find my passion

I think the reason I’m struggling so much with this goal is that I haven’t tried so many different things, so I don’t know what it is I truly enjoy doing. I always thought it was writing, but now I know that I’ll never become passionate enough about it. I do like writing and use it as a means to sort my thoughts but that’s about it. I’m not a story-teller, and I’ll never be one, either.

There is so much I want to try and do, though. I want to try drawing, dancing, singing, and Pilates; learn to play the piano, study French and philosophy, learn to draw my own patterns and start sewing again, there are so many things. Some of them more difficult than others; dancing, singing and playing the piano are the most intimidating ones, as I have no previous experience, I’ve never considered myself to be either musical or sporty.

Still, I think I need to venture outside my comfort zone, if I truly want to accomplish this goal some day. I’m not saying I’ll find it in some of the things I mentioned, but it’s a start and will most likely shed some light on the matter as to what I really enjoy doing. :)

...writing could be one. It’s just that I’m not at all sure what kind of writing and to what extent, but I’ve always loved words, how they’re free, reckless, powerful, eternal. Words can convey so much beauty, pain, joy, sadness, love, hate; all those emotions, both strong and weak, I don’t think I would even know half of them if I hadn’t lived them through written words.

Words never lie, it’s the writer behind them who might twist them, and that’s another thing I love about words; they’re so flexible, if you know how to work with them, there are no limitations to what you can create. I wish I knew, I wish I was better at making words obey me, there’d be so much I could deliver if I only knew how.

But the joy, oh the joy, when words just seem to flow out of my mind into a coherent text, there’s no better feeling, and that’s when I love writing the most. I just wish I was better at it, I can hardly call myself mediocre at this point. That makes me a little sad, I must admit.

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, not because I believe I have a certain purpose in this world or because life would have some kind of a hidden “meaning”, but because I want to know what it’s like to be passionate about something, to feel extremely strong about something. Take environmentalists for example, some go to great lengths in order to preserve the nature and it seems to me that they’re really living their passion, making it a core part of their life. I want something like that as well, right now the only thing I’m “passionate” about is spending money and buying… everything and I’m not sure I want that to be my real passion in life.

Since passion itself is an abstract term, I somehow feel that that passion I’m seeking should be something less concrete as well, though I’m not completely ruling out the opposite option either. I just want it to be something that’ll make me feel, well, alive. This is going to be a long road to travel.