minister has stated many times that in his opinion, students taking gap years are a strain for public economy and that high school students should already know what they want to do when they grow up. This isn’t usually the case, many go to high school to get another three years to think about what they’d like to do and even after that some aren’t any wiser and to tell you the truth, high school doesn’t offer much help in deciding about your future in my opinion. Sure it gives you general knowledge about many different subjects, but one must still figure out on their own what kind of subjects they’d want to orient to.

Trying not to get too into Finland’s education system, as it isn’t my point here, so let’s get back to the original idea. I don’t like the way people are most of the time only viewed as work force and how this thought ‘it’s our duty to conform and “give something back” to the society (that does support us throughout our lives and for which I’m grateful) by working and being productive’ is everywhere. Surely I understand where this demand is coming from, but it really forgets humanity and treats people as parts of a bigger system, a system we should all accept without questioning.

This leads me to my actual point: I’m not going to do that, I’m not going to accept a life someone else might have designed for me, I don’t want a life that could be taken off the statistics, I don’t want to be a model example, I don’t want any of that.

I’ve already taken a gap year, I might have to take another one, I want to study literature in university and if I do get in and get a degree, possibilities of getting a job that corresponds to my education are scarce. I’ve always been idealistic; I’m not so reality-oriented (and I don’t care to be, either) as society would probably want me to. There’s a little hedonist in me, I rather enjoy life than burn myself out, I don’t want my adult life be all about work, and I know that might very well mean that I will never be able to fill the social norms that surround me (buy a house, start a family, get married, hold a steady job, etc. not that any of these would be important to me now, but you never know in the future). Of course I understand the importance of working and I am ready to work and earn money (naturally) myself, I just never want it to become the core of my life, work should never dominate your life. So often this is what happens, though, as employees are demanded so much, be it more working hours, better ideas, higher working morals, anything as long as it’s more than is given right now.

What does this have to do with sorting out my priorities? Well, this is one big priority to me; to never become another faceless worker in ‘the system’. I have no problem with being faceless in a sense that I’m not well-known or popular, I just don’t want to live a life that on the outside could be a complete knockoff of a person next to me.

It hit me in the middle of the night, while I was lying in my bed, waiting to fall asleep. As of right now, I know what my priorities are but even though that should be a good thing, it isn’t. Because these two things have risen to their current position unnoticed and without me fully consenting to it. In other words, I don’t want these to be my top most priorities, but alas, at the moment they are.

So yes, I value matter (things, stuff, you know the drill) and myself to such extent that I have begun to question and wonder if this really is the way I want my life to be. And I don’t. Changing this will be unbelievably hard and most likely I will give up more than once or twice but I should still try. I just have no idea where to begin.

priority n.
1. Something important that must be done first or needs more attention than anything else.

1a. The importance you give to something that needs to be done.

It would be seemingly easier to start from the things that aren’t on my priorities list, but in the end I am not sure would that get me anywhere or even help me clarify what my real priorities are.

Family has never been a top issue for me, I’ve never dreamed of starting a family (hence my not have children goal) and I have never even truly valued my own family, I’ve just always hoped to get away, to be free from all bonds.

Education, now that’s important, and learning too, I’m very fond of learning new things and educating myself and these are important in order to get a proper job, too, one that I really enjoy doing. That’s another thing I think should be a priority, to find a job I enjoy, one that doesn’t cause unnecessary stress or strain, one that makes me get up in the morning, rather than making me want to stay in bed the whole day. If most of my life is going to be spent working, I want to do something I love (at least like to do).

Above everything else, though, I think I value freedom. Right now it feels like the only thing that could possibly make me happy or even content, less agitated. To be and feel free, all bonds cut off. Freedom. That word holds the meaning to everything for me. It contains the hope, the possibility, the promise of something better, something new, everything that life has to offer is within that one, small word.

But what is freedom, and how to obtain it, as one could argue I already am as free as I possibly can? No, I do not feel I am free, in fact most of the time I feel like I’m trapped in a small cage, like a bird, and cannot escape. Maybe I’m the one who has locked myself up, perhaps all the bars are just in my mind, but isn’t it so that imaginary bars are far more restraining than an actual cage? I feel like I am being dragged to many different directions at the same time, even though there aren’t enough of me to satisfy every party. There are expectations, boundaries, obligations everywhere and I am bound by all of them. So what is freedom?

I think I need to be unconventional in order to obtain freedom. I have no idea how to do that or what it even means, but I have a feeling that’s what needs to be done. If the ordinary and conventional reality cannot correspond to my need, then some originality and creativity are required to create a reality that does. Though who am I kidding, I’m not sure at all I could do something like that, most likely I’ll conform at some point and live an unsatisfied life, because the vastness and greatness of the other option just felt too huge to even try to conquer.