figure out my future

Sometimes I wonder what the hell I’m thinking. I’m not doubting my devotion, my enthusiasm, my desire for this, but sometimes I feel I might be reaching for the stars, and that might be just too much. It’s the age-old question playing in my head – can I do this? – and I honestly do not know. There are days when I feel I can do anything and then, like right now, there are moments of deep apathy when I wonder why I even bother trying to reach for my dreams. It’s probably the fear of failure that is paralysing me, I’m so afraid that I don’t even dare to try.

Ah, to get my head straight and remember that the world will not fall apart.

I’ve been engaged in some serious planning concerning my future the past couple of weeks, and the outlines have pretty much been drawn now – the next step is to put plans in motion. Much research has been done, some things still need clarification but overall I should have gathered enough information to start working on the most important part of the whole plan. And the clock is ticking, it’s a race against time.

_{cryptic, but this is all I can say for now}

Tomorrow I’ll be going back to work after two and a half weeks, and although it isn’t such a long time per se, so much has happened to me that it feels like a lifetime since I last was there. Truthfully, I wouldn’t want to go back and face the daunting hours, watch days turn to weeks, weeks to months, without a promise it’ll end soon. And so I’ve been thinking. If I don’t get into any schools next year, I might as well pack my bags and go to England, find a job and figure something out then, at least I’d have love waiting for me there (providing we pull through). And if I do get in, I’d try to get my degree as quickly as possible and then follow love wherever it takes me. I can’t express it in words just how much I want him to be a part of my life, now and in the future. I need to get my degree in something but after that, if we can make this work, I wouldn’t mind following him wherever and just… see what will happen. As much as I’d want things to go like this, I’m dubious. And I’m scaring myself a little by having thoughts like this already when everything is still very uncertain. The main thing is, though, that I can’t stay at my current job forever, I don’t want to, so as soon as it is possible, I’m going to quit.

_{Truthfully, I’ve dreamed of leaving Finland at some point, I forgot about that dream for a couple of years, but now it’s stronger than ever. And if there is still someone waiting for me tomorrow, next week, in the months to come, I will go.}

My head is spinning. There are so many things to think about, and they all come down to this one thing, figuring out my future. Every meaningful ‘thing’ on my list leads back to this goal.

• figuring myself out – when I learn to understand myself, I’ll surely have a clearer view of my future as well
• finding my passion – again, when I find the thing that motivates me the most, it’ll help me build up my future
• going back to school – well that’s rather self-explanatory, isn’t it?
• staying single – truthfully, I don’t even know if I want to be single or not

I feel so exhausted for not knowing what I want anymore. What do I want to study? Do I want to keep my current job? Should I try to find a new apartment? Do I want to be in a relationship? I don’t know.

There is so much pressure and anxiety building up inside me that I can’t think straight. It doesn’t matter that I really do not need to have my future figured out at this age, it doesn’t bother me that I don’t have my life planned out already. It’s just that I don’t know, and that bugs me a lot. I can’t even decide which road to take, because each option seems equally… the same.

To stay or go? To let go or pursue something that has no promise of working out? To forget or continue (day)dreaming? To stay the same or try changing?